A Day in the Life-Cheri, Randy and Luke

The Last Day of My Christmas Vacation

2012-01-08T10:06:00.002-06:00

Well, back to work tomorrow. Bum-mer. I am not ready yet but here it is. I had a very good vacation I am happy to say. It didn't look too promising in the beginning but things took a turn for the better. We had a nice Christmas Eve and great Christmas day. Lots of cool gifts, I am so blessed. Everyone has a Keurig now and Mom is searching for bargain prices for K-cups for all of us. Between phones, iPads and Garmins, we are all more tech savvy for 2012. The Disney trip was great but too short. I am happy to say I am going to book another one for December. Can I start counting the days yet? I also got a full week at home with my wonderful dog. I love being home. I did not open my computer even one time to do work. A new record. Thank you Laura!
There are things I am looking forward to this year, God willing. Luke has a big year ahead and graduation and deciding where to go to school. He has lots of options, SIU-E, SIU-C, ISU, EIU, WIU or to start at Lincoln Land if he wants to. We will see where and how God leads him. Trying to schedule a get together with our friends John and Tricia. I have missed them so much. Laura and I will hit the road running starting this month with presentations and conferences. Busy year for Preemietalk already as we are going to Kentucky, Utah, Florida and in the fall we are presenting at Cincinnati Children's. We have that damn book to finish. On the home front, Randy and I have a date at an Illini game the first week of March. Our small group is always great fun and is so good for me on Wednesday nights. As soon as winter breaks a bit, we will put more miles on the motorcycle. In June I am taking my mom to The Little Theater to see Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. My parents are trying to come up on Thursdays when I am not working. We are going to start doing more fun things around the area. So that is a good start. In August, my friend Michelle and I will go again to the Global Leadership Summit, right My Michelle?
I will need to find new obsessions...American Idol returns, Illinois basketball, some new gadget or device...probably an iPhone for me in March. I may retire my Droid. A busy girl like me needs some great toys, right?
So grudgingly, grumbling I return to life as I know it. I am blessed to have my job and I know that (blah, blah, blah) but having no schedule, setting no alarm clock, eating when I am hungry, sleeping when I am tired and having no agenda has been a true blessing. I will miss it until next year. Mickey Mouse, we have a date!

Merry Christmas 2011

2011-12-26T03:29:00.002-06:00

We had a very nice Christmas. Christmas Eve, Mom, Dad, Hazel, Luke, Alicia and the kids and I had dinner at my house. Luckily, everyone was starving to death and that makes my cooking more bearable. We had Italian beef, baked potato cheese soup, tortilla pinwheels, cheeseball, salsa, taquitos, chips and dips, veggie tray, shrimp, meatballs and lots of desserts from chocolate silk pie to fruit pizza. We got Hazel a little Christmas birdhouse, calendar (she always wants one), old fashion soup bowls and soup mixes.
Christmas morning we opened our gifts. I surprised Randy for the second time in 22 years with a new iPhone 4S and Otterbox. He also got Illini tickets. He got me a new shark steamer for the floors (yea!!!), iTunes card and a new bible. I cleaned the floors right after breakfast. Luke got a bunch of clothes, iTunes, P90X, video games, noise reducing headphones and movies for the portable DVD player that Aunt Alicia gave him. He also got SIU-C sweatpants. Yeah!
We had a wonderful meal at Alicia's house last night. Her house was beautiful. This was the year of the Keurig. I bought one for Mom and Dad, but Chrissy sent them one too. So Mom and Dad's became Alicia's and mom bought one for me. We all bought each other boxes of coffee pods. My Keurig is red and I love it. Brewed coffee last night...probably why I am up right now, but no problem with that. Getting ready to head to Disney and Coronado Springs. We are driving which should be a real adventure. I am praying that we have a good trip. My baby dog is being taken care of while I am away. Mom, Dad and Alicia will house sit and John is taking care of the rest. Shadow is in good hands. So I am very happy about that.
Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas too. God is so good to us. Blessed beyond measure and so very thankful.

The Week Before Christmas '11

2011-12-18T06:38:00.005-06:00

Hello Blog, Old Friend
Shadow and I are sitting in the living room by the tree. It is Sunday and the sun is not even up yet. I have a big cup of coffee, three Kolacky cookies and my old friend by my feet. Shadow is now looking at me to request something else to eat. I started giving him small amounts of bread and he is a big fan. My eleven year old friend is an ever constant source of comfort and unfailing love. I worry if he will be here with me next year this time.

So what has been going on this year? Professionally, Laura and I are still working at Koke Mill and traveling the globe speaking. We love Memorial. We are busy at The Center for Selective Eating and Pediatric Feeding Disorders. We have built our SIU Koke Mill Pediatric Swallowing Clinic with Dr. Ettema into a thriving clinic. Sandy presented with us this year. We did two courses with our beloved Mark Fishbein. Laura, Mark and I went to Alaska and saw first hand one of the most beautiful places on earth. Lots of people want us to speak and we are still being interviewed by media. We have just been invited to speak at Cincinnati Children's Hospital in the fall of '12. That was the big one and it is now in the bag. I am still trying to finish that darn book #3. Randy and I are abundantly blessed to have our home and family. I love him more every year. We are thinking about our future after he retires. Mom and Dad are a source of never ending comfort to me. I miss Chrissy and am glad Alicia is close by and happy. I love my nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles and friends very deeply. Luke is a senior, the football team just won back to back 4A state championships in football and high school is coming to an end. He and his girlfriend broke up and he is hurting and I am hurting for him. That started the sequence of changes around here. Well let's just say it started my eyes focusing on changes that I did not want to see.

Time...change and more change...I always become so reflective this time of year. Words fill my head, my heart and I search for the words of others, I cling to the words of My God . Blake, our minister, comforted me greatly with God's words through him the last two Saturdays at church. He said two weeks ago to write down all the things that concern, that worry or scare you on a list. Then, over that, in larger print to write down one word. The Word...Jesus. It helped me and I even made word art of mine.

I am craving words of comfort. I have been repeating bible verses that are etched on my heart throughout the day, "I lift mine eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? It comes from the Lord, maker of the heaven and earth"..."raise a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it"..."fear not for I am with thee, be not afraid, for I am thy God, I will strengthen thee, I will help thee, I will hold thee up with my righteous right hand" and "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging". That last one was a gift from my dear Alia Probst, Head of the Department of Teenage Central Illinois Angels on Earth. Thank you Alia. You helped in ways you cannot imagine.

I don't sound very Christmasy, do I?

Well, I am and I am not. I am never unaware of the miracle, the beauty of Christmas and the act that symbolizes God's unending love for us. But this year, worry is in my heart. Worry for Luke and his broken heart, worry for what the future holds for him and if he will let God guide his path. Will he choose the right college? Will he go and reach his potential? Will he see beyond the right now? Will he know how important these steps are to his future happiness? Will he sacrifice his happiness? Is he strong enough to survive a world that is hard and uncertain?

I wish I knew. But in these last weeks since Thanksgiving, I am learning slowly and reluctantly that only he can write his story. I had to let go of my son this week. He gave me a not so gentle push out of my own nest and I needed it but I hated every minute of it. I had to see eighteen for what it is and let go. I have to let him fall down if he is going to fall down and I have to let him get up on his own. I feel the pain of the fall but it is not my fall. The steps and the direction he will take are up to him. He might walk toward a too busy street or stumble down a dangerous path, but I have to sit and let him find his way on his own. I can watch but not act. That bit of information does not come to new parents in the hospital. That time continuum that seems like yesterday to me instead of almost two decades ago. No one tells you that part of it. They just give you this 100% dependent, fragile, tiny creature to take home and keep alive. You have a 24/7 job to do and little room for mistakes.

You never think you will be up to the job. You make mistakes, miss an ear infection, feed them too much, bump their heads, cut their skin with baby nail clippers and cry over your failings. You relax and do better, but then a teacher report makes you doubt yourself all over again. There are ups and downs and life gets busy and then high school starts to draw to a close. Then one day at the time of the biggest changes in their lives, you get notice that you have to stop doing what you still think is your job. You have to undo your mother instincts and put them away and try to hide the fact that your heart is breaking. You have to let go of the hand you once held so tightly. You have to trust that you gave them something to sustain them and try to deal with the doubts that you did it all so terribly wrong. Parenting is not for the faint of heart. It is not easy to take your love, your worry, your concern, your instinct to take a bullet for them and try to stop all their struggles, all the pain, heal all wounds. Where do you put that? How do you be a mother who cannot hug and hold, how do you push it down? I don't know how to do it, I don't like it...but it is necessary for me to learn. I shall do so with tears and probably with more than the occasional swear word under my breath.

For me, it also taps into my biggest source of pain, my deepest regret and question about my circumstances in life, my loss that will not be filled..the fact that I have only one child. I should probably go talk to someone about that or spend a lot of time in prayer about it. Or both. I see myself as now unemployed in the world of being a mom. I don't have a second go around before the empty nest. The nest is pretty damn empty except for dirty clothes and wet towels still on the floor. I don't like it and it seems to mark bigger changes in the future.

Life has shifted once more. I need to take my own advice and not just see the "right here, this moment" side of this huge fault that has opened in my heart and know that God has more in store for me too.

So today, the week before Christmas I prepare my heart for you, my God. Tomorrow as work week winds down for me and I step away to take the two weeks off that sustain me for the year. I will stop trying so hard. I will step back instead of forward. I will wait. I will focus on You. I will lift my eyes to the hills, wait for the shifting landscape to settle in to the new here and now. I will not let go of your hand, my Abba. I ran ahead of You again, didn't I? Let's sit and rest a while so I can hear your voice.

Gone forever...No, there IS hope

2011-09-05T10:19:00.008-05:00

I love to read. I read very, very fast and I read all the time. I will read so much in my lifetime that I am sure these big green eyes of mine will soon need corrective lenses. Can't believe I have lived this long without them yet. This weekend with an extra day off, I downloaded a book and curled up happy and content to read. The book was pretty good, not great, it is actually a movie now. I probably should not say which one as I don't want to spoil it for anyone...

So... if you are reading or going to see "One Day" stop reading right now. Spoiler alert.

Anyway, I was reading the final chapters and the book took a turn that I did not expect. I could see it coming in that chapter but that is not what bothered me. It was actually pretty clique for this type of book. What did bother me deeply was how the author described the death of this character.

"Then Emma Mayhew dies, and everything that she thought or felt vanishes and is gone forever.."

Everything in me reacted to that line. Everything in me that believes and hopes and has faith recoiled to that line. I could see what some believe, that this life is all we have and that death is the final curtain. It made me so sad because it doesn't have to be that way. I wanted to cry out, "No, there is more." I know it is just a fictional story, but the belief is how too many live their lives.

It left me feeling such emptiness. I don't know how they do it. I don't know how they stand at a grave and survive. I don't know how they make it through the highs and lows of this life without the Hope that comes from Him. It made me feel so bad and I called out to the God that I know watches over me to reach out to those who live without hope. Death is not the end. Death is but one door that leads to the Big Show. Death is goodbye to the earthly body, but not the thoughts, the feelings, the soul, the heart of who we are. That continues. Now, you may be saying you don't KNOW as you have not died, but I KNOW because of WHO I know. I know because of what I have seen when loved ones left this earth.

The biggest fear of so many is becoming nothing. Not continuing. Ending of all endings. But that is not the way it is. There is hope because of what Jesus did for us. "Oh Death, Where is thy victory, O' Death where is thy sting?"

He came, He loved us and He defeated death on that cross. Hope was His gift to us and Hope continues. Blessed assurance. Life without end. Everlasting to everlasting. It is not a fairy tale or an illusion. It can be so much more than the loss of every thought or feeling. There is a hope that stretches beyond the grave. My prayer is that someone somewhere reads this and asks for that blessed assurance. That is all it takes and it will be yours. No one can snatch that gift that awaits away from you. There is more to this life, so much more.

Back home from Disney vacation #4

2011-01-02T19:00:00.003-06:00

Well, we are back. We left sunny beautiful 78 degree Orlando to return to sunny, cold, brown 10 degree Bloomington, IL. Bummer.
This year we stayed at the Caribbean resort. I really liked it. Yes, it is a moderate resort, so the room is not like the deluxe resorts we have stayed at-the Polynesian and Animal Kingdom, however, the grounds were gorgeous and the food court was above and beyond anything at the other two resorts. I loved seeing the animals in the morning at the Animal Kingdom but the food at the Mara was horrendous. The distance to the parks and extremely crowded buses became a problem for us at Animal Kingdom. That being said, the beauty of the hotel is breathtaking. The Polynesian is also a beautiful hotel and the ease of transport with the monorail and the boats are a big plus. It has two pools, one more for kids and one for adults. Ohana is a great restaurant at the Polynesian. We had an amazing meal there and I was so glad I made reservations 6 months ago. We had the best seat in the house with a beautiful view of Cinderella's castle. Captain Cooks at the Polynesian is OK for quick service options, but the variety and quality of food at the Caribbean is really impressive. I loved that the Caribbean had so many beaches, pools and hot tubs. The transportation system was very good at the Caribbean. I would definitely stay there again, I would just bring more extras next time, like more of my own shampoo, conditioner, lotion. The rooms aren't stocked as well as the other resorts and the beds aren't as nice, but the room is minor compared to the other benefits. I am already planning our next trip (that is if we don't try out Universal). If we don't return to the Caribbean, I am thinking of trying the Yacht Club. We had dinner there too at the Yachtsman and it really is a beautiful place. I may go Magic Your Way tickets next year instead of Park Hopper. Much to consider. I am comforting myself by planning my 2011 Christmas Vacation, God willing.

Why I Believe by Cheri Fraker

2010-12-23T07:49:00.001-06:00

This week Ricky Gervais wrote an op-ed article in the Wall Street Journal about why there is no God. It was not persuasive or well thought out to say the least. I think it is so funny how we think our belief in Him or not changes anything. Celebrities tend to become quite full of themselves as evidenced when, Kirk Cameron, a Christian actor, tried recently to debate the existence of God with men who had many credentials and initials behind their names. It didn't go so well for Kirk. Why? Because Kirk's heart got ahead of him. They were speaking different languages. So, what brought this all to mind for me? This week, my friend Alicia told us in a note that her son Ewan stopped believing in Santa while her son Vaughn believes with great devotion. Ewan has autism and a critical and questioning, concrete thinking mind. He will do great things in this world, while Vaughn will probably run Disney and Industrial Light and Magic. All of this made me think this morning when I should be cleaning my house and getting ready for Christmas Eve. This life is full of questions. It may start with the end of Santa belief to some serious questioning about a carpenter from Nazareth who was born of a virgin, performed miracles, took the sin of the world upon himself, died on a cross and rose to life again. So death comes for us but it does not win. The soul lives on in Heaven.

Is our faith a fairy tale like our treasured Santa legend? Does little Ricky have the answers? Is Kirk a fool because he believes?

No Ricky does not have the answers and Kirk is not a fool. He is just a wee bit arrogant.

I will, for now, pass over the facts about science. Science supports creation and if you want to get into that debate with me, feel free to at length at a later date. I have a ton of data and facts that I can throw your way. That is not what this note is about and the facts and data are not why I believe. The facts and the data only show me that He is so much more than my human earth-bound mind can ever fathom.

I Believe with a capital B.

I believe with every fiber of my being. This is the only certainty in my entire life. The Only One.
Jesus Is, was and always will be.

He did what He said He would do. He created the Way for everyone. Everyone. What else in life is accessible to everyone that ever drew breath? He put down His life to save mine. Literally. My name is engraved on the palms of His hands. Loving Him is not a guarantee of anything except that nothing in heaven or earth will ever separate us again. I don't get a free pass on pain or suffering. He is not telling me that I will skate through this life with my heart intact or with perfect health. He does not promise me the easy way; He promises me that He will be with my along the Way. So, my belief is not based on Him doing something for me or shielding me or giving me good things. He already has done that.

No Ricky, I base my faith on knowing Him. Personally, deeply, intimately as Counselor and Friend. That is why I think it is hard to explain Him to those who don't know Him. Once He is in your heart, the created recognizes the Creator in a way that cannot be experienced by anyone else. It is individualized and personal and beautiful and Holy. It is a snowflake experience, a gift made just for You. He comes in to your life and He fills the spaces that need to be filled in our hearts. He sees YOUR pain and weakness and He heals it in based on who you are and what you need. So your relationship with Him is different than mine.

Because it is personal, for that reason it is hard to jump into listing the facts about someone you love and adore. We are not high on emotions either. He is not Santa. To know Him is to love Him. It is so intense that the feelings and the love come first to our minds. Like lovesick kids, we go to the heart of the matter because He is in our hearts. He gives us something that no one else can or ever will.

The scientific part of my mind is clouded by the love, but the scientific part of my mind still functions. I am glad that the love comes first. Just as I don't love Randy because the facts show that he is a good life partner for me; I love Randy because he is Randy. Describe your best friend, what words do you start with? You start with the words in your heart. But it does not end there.

The bible tells us that "man's wisdom is foolishness in the eyes of God". I love God because I have eyes that see. That is a big statement. So when we talk a bit about science and facts, we can also see. So, just for the wow factor of it all, let's shift scientifically... I know that my eyes are the most miraculous and awesome parts of my body. The facts about how my eyes work blow my mind. Let me share this with you just because I love reading it and seeing how big my God really is. This author, Randall Niles, describes the human eye related to his belief in God. Randall Niles was described as "the definitive skeptic, critic, and cynic. He was forged in the fires of Georgetown, Oxford, and Berkeley and his peers knew him as a "practicing atheist." Then, in what seemed to be overnight, people witnessed a dramatic shift in his life and he now believes. The facts brought him to faith because the facts are there too.

"The human eye is enormously complicated, it is a perfect and interrelated system of about 40 individual subsystems, including the retina, pupil, iris, cornea, lens and optic nerve. The retina has approximately 137 million special cells that respond to light and send messages to the brain. About 130 million of these cells look like rods and handle the black and white vision. The other seven million are cone shaped and allow us to see in color. The retina cells receive light impressions, which are translated to electric pulses and sent to the brain via the optic nerve. A special section of the brain called the visual cortex interprets the pulses to color, contrast, depth, etc., which allows us to see "pictures" of our world. Incredibly, the eye, optic nerve and visual cortex are totally separate and distinct subsystems. Yet, together, they capture, deliver and interpret up to 1.5 million pulse messages a milli-second! It would take dozens of Cray supercomputers programmed perfectly and operating together flawlessly to even get close to performing this task.

That's so powerful to me! Obviously, if all the separate subsystems aren't present and performing perfectly at the same instant, the eye won't work and has no purpose. Logically, it would be impossible for random processes, operating through gradual mechanisms of natural selection and genetic mutation, to create 40 separate subsystems when they provide no advantage to the whole until the very last state of development and interrelation. How did the lens, retina, optic nerve, and all the other parts in vertebrates that play a role in seeing suddenly come about? Because natural selection cannot choose separately between the visual nerve and the retina. The emergence of the lens has no meaning in the absence of a retina. The simultaneous development of all the structures for sight is unavoidable. Since parts that develop separately cannot be used, they will both be meaningless, and also perhaps disappear with time. At the same time, their development all together requires the coming together of unimaginably small probabilities.
The foregoing represents the core of "irreducible complexity." Complex organs made up of separate but necessary subsystems cannot be the result of random chance. Or, using the above language, such development could only result from "unimaginably small probabilities." For me, this means "statistical impossibility."
That is just the beginning of the fact debates. The tilt of the earth perfectly to support life and on and on and on. I see the stars and the heavens and I know the incredible mathematics behind the heavens defy chance. I agree with Randall about the stats, and I believe not because of the science, but because of Who He is and how I love Him.

The debate makes me weary, the debate pales in comparison to the wonders of knowing Him. The debate is tiny foolish human minds trying to comprehend the incomprehensible, the divine. That is why believers, who are blessed to know Him, always go back to the heart side of the matter.

I believe because I know Him and because we love each other.

I hope you know Him too.

This Christmas, Put a Light in Your Window To Remember

2010-11-28T09:30:00.003-06:00

Thanksgiving is over and this morning I am alone in the house with my thoughts. I am pulling out all the Christmas decorations and my heart is full for those I love. But this morning, my heart also aches for family and families who have recently known unbelievable loss. I want to do something, say something to try to help. There is so little that can be done except to love these families and to whisper their names to God.

So today, as I decorate my house, I will place a light in the window. I just have a little battery powered candle, but I hope that the light carries. I hope it shines up to the heavens to say "I remember." Every night, I will turn that little light on and remember so many dear ones.

I hope you will do this too.

My light will be shining tonight. My light says that I remember Kaitlyn, Christian and Nathaniel Novak, my cousin Greg's three grandchildren who died in a fire this month in Texas. My light says I remember the loss of Cody Hickey and my light shines not for the act that took Cody's life, but for who he was and the unending love of his family and friends, that remains. My light shines for the my dear friend Shannon's family who lost their dear Tiffany in a car wreck.

There are days that I wonder if my life matters at all, if I make a difference...but when you stop and think about it, these lives are all connected and each one is so important to all. So remember our soldiers and their sacrifices, remember your loved ones and hug the ones you have here with you tighter than ever. Think before you speak and take time to express what is in your heart.

I want my light to say I love you and I remember. It shines brightly for those dearest to me. Tonight my heart remembers my father in law, my grandparents, my dear Uncle Bob, my aunt Judy and Jackie Nation who taught me so much.

The light shines my little ones Alexandra, Lucas and Malachi.

And always, always, my light shines for you dear Gabriel. Gabe, you are always in my heart. Every butterfly I see reminds me of you.

Let the light shine.

Hello Again Blog O Mine

2010-08-24T05:44:00.003-05:00

Hey Blogosphere...I must admit I have been MIA lately. Facebook and the 140 character appeal has pulled me away, but here I am on August 24, 2010 writing a note to add to my never ending diary of some shape form or fashion. So what is up? Well, Randy and I went to the Global Leadership Summit this month. August 5th and 6th to be exact. I will never miss another one. Ever. Life changing? Yep. Probably saved my life, literally. How do you describe it in words, well, as Luke says about Big Stuf and what it did for him, there are no words, "it is a just a Big Stuf thing."
There are a million phrases I could quote as this was so rich in content, so meaningful that at times it overwhelmed me, but just giving them out is like pulling threads out of a tapestry. It doesn't work. Let me just say that I learned that I was living life WRONG. I was mistaking busy-ness with being a servant. I was performing 24/7 and not taking the right kind of breaks to restore myself. As a result, I try to die every February. I am not training for the life I live. I am not taking care of the core, the physical side of my being and therefore, I have no foundation. Now this is not about willpower (we only have 5% willpower by the way) and it is not about shame. It is about scripting your life. What do you see and where are you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually and do you have any balance? I was way up in percentages spiritual, mental and emotionally and at 8% physically. I was living life at the expense of my physical wellness.
So I changed. I wrote a different story for myself. Like a tennis player I will perform and at a very high level, but I will also recover. I will fill my energy well throughout the day, not charge through my day, head down, start to finish and need three days to recover from three days of work. I want more, I need more and I owe God and my family and my friends and my patients more than that. What is my life sentence? "She helped babies and children eat safely and with joy." "She loved her God and her family with all her heart." Next question, "Are you better today than you were yesterday?" Answer: Yep. Just one more rung on the ladder, one more turn of the wheel to fuel the places in my life where I want to excel. To restore, renew and reflect. I have a goal of 60 days without wavering to add this discipline to my life and internalize it. That will be on October 7th my wedding anniversary. I am also going to change doctors and try to figure out how to prevent my yearly respiratory Chernobyl in Feb-March. I am also going to put power behind my goals and never say "I am going to try to do___" instead I am going to say, "I am going to ___" and then do it. Step by step, rung by rung, turn of the wheel by turn of the wheel, 5% better and then 5% better again. Until I reach my goals. Then I will set bigger goals.
Randy and I had a really good time going to the Summit together. We moved to Hope Church and boy, is that a church with the right name. Hope. Randy is involved with the music program and answer to my prayers, he has been asked to play in a couple bands. He loves this and once he settles down and stops being his worse critic, God will fill in the rest. It makes my heart smile to see the journey he is on. God is so good to remember our dreams.
Luke has a girlfriend that he adores. I am happy that he is happy. He has to have surgery on his shoulder on September 2nd. Please pray for him. I hope all goes well. Anesthesia and Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome are not the greatest combinations in the world. That is the scary part for us.
So life is good right now. The other day I was so struck by my blessings that I got down on the ground face down and thanked God from the bottom of my heart for making the path straight and asked Him to be with us on the days He allows it to become crooked. Ever done that? if not, I strongly recommend it. I thank Him for walking beside me, holding my hand, lifting me up, correcting me when I waver and being my Abba. He is my constant companion and dearest love.
I hope you are all well. My friends are going through rough times right now and periods of change. I wish I could make it all better for them. I can't. I don't like change, I crave routine and comfort, but change brings opportunity and growth. There was one quote from the Summit that always will stay with me, "The One we serve does not stand still, He does not leave us where we are"...I like that, even though it scares me a bit.
So I need to sign off now and go to work. I have 12 hours ahead to open my hands and my heart to others, pause and reflect, restore and renew. Hope you do the same.
Later BlogO'Babies.

Change is here...my 2010

2010-07-31T09:08:00.004-05:00

It has been a while since I have been on my blog site. With Facebook, Twitter and texting, I have been busy. I have a book to write, but I just can't seem to get into it yet. I think I will soon, but for now, I am going to write so I can look back at this and see in my blog/diary what happened in 2010.

2010 has been an unusual year, a year of change for me. More than usual change and I am a creature who seeks comfort and contentment. I know that I serve a God who requires more of me than that and He has allowed changes to come this year. January started out with me feeling really good, I was running and feeling strong. Then I traveled to San Antonio to teach a course and I was still ok until early February. That is when I got sick, really sick, to the point that my world stopped as I know it for six weeks. Had some really scary side effects to meds (ventricular tachycardia is scary)...I had a big cardiac work up and realized that I am allergic to most things in this world. Returning to work and catching up was a long process. I don't know if I ever felt back to status quo and unfortunately I never got back to my routine of working out. Just when I would start, something else would happen and I chose to hug a pillow instead of pound the pavement. I also still felt like crap. I was thinking life was back to normal and then things changed again, my Michelle, my dear friend and clinic coordinator, took a job in Jacksonville. I was so proud of her and this job would be a huge new challenge for her, she couldn't say no. So most of the spring was a sad goodbye. Work is good, but just not the same now without her. Thank God Janet agreed to take us on. She has kept me going. We have great people to work with, but I still just miss my friend. Michelle and I are like sisters. Some days I barely see Laura at work. I don't laugh like I used to and laughter for me is key to survival.

I like how God gives you a change in scenery and I am not complaining, just observing here. This has still been a year of great accomplishments. Laura and I spoke at two national NICU conferences, I am seeing more out of state patients all the time in clinic, we are writing book 3 and PreChaining programs for premature infants are getting a lot more attention. We are all coming together in clinic in doing some excellent work. I feel us all developing our skills even more than before and I am still learning new things ever day. I am so grateful for my team and the entire peds/adults team at the Mill.

Then in June and July, things changed again at work. Cardiac rehab is joining us at Koke Mill. This meant that I lost my treatment room. I have no home right now. That makes it very hard to run a clinical practice. I am pretty stressed, been so busy, but I have been pushed out of my comfort zone. I have sensory processing disorder that is getting more challenging with age. I need walls people or a dark room to swing in once in a while. This is hard for me on many levels. But the good part is new people are coming in and we can make new friends. We can offer more to people who need help. I get to spend more time with our wonderful staff at the Mill and being the person I am, in the middle of all of this, I decided to take my friend Laura and create yet another new variation of a program at work. In the middle of change, I reached for more change, decided to go with the flow instead of fight the current. We will see if we need our heads examined or not.

Meanwhile on the home front, I also see things are changing with Luke. 17 years old, The Boy is growing up. My dog is an old dog now and I guess that means that I am no spring chicken either. :) This year, Randy and I heard a call from God to make another change and we left our church family at RCC to move on to serve at Hope Church. We love RCC and I tell you, this one was tough. But we continued to feel a tug and knew that for us we needed to be brave and make a change and hear what God was saying. It is hard not knowing that many people but I am already finding some clues to what God had in mind. I am starting to meet people that I know that go to church there and I am feeling God making a place for me. RCC is like our old dear friend and now we are making our way on a different path. Randy is so thankful and more than a bit intimidated to play with the wonderful musicians out at Hope. Music is everything to us. I love seeing him have this opportunity to grow. Yes his hands hurt, he has pain, but he loves this and when he stops being worried it will be great. I hear him practicing and I know that this is an answer to my prayer for him. Now Randy and I are going together to the Global Leadership Summit on August 5 and 6th. I felt God give me a bit of a kick this time to do this, so I listened. I really feel something major coming out of this. I feel we are where we are supposed to be.

Now the most recent shot to the heart, one of my dearest and most creative, green friends, my other half, my Lisha, is considering running away to Florida. Rip, tear, that is the sound of my breaking heart. I want my friend to be happy, but the number of people who love me isn't that big to start with and now one true friend may be hitting the road. (Yes Lish, this is a guilt number)

That is all I am going to say about that. Fraker and Hart, Fraker and Hart...no Fart? Now it is just going to be Fraker? Lish you are I were supposed to change the world, remember? Oh the power of the palm tree.

Yep, Change is here.

"There is a tide in the affairs of men.
Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;
Omitted, all the voyage of their life
Is bound in shallows and in miseries.
On such a full sea are we now afloat,
And we must take the current when it serves,
Or lose our ventures."

It will just take me a while to find my smile.
What am I going to do today? I am going to go run. I got off course a bit, now it is time to get going again.

This is Our God

2010-06-11T07:19:00.005-05:00

This is Our God by Chris Tomlin

"A refuge for the poor, a shelter from the storm,
This is our God
He will wipe away your tears and return your wasted years
This is our God
Oh...this is our God
A father to the orphan, a healer to the broken,
This is our God
And he brings peace to our madness and comfort in our sadness
This is our God
Oh...this is our God
This is the one we have waited for
Oh...this is our God
A fountain for the thirsty, a lover for the lonely
This is our God
He brings glory to the humble and crowns for the faithful
This is our God

Jesus, Lord and Savior
You are The One
You
You are the One we have waited for
You
This is Our God"

I love this song. I love when a song speaks directly to my heart. I love how music draws me into His presence and creates what becomes daily worship. There are times that I feel that I am hearing the words of these songs for the very first time. There are times I feel they were written just for me. They probably were in some way.

See, His design, His plans on our lives are so complex, they are so intricate. I believe that He puts words in our hearts, words to sing, to write, read or to say that have a destination ahead to the heart of the ones in need. I hear what I need to hear, when I need to hear it, because He put those very words in the heart of another. It is another way that we are connected through God's love for us. Chris Tomlin gave me something from his heart today, something written long ago. He wrote them for his own reasons, but God in heaven knew that I would need to hear those words on June 8, 2010. I believe that.

He speaks to me in so many ways, in music, in nature and in the still, quiet of the morning, in voices raised to Him in song. When His love is inside of us, it MUST be expressed. The artist paints, the musician sings, the writer writes. The Creator speaks to His creation. His love is passed around because it is simply too big for our simple hearts to contain.

His glory is expressed in the beauty of the world around us too. Nature declares, no, it screams His glory. I have to remember that, I have to be aware of His presence in every moment. His majesty, His design of the world around me, His design on my life. He is simply, ultimately and supremely, The Architect.

So what happened this week? Well, nothing earth shattering, I was just praying and worrying at the same time. Those two things don't go together too well, do they? The absurdity of all of it struck me. I was pre-occupied with two of my phobias, flying and bad storms. I was praying and continuing to watch the radar and fret. I was getting all wound up inside and a million scenarios were going through my mind of Plan A, Plan B and Plan C to get myself to Boston that day. Then it hit me, I could see what I was doing. I could see the disrespect I was showing Him, the lack of real faith, in asking for help but not giving it over to Him.

Tears filled my eyes. I was so ashamed of myself. I did not mean to act as if I did not believe, yet my actions expressed just that. In one of the small moments of my life, I failed. This was not a major leap of faith moment like deciding to go on a mission trip, this was a small one, the ones that make up my life. So in this small moment, I failed to trust that this second mattered to Him. But aren't these little days of worry the ones that take the greatest toll on us? On our health, our peace and our happiness? Aren't these the ones we need to surrender? All my moments matter to Him. Not because of anything in special in me, but because all that is beautiful, loving in Him. Because of Who He is and how He loves us.

So I reached for His hand that day. I walked beside Him. I let go of my fear and gave control of what I saw as a huge problem that day, hail, high winds, lightning mixed in with a small airplane and I put it all down at His feet. My problem went away, the big storm system on the radar dissipated and the weather did not create a problem for me that day. In fact, my trip was stress-free and without incident. But even if the storm had raged for hours, my response would have been the same. I would know that He planned for that day to rage and blow. Sometimes He calms the wind and sometimes He just calms my heart.

This is Our God...

Faith, Oh Lord, Let me pray...

2010-05-29T11:25:00.006-05:00

Several people, in my life and so dear to my heart, are facing a major health crisis and as their friend, I want to help them in any way that I can. There are things I can do, I can make meals, offer gifts and give of myself to them. I can love them; I do and I will always. But there is one more thing that I can do, one part I can play in helping them restore their health...I can pray.

Now, not just the couple seconds of prayer, the few moments at church to think of their name or the "oh that is too bad" afterthought. Not in the way we toss prayer about or say to others so often in conversation, "I am praying for her."

I can PRAY.

I can IF I will stop my own life, my own business, my self-centered approach to life, I can make myself a vessel and let Him fill me up. I can prepare myself to enter in to a one on one with my Father, my Abba, my God. If I take the time to prepare to go before Him, I can pour my heart out to Him for them. The get down on my knees or face down on the floor PRAYER. That is what He deserves from me, that is what THEY deserve from me as their friend. I can search my heart to see what I need to give away inside myself, to rid myself of and then go before my Father and ask for the miracle that only He is capable of giving. I can look inside, deep inside my mind, my heart, my soul and pray to the Maker of All Things.

So let me pray...

What words do I need to find Abba? What posture of my heart do I need to reach? What in my request can convince you to intervene on their behalf? I will do it. I will stop my world and create a psalm in my heart for them. We need them in this world. I know that you never allow anything in the lives of your children that does not have purpose. I know that we serve you in how we live and how we fight and how we die. I know that you shape us with the struggles in our lives, but I also know that there is nothing, nothing, beyond Your capability to restore. I know that miracles happen. I have seen them happen. So I have set a goal to ask for one. I wear a bracelet on my wrist that says "Faith." I wear it for them. I wear it because I know that You see what I cannot, You are in control. But I am asking Abba for You to not only heal them, but to cure. To wipe it clean, like you did for me, when I asked You to come in to my heart. You are the clean slate, the do-over, the one who represents forgiveness and forgetfulness. I don't know what Your plan is and I know that miracles do not happen everyday. I have had family members and dear loved ones pass from a fight with cancer. I know how it can turn out. But still, I reach for Your hand and ask. With the Centurion's heart, with His prayer, I ask.

When Alicia was sick and we did not know what was wrong, I wrote a psalm her for. I prayed for her every day. You gave me a gift of words, of writing, of emotion and a heart for others. I want to use that. I want to find myself closer to You because of what my friends are facing. I want my eyes lifted to you every day and to find a time in the quiet of the morning or the twilight, to go somewhere and pour my heart open to You. I want to annoy You with my requests, to pray without ceasing, to call their names over and over.

I want to PRAY. Being in your presence is where I need to be. I know that when we face a life threatening illness, we then rush to You. I know what we are and how we fail, and how we come to You for the big things. I know we don't deserve it, but still I ask...

Let me pray, Abba. Let me say what you need to hear.

Idol Finale 10...So long, Simon and how the show SHOULD have been

2010-05-26T22:09:00.002-05:00

This finale was lame. I am sorry. Musical guests from beyond the grave...Alice Cooper? Chicago-ish? Joe Cocker? (Who I love, but my gosh, is he 90?) Yes Lee is from Chicago, but that is the only association I see with that unfortunate group and Lee.

Why did we only see Lee and Crystal for what felt like a few seconds? Why did they cut off the end, the WINNER, and spend time with Pants on the Ground and all the other goof ball wannabees from the past. Please. Please. Please and no shot of Simon at the end.

Janet Jackson? Really? I mean, Janet is talented but has nothing to do with Idol. Why didn't you let Kelly sing or Fantasia or Rueben or Kris or Jordan or for heaven's sake, even Taylor could sing....they were all right there for the entire lengthy boring two+ hours. Use them!!!

Paula you looked great, but should not talk much. I liked you much better sitting on Simon's lap or holding his hand. You are both friends and that is evident. That was the sweet moment in the night. Simon's speech was great too. Paula dear, I know it would be hard to go back there knowing that Ryan was given 45 million dollars to annoy us all and they only offered you 5 million...I would be mad too. It wasn't fair. I would want to say something pointed, but long AWKWARD silences after your comments don't need to be part of the show. AND if Paula was there, why not let Andrew sing Straight Up with HER? All we heard about was Straight Up for weeks and weeks. Sing the damn song and get it over with!

Christina shows up in the last few seconds of her own song? Let her sing with the Idols and show them how it is done. That girl has a voice out of this world.

Oh, I was disappointed, it could have been done so much better. I am happy that Lee won and knew he would a long time ago. He is what Idol represents and I do think that he really got hosed last night by Simon Fuller's choice of song and by the choice of Beautiful Day. He should have repeated Treat Her Like a Lady...that was his best performance musically and it had a lot of energy. As for Beautiful Day, talk about comparison city to BONO!!! Crystal's song was not really known and sounded great. Geez, give her Mariah Carey if you are giving Lee a Bono song. However, he sang it much much better tonight than last night. His tears and his expression were very sweet. I wanted to see his Dad crying and his mom's smiling face. Leave the last 5 minutes or so for us to enjoy his victory, not a just few seconds. Crystal is going to be fine and was saved from the Idol chains around your neck. She has a big career ahead of her.

But Shame Shame Idol. Oh yeah, no, no, no to Madonna as a replacement. First of all, she is a stone cold bitch. Mentor yes, judge no. She is not what Idol fans want or relate to in any way. Harry Connick Jr would be wonderful. Or have past Idol winners be judges to help ease the loss of Simon. I don't know... I shall follow my Simon (and maybe Paula too) to X-Factor.

More Lessons Learned on the Back of the Bike

2010-05-24T05:22:00.005-05:00

This was a nice weekend, the first summer like weekend, it was actually hot. Saturday was beautiful, Randy and I took two long bike rides. It was so warm that I was sleepy during the first one. I nodded off twice! Not cool! But it was great just being on the road, holding on to the one I love and seeing the world rush by us. I love the green of Illinois. I love the old barns, the trees, the fields of wild flowers...it is home. Where I belong. We went to church, had a great time with Alan and Cindy and little Barron. We went to Buffalo Wild Wings and could not hear anything, but the food was great. Then off for a second bike ride at night. The moon was so beautiful and it was one of those nights that it is so light you can see everything. The stars were so bright.

I felt so small under that sky. I always pray on the bike, which is probably a good thing because as I fell asleep on it. But, I gave over everything I am worried about. I offered up many prayers for people in my life that I love who are dealing with change, health problems, struggles and uncertainty. I also gave thanks for everything that I have and my blessings have been abundant. I am so thankful for every moment of every day God has blessed me with and on the bike, I can really focus in to that. Riding a bike is dangerous I know, but we love it. For me, I cannot multi-task, I am not distracted by music or conversation, I cannot do anything but hold on and experience what is right there in front of me. I am present. I am not in the driver's seat. I am not professional girl, I am just Cheri, the girl that loves Randy. How many times can I say that during a regular day?

I need to be Just Cheri more. I need to do what Luke told me to do when he was a little boy and I was so unhappy at St John's. He told me when I cross the bridge on East Lake Drive to drop it all off at the bridge and forget about it until it is time to go back to work. I need to adopt that practice again, I am in a good, good place now and I tend to overdo it because of that. So my goal is to learn this summer from those moments on the bike and to shift my priorities to where they belong. Holding on to Randy and Luke, being a God Follower, daughter, sister and friend.

Weak

2010-05-23T07:57:00.003-05:00

Went to church last night and heard the beginning of a sermon series on becoming One. It is about the church, not the building or the Saturday-Sunday routine, but the people... a call to have hearts, minds, souls, that become one family with a heart for God. A tapestry of all, the strengths, the weaknesses becoming one, having unity of serving and living a life given to God without the mask on. Blake mentioned his Good Friday sermon "Weak" as a resource MP3 on the Hope Church website. I listened to it this morning and wow, this is a message that needs to be heard again and again. What a beautiful, honest, real testimony of how we need to be what we truly are in front of God and let Him fill in our weak places. It is about the cross, this symbol we think of as so holy and perfect and pious was actually a sign of degradation, weakness, failure and the lowest of the low. It took God to make it beautiful and strong.

Blake said that we need to let God do for us what He did for the cross. Show Him all that we think we are hiding, open the door to God and let Him in to our dark places. He sees me desperately trying to cover it all with my hands or distract Him and divert His eyes, but His eyes see through me. I need to stretch out my arms like Jesus did for me and show MYSELF what is there and own it. Know that I am nothing but filthy rags without Him. I need to ask Him to do for me what He did for the cross. He took that symbol of weakness, of shame...He made it a beautiful symbol of Hope. He can take the smallness inside of me and make it into something new. He can take the greed, the appetites, the pride, the broken, hard edges of my humanness and cover it with His essence. His spirit, His love is inside me and it can fill in the broken places inside me so He can see me as new, redeemed and restored. He loved me before I was all of those things. He loved me broken. He can use me restored by His mercy and grace and strength. He can take the weakest parts of me and use it for His purpose.

I am weak. So are you. God knows that. Our relationship is about forming a union between my brokenness and His healing strength. Taking His outstretched hand is all that is required. You can't "outsin" Him, no matter what you have done, because His love is endless and limitless. So drop the mask and give Him your weakness.

Times, They are a Changin'

2010-05-19T23:15:00.003-05:00

Today was the last official work day for Michelle and I together at Koke Mill. Michelle has been my clinic coordinator most of the time I have been at The Mill. She has been wonderful at her job, but more than that, she has become one of my closest and dearest friends. That will not change, but it is still hard. She made my days brighter. She helped carry the burden of a long list of things to do and her gifts blended so very well with mine. We will always be friends. Forever, here and beyond. I hope when we are two old ladies we will still be laughing and talking for hours. You must hold on tight to special people in your life and we will do that. Our husbands joke about our grief about this parting, it was a change, a small one in the big scope of things, but still a change, and it is still painful to be parted from such a dear, dear friend.

I have had a lot of change in the last five or six years. Change that freed me from a horrible place and made me grow. Mark left us to go to Chicago and I took the helm as leader of our pediatric feeding team. I cried the day I had to sit in his chair. I sat there panicked thinking how would I ever fill his role, he was our MD. I felt like I was on the trapeze without a net. I was shaking in my shoes. But, it was time, he gave me the gift of his knowledge and I had done the same for him. He took my influence to his clinics in Chicago and I continued to build on what he (and Luke) taught me. Our gifts were doubled that way and we were able to reach more children than before. I have learned a great deal from my Michelle. She and I were the same way, sharing talents, gifts, insight and interpersonal skills and now she is going on to Jacksonville to do amazing things for Dr Lillpop's office.

But still, I just miss my friend.

Why do I like the familiar so much? Why do I sometimes cling to the known and resist the next chapter in my life? If I don't turn the next page, who knows what I could miss. I certainly would not have the clinic at Koke if I had been afraid of change. I have been pretty brave professionally, although it is the change that tugs the heartstrings that hurts me the most. I feel it more acutely in this season of my life. My parents are growing older and so are Randy and I. I see changes in the mirror and feel time creeping up on me. Luke is going to be 17 and our boy will go to college before we know it. Life will shift and change will come again.

At times, I fear the future, growing old, loss and grief that comes to us all over the years, thinking of how I will die. But then I remember that my days are appointed to me and God is in control when I don't know the road ahead. I just have to hold His hand and trust my Abba to do lead me where I should go. I am excited for Michelle and I hope that this new job will give her so many wonderful opportunities and happy days. I will drown my sorrows with diet Polar Pops, carrot sticks and celery and swear off Orange Grease (Taco Gringo), Buffet City and Hickory River because without Michelle, those things will not be fun anymore. I will learn to knit or do something creative to fill my unhappy lunch hour until my heart doesn't hurt quite so much.

That might take a long, long time...

American Idol '10

2010-03-27T07:02:00.003-05:00

Ah, I am sure blog readers, that you wish to know what I think and how I call American Idol turning out this year. I must say that I don't know if I will continue to watch after my dear Simon is gone. Ryan just signed a 45 million dollar contract with Idol for the next three years. They wanted to give Paula chump change so she walked. I miss her but Kara is doing a good job actually critiquing the contestants and I like Ellen, she is loosening up. Randy gets money for basically saying the same things "pitchy"... "dawg"... "I don't think that was your best performance, but you know I have mad love for you".."it is hot tonight".geez, what a great job. I have come up with what I think is a brilliant solution for the transition. I think the past Idol winners ought to serve as guest judges to fill in for Simon for a season before selecting a permanent replacement. That way we get to see our past winners, they get some great exposure and they have a very unique perspective as being past contestants and judges.

As for the contestants, Didi and Andrew said too much during the elimination last week. They won't stick around to the end. Andrew, sing freaking Straight Up again and put an end to it. Didi bugs me. Like Lacey, her voice is ok for ONE song, but not a full CD. Like listening to cats getting their tails caught under a rocking chair. Make it stop!! Of course Crystal is really good. I don't know how she will connect with the typical Idol audience. I like her, but I don't know if she has it all wrapped up or not. Siobhan needs to stop shrieking at the end of her songs or I shall dub her "Screech" like that "Saved By the Bell" kid. She is not going to be there at the very end but she is very talented and a bit looney. I still have faith in my Katie girl. Katie Stevens has some big moments coming. She has a lot of talent. She needs to blow them away. She is getting back on track after the judges giving her nothing but contradiction the past weeks. She is my dark horse this year, like my Kris Allen of last year. I called it people, I called it!! Aaron...awwww...I love this guy. Everyone smiles when they see him. That will result in big votes for him. He has a great voice. He has moments coming too. Big Mike is getting at risk of being the Cheesecake Factory...he needs to sing more and mug less, but I do like him. Lee-I like him a lot, but the boy needs some expression on his face and loosen up. He has a great voice, he has to grow on the audience so they vote for him. Casey, cute and he has a great voice. He really has some moments coming if he plays his card right and picks songs that challenge him to develop "as an artist." I hear Kara in my ears! Auggh!! Someone please make Tim Urban go home, R and B may take him out.

One can always hope.

Heigh-Ho Heigh-Ho, Off to Cardiology I Go!

2010-03-27T06:40:00.003-05:00

Well the plot thickens. I guess I had the "severe reactions" to meds Albuterol and Xopenex and maybe even the steroids. My friend Jenn said, "Only you could be allergic to treatment!" I think she was right. I felt far worse from the reactions than I did during the pneumonia. I was so weak and so miserable. I posted the side effects of these meds on my Food Chaining blog (see link below in blog list). These are important meds for those who need them, but like all medications, can have some really bad side effects. I had ventricular tachycardia, only one time while I was sleeping. But that is not a good thing to have, it can be, as my stupid MD's nurse said so bluntly "suddenly fatal." Then I had several days to worry about my fluttering, rapid heart until I went to see Dr Mayer at Prairie Heart. The cardiologist was much morereassuring and said that I had zero risk factors for heart disease. He said that v-tach usually kills people with a weak heart or who had previous heart attacks or bad lungs. He thinks it was the medicine and is doing a stress test to make sure my heart works ok with exertion. I am hoping he gets me out of the asthma test the pulmonologist is pushing for (I am supposed to take albuterol during this test, I am being non-compliant and saying no. Regardless, my answer is no.) Dr Mayer also said some people with healthy hearts just have v-tach and we really don't know why. He also said that my heart rate was rapid and some people are just wound that way.

I took caffeine out of my diet and my heart was 65-70 at rest yesterday. It has been as high as 138 in the past months since I was sick. Randy thinks I react so much to meds it is likely that I react to caffeine strongly too. All my tests, electrolytes, my ECHO, chest CT..all was normal. My blood pressure is really good and my exam was fine in the office. I have to go through a stress test on April Fool's Day. That should be fun post-pneumonia! Run Chen Run!!

The Ides of March

2010-03-12T04:02:00.004-06:00

IT is coming.

IT took a year off trying to stomp out the life force that is yours truly in 2009 and went after Laura instead. But IT made up for lost time this year and got caught up by attacking and trying to kill me off the entire month of February and almost half of March.

Seriously, I DO want to know what it is about those two months that kicks me to the curb, but I digress...

What is IT? IT is a day. The anniversary of my birth. The B-word. That which cannot be named. Evil day for evil deeds. Now, I am not evil thanks to my wonderful counselor and almighty God... therefore maybe that is why IT is always after me.

The Birthday Curse.

Many a bad thing has happened on 3/15...my parents separated on my birthday (thankfully reunited), Luke's broken leg, Dad had two emergency surgeries...just scratching the surface here, believe me, the list goes on and on, severe weather, calamity, mayhem and trauma as far as the eye can see...and I always escape death by recovering from some prolonged Ebola like virus that rears it's ugly head in February or March.

This year it was pneumonia and then allergic reaction to medication.

Are we done yet Birthday Curse? Or are we going to go another round? Will you take off until 2011? One needs to maintain a sense of humor about all this but also be a good former girl scout and be prepared. Laura has made plans to throw Holy Water on me anytime someone says "Happy Birthday!"

Actually, the scary one will be 2013...I will be 50.
One word-Armageddon.

Pulmonology Visit

2010-03-09T20:29:00.002-06:00

Well, didn't get a lot of answers at my visit today but I did get a lot of "it is not this." We ruled out big, bad things. I will have an asthma assessment. Dr told me to only use Xoponex as needed, not every four hours. I thought about what he said and that helped ME put the pieces together and come up with my own explanation of what is going on. I do this every day and the pieces of this puzzle started to fall into place for me.
In a nutshell, I think my upper airway and esophagus is inflamed and swollen from the steroids and Xoponex. I think I have mild angioedema. My vocal cords are swollen and I am hoarse. I think my back and chest pain is because my esophagus if on fire from the these drugs and I am having some degree of referred pain. The nausea and other problems are also likely drug related. I told the doctor my breathing is worse now than it was when I had pneumonia.
So to turn this around, only using Xoponex if I am having breathing problems in the lower chest, I am starting Zyrtec or Benedryl to see if the upper airway quiets down and Prevacid to treat my angry GI tract.
We will see if I am right.

Dare I say it? Better?

2010-03-07T02:26:00.001-06:00

Hi. On Saturday I went home to Mom and Dad's and visited Hazel. The sun was shining and I needed to get out of the house. It felt good to feel normal and DO something. So inhaler and steroids clutched in hand, off I went on a road trip. Now I had that awful sudden loss of energy yesterday, multiple times in a row in the morning before I left, but I decided to push through it and move and it seemed to ease up. The pharmacist told me it was likely related to side effects of the meds and just to expect to feel this way. So I went home for a short visit. Since I have been sick, I have really wanted to be with my parents. I always want to go home and I go home a lot. I love sitting on the porch in the spring and summer with my mom watching the sunrise with a cup of coffee in hand, watching the hummingbirds come up to us or the deer in the field, taking walks, going shopping or going to lunch or going to dinner with them. We sit and talk and read and laugh together. We listen to music or cook. We talk about Grandma and Grandpa, Aunt Thelma, Aunt Delma and Uncle Dean. We look at pictures of Matthew and Megan, Ryan, Christopher, Rachel and Luke, Lori, Mark and Amy's kids, Mike and Barb's kids, Kevin's wedding and we are thankful for what we have.

Nothing big, except inside my heart.

What I feel about these times with my family is very, very big. I am so blessed to be "Ruthie and Jerry's girl". I treasure these moments, being with and talking about my family and loving them all.

Then mom and I went to Sullivan and spent some time with Hazel. I love my mother in law. My squirrel chasing and catching, straight talking, good hearted, fiery mother in law. I love it when Mom comes with me to visit her. We had a good day together and then I was off to come home to see my Randy play the drums with Amy Petty at church.

Wow, the music was just amazing. Amy was great, the team was great and Randy was where I love to see him, sitting behind his drums. After church, my dear friend Sam came up and hugged me and he took my hands and said one powerhouse prayer for my healing. Sam helped me with grace in past times and he has prayed for Chrissy and I just seek him out in bad times. Lots of people came up and told me they were praying for my healing. That was so good for my soul, my spirits and I tell you, I am up again at 2 am tonight, but I do feel better. Like I took a step forward out of the rut of illness I was in. Still weak, still having some of the same cough and icky feelings, but not as bad. I feel stronger.

Thanks for the prayers Sam, thanks Facebook and email and blog friends, thank you Abba.

Why DO you always feel sicker at night?

2010-03-06T20:44:00.000-06:00

Why do you always feel worse at night? I googled that and the best answer I found was from Dr Green. Here’s his explanation: While sick, many people are wondering why they tend to feel worse at night than during the day. One of the reasons is that our body pressure changes when we lay down. This tends to heighten most flu and cold symptoms like, congestion, ear pain, runny nose, sore throat, and coughing. Another reason we feel better during the day is because our hormone levels differ from day to night. Hormones help us to wake up in the morning, sleep at night, and they affect how we feel pain. One particular type of hormone is cortisol, which is more active during the day. Cortisol blocks some of the flu related pain during the day and helps control our fever. However, at night our cortisol levels decrease, which means more pain and a resumption of the fever. Also, during the day our senses are on overload. There are numerous sights, sounds, and distractions that our brain is busy processing so that it doesn’t concentrate on the pain we are feeling. At night there isn’t nearly that much stimuli to distract are brains. This means our brains can spend more time focusing on the pain our bodies feel which will amplify symptoms at night. However, don’t let this fool you, just because you feel better during the day it doesn’t mean you are.

Jeremiah 30:17 "But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds," declares the Lord

2010-03-06T02:44:00.002-06:00

As many of you know, I am trying to recover from pneumonia, which has now become pericarditis and a pulmonary problem. Lots of uncertainty, lots of ups and downs and scary nights (like this one) when I can't breathe and I feel like I am never going to get well. I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall. Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday cannot come soon enough. I will see the specialist and find out what my prognosis is from his perspective. But all of this is simply a guess. Only God knows.

I don't know what to expect each day and I dread the nights. This has been the first time something has lingered like this with no end in site. I am better but now have this new problem that results in chest pain, weakness, shaking and sudden bronchospasms. I never know when it is going to strike again. I am no longer captain of my ship. I am in the storm. I have worried and struggled, I have had to set all my plans aside. The world as I know it has stopped. It is not on my time table anymore.

There is much that I don't know day to day now, but I know the One who does know. For me that is going to have to be enough.

I am going to have to lay down the guilt about not being at work, the anxiety about disappointing everyone, the fear in the middle of the night, the worry that something else is wrong...I am going through a test and I don't hear My Lord, My Abba's voice when I call Him. But as Rick Warren says, "The Teacher does not talk to you during a test." I am waiting. I don't hear Him but I know with certainty that He is sitting right beside me in the middle of the night. His arms are around me when my chest hurts or my heart races or when tears of frustration fall. He allowed me to be put on the shelf.

He is God. I am Cheri. He loves me, I love Him, but I am not in control of this. I feel like I am tossed in the wind up and down day to day. But I am not, He directs my paths and knows what comes in each of the moments of my life. I have to tell myself "My Lord knows all about this." I have to reach for Him during the test. I need to put myself at His feet and wait for His time. I will go to Him by reading my bible and praying or just listening to music. I want to be with Him. I will ask Him to heal me but my love for him and devotion to Him is not tied to healing me. I am His to crush or restore. I am His while I draw breathe and after I stop. I am His and assured of life with Him that does not end.

So I throw in the towel, I will stop planning my return to this schedule and that agenda for next week and I will ask Abba to forgive me for doing my own thing so often and not being tuned in enough to what He wants from me.

My body has stopped so my ears can hear.
It is time to listen.

I have pneumonia

2010-02-28T21:30:00.002-06:00

Wow, I have been so sick this month. It all started February 5th and now it is February 28th and I am starting my fourth week battling this illness. I am taking my 3rd round of antibiotics. It is very frustrating when I can't breathe well. The cough will likely hang around a few more weeks according to Dr Harney. I have to go see a pulmonologist soon.
Last week I just decided I wanted to go home. Not my home here, my first home, my parents home. So I packed a bag and went to see my Mom and Dad for several days. I needed some TLC and some rest. When I was at my house, I kept trying to do stuff. At Mom's, I really rested, slept for the first time and mom was so good to me. She made all my favorite foods. It was great being there. I love spending time with my parents. I am so blessed to have them.

Acupuncture and Herbal Medicine...I am better in two treatments

2010-01-23T09:23:00.004-06:00

Hi All
If you have read any of this, you know that I have really had a set back with the old bod lately. Big time nerve issues on the right arm (you know, that one I USE for everything) and it really sent me spiraling. Dizziness started re-emerging too as my neck started to get bad again. I went running back to Dr Na for help. The one thing that always works for me, acupuncture.
Well, this time was very, very interesting. Last time I saw her years ago, it was more for emotional healing and pain management. This time she was worried about me. In addition to having tennis elbow, dizziness, cervical pain, headaches from this flare up, I had developed also problems with gluten intolerance since I had seen her a few years ago. She said everything was related to the GI tract as well as the nerve issues and she said that I needed the full meal deal, so to speak. She told me that with treatment (needles in my abdomen and herbal meds) she could get me eating bread again. She would work to heal my GI tract with a mix of acupuncture, eating tiny amounts of bread and daily use of herbal supplements. She makes my herbals herself. Well, I started drinking it twice a day an hour before meals and wanted to give you an update.
After TWO sessions with the amazing Zhai Na, I am pain free, playing Wii sports, no dizziness, running and eating bread, pasta, everything daily now with zero reaction. No red eyes, no bumpy skin, no itching, no congestion, no weird fuzzy headed fatigue, no joint pain, no GI bleeds. Two treatments.
Wow. Chinese medicine blows my mind.
Thank you Dr Na

Christmas 09

2009-12-26T03:21:00.003-06:00

I hope you all had a nice Christmas. We spent most of the day at home, Luke and Randy played video games and I watched the Disney Christmas Day Parade and later watched Field of Dreams. Gotta love that movie! Then we went over to Alicia's to eat dinner and open presents.
I write about Christmas so next Christmas I can read back and see who got what for whom and it helps me think of things for that year. Here is the rundown...Chrissy sent our gifts to us. She didn't need to do that! She and Jeff bought me a French Press for my coffee. Oh boy! I am excited. I also have my shiny red tea pot from Alicia + my coaster that warms up and keeps my coffee hot. My little sweetnesses M and M got old Aunt Cheri some really nice coffee too. I am all set for hot beverages at my house. No more running out of coffee filters and making my own out of assorted paper in my house. Mom and Dad did way too much for me, coat, ice cleats that slip over my shoes so I won't fall and as I have no arms that work (left elbow was broken in the past, now right arm doesn't work either-so falling down for me is a bad, bad thing), picture frame, sweaters and scarves, boots and money for my trip. Alicia got me some really cool socks (she is the queen of socks) too. Alicia's house looked beautiful. That girl can decorate trees like no one I have ever seen. Beautiful. She needs to be hired by Disney to decorate the park. Luke received a movie, CD, jeans, iTunes cards and a neon clock for his room that says, "The Man Cave" on it. Randy received gift cards, pajama pants and money. We are so blessed. Now on to the rest of our vacation. Merry Christmas Everyone.

This is Why We Need Our Savior. The words to "Jesus Will Meet You There" by Steven Curtis Chapman

2009-12-25T05:13:00.002-06:00

When you think you've hit the bottom
and the bottom gives way
and you fall into a darkness
no words can explain
and you don't know how you make it out alive
Jesus will meet you there.

When the doctor says, "I'm sorry,
we don't know what else to do."
and you're looking at your family
wondering how they'll make it through...
Whatever road this life takes you down,
Jesus will meet you there.

He knows the way to wherever you are
He knows the way to the depths of your heart
He knows the way cuz he's already been
where you're going
Jesus will meet you there.

When the jury says, "Guilty,"
and the prison doors close
When the one you love says nothing,
just packs up and goes
When the sunlight comes and your world's still dark,
Jesus will meet you there.

When you've failed again and all your
second chances have been used
And the heavy weight of guilt and shame
is crushing down on you...
And all you have is one last cry for help
Jesus will meet you there.

He knows the way to wherever you are
He knows the way to the depths of your heart
He knows the way cuz he's already been
where you're going

When you realize the dreams you've had
for your child won't come true
when the phone rings in the middle
of the night with tragic news...
Whatever valley you must walk through,
Jesus will meet you there.

He will meet you there.

Jesus will meet you there...

Merry Christmas Everyone...it is here!

2009-12-25T04:51:00.003-06:00

I love Christmas. I have felt so bad lately that until this morning I have not had my Christmas joy, that feeling of connection with my Savior, that sweet communion with my Abba. Abba, what we observe this day, this beautiful day, is a day of hope, of blessed assurance. In this day, my gift, the only gift that matters is the knowledge that I am forgiven and free. I am yours and you will never leave me. There is no death ahead for me or anyone who calls your name. Because of you I am not afraid. Because of you there is hope. You took me in to your heart and you took my place to allow us to be together, always.

Thank you my Abba, thank you.

Last night, we had Christmas Eve at our house with Mom, Dad and Hazel. It was very nice. Big turkey dinner and lots of food, but the best part was seeing them all around the table. Unfortunately, with this rain and fear of water in their basements, they did not spend the night, they went back home. Mom and Dad will come back later today and we will all end up at Alicia's tonight. But for now, I sit by the tree with my old dog. I have a hot mug of coffee beside me and beautiful music playing. I have found my Christmas joy as well as my Qi.

2nd visit for Acupuncture-The Quest for Qi

2009-12-23T19:17:00.003-06:00

Hi. I must admit that I went in a bit scared of what Dr Na was going to have to do to me. Now, I was very happy that she has literally taken my pain and distress down from an 8 to a 2 or 3. But I did too much this week and my arm was starting to hurt again yesterday but only in one place, not three. Anyway, she was glad I was feeling better but she checked me out and she is still pretty worried about me. She said my pulse is still very weak and my GI tract is a big source of concern. She said she would need to do a very strong whole body treatment (translation: needle in the philtrum). She said I felt bad after treatment (usually you feel amazing afterwards) last time because of the type of inflammation I have all through my body and because I couldn't relax during treatment. So today she got me all warm and cozy again and then about 20 minutes later came in to place the needles. She placed the first one in my arm and I was expecting the big rush of pain. It didn't happen. She continued to place them just like last time. The one in my leg (that was almost as bad as the one in my philtrum last time) had me worried and I was dreading it. She placed it and no pain. She got me all wired up and started the electric stimulation but this time on very, very lowest settings. That left the big one, getting ready for the dreaded philtrum. She told me right before she placed it that it is like being a heart patient, they must shock you back to life, it is worth it but hard. Now that did not make me relax, but she placed it and it did hurt, but not bad. Really, I almost screamed last time and this time, very little pain. I actually fell asleep with treatment. She put music on and put the lights out and turned on the big warming bulbs over me. She treated me for a long time. I was there from 5pm to 6:30. She decided to treat me once a month now and continue to work on getting me healthy and help me find balance in my life. I can't wait to see how I feel in about 12 hours. Last time I was about 80% better 12 hours later.

Return to Acupuncture

2009-12-20T04:27:00.004-06:00

Hi. I have had a progressively worsening problem with my right arm over the past few weeks. I have an ongoing battle with this body of mine, this lemon I was given that has a tendency to fall apart easily. What happened, you ask? Now it very likely started with my amazing feat of gymnastic coordination and cat like reflexes when I saved myself from a nasty fall from a tree house this summer. I was working with one of my favorite kids in the world at his house. Unfortunately, I had a momentary lapse of good motor planning and banged my head, saw stars and slipped. My recovery however was amazing. I not only rescued myself, I assisted the child and saved two plates of food. But I did this by dangling from said tree house with one arm (think King Kong here). My elbow was not helped by writing books, blogs, reports and spending hours on Facebook. Nor by lifting too heavy of a weight with bad technique in my attempt to become strong or traveling the globe and not checking luggage.

It all hit a peak a few weeks ago when my arm literally stopped working without great pain. As a very sensory person, pain takes a big toll on me. It takes a bigger mental toll. As I do not tolerate pain meds without severe side effects on my GI tract, it often means I can't take anything. That and the long list of 'to do's" on my list have made me feel like I am coming out of my own skin. I went to OT and my radial, ulnar and median nerves are a mess. I was declared a Neuro Chernobyl.

So Randy suggested a return to acupuncture to help me cope. My OT sessions have resulted in a great increase in pain but I am at least moving it better. I am going to combine the two treatments again. Yesterday I returned to acupuncture with the wonderful doctor Zhai Na. Now, Dr Na zoomed right in on my GI tract. Since I have been in pain, I have comforted myself with gluten on and off. My comfort, however, is short lived and it all just creates big problems. I love how Chinese medicine focuses on the body as a whole. Not just one organ out of whack or one localized pain in your elbow. It is all very holistic and focused on balance.

So, how does acupuncture work?

The classical Chinese explanation is that channels of energy run in regular patterns through the body and over its surface. These energy channels, called meridians, are like rivers flowing through the body to irrigate and nourish the tissues. An obstruction in the movement of these energy rivers is like a dam that backs up in others. Dr Na describes this to me as she doesn't take pain away she gets it flowing throughout your body so it is a less painful area. So I will give you a little bit of info about what acupuncture does. My meridian is an issue not only with my tennis elbow, carpal tunnel and nerve pain but also my GI tract.

The meridians are influenced by needling the acupuncture points; the idea being that the acupuncture needles unblock the obstructions at the dams, and reestablish the regular flow through the meridians. The belief is that the acupuncture treatments can therefore help the body's internal organs to correct imbalances in their digestion, absorption, and energy production activities, and in the circulation of their energy through the meridians. The modern scientific explanation is that needling the acupuncture points stimulates the nervous system to release chemicals in the muscles, spinal cord, and brain. These chemicals will either change the experience of pain, or they will trigger the release of other chemicals and hormones which influence the body's own internal regulating system. The improved energy and biochemical balance produced by acupuncture results in stimulating the body's natural healing abilities, and promoting physical and emotional well-being.

Now, I feel out of whack. I could not relax at all yesterday. My mind is on overload all the time with this pain and I feel like an empty vessel. I am enduring my days. So Dr Na also focused on all of that. She put me under warm blankets, played soft music, turned the lights down low and told me to focus on finding a calm place. She gave me about a half hour of that before treatment. Usually I can go right into relaxation mode. My biofeedback therapy from the past has made that pretty automatic. Yesterday I could find no position to rest that arm without pain and no I didn't find my happy place either.

When she placed the needles, my elbow and arm were extremely sensitive. However, after she got the needle in, it was better and I could keep my arm still. Well lets just say I HAD to keep still because moving was not an option. Owie!! The ones in my right leg/foot, stomach and above my lip were very, very painful for a few seconds and the ones in my ear and neck, well, I was not even aware of them being there. But I was grouchy when I was done yesterday, I didn't find my happy place. I didn't feel well and floating on air like I usually do after treatments. Dr Na does not understand my goal to feel well enough to go on vacation. She wants me to focus on being well all the time. She doesn't like the idea of trying to live an unbalanced life and use treatment to just keep a grip on things. She wants to me find balance. Dr Na told me that my body is hungry for treatment and my life is hungry for balance. She focused in on what I eat, how I rest, mind and body and told me that soon I would be better again, but there was much to do.

This morning around 3:45 I woke up and discovered that I had actually slept all night, my pain was down at least 80% and I kind of felt like myself again. I haven't slept in weeks. I was shocked to wake up feeling good. So on Wednesday night when everyone else is going home for the holidays, I will be on the table at Dr Na's trying to find my Qi.

Stars

2009-12-05T07:50:00.002-06:00

The other morning I was watching a slide show of pictures from the Hubble telescope. They were so beautiful. I was so struck that the God who formed the heavens, distant galaxies and glorious stars can care about someone as small as me. It gave me a tiny glimpse of how glorious, how majestic God is and it made me cry, in a good way. So, check out my little slide show or look on line to see the pictures or better yet, go stand under the stars and just look up.

Frying Pan Saga continues...Lessons in Grace

2009-11-29T05:25:00.003-06:00

If you are one of the few who read my blog, you will remember that I have been struggling with anger to the point of hatred and I have been withholding grace to those who hurt people that I love. I have lived a long time and I see a lot in my work with children and their families. I have seen amazing, wonderful loving families face the most unbelievable challenges that life can throw at a person, but sometimes I see a lot of ugliness. I see neglected abused children and I see neglected, abused spouses, both male and female. You don't have to look far to see these things either, sometimes it is right in your own backyard.

It makes me mad. Really mad, I mean flame thrower, machine gun, machete, Earl Has to Die, wood chipper mad. Get the idea? Redheaded fury, Hurricane Cheri...judge, jury and executioner. NOT what God wants of me. I am not God, no exception, no loophole. I don't get to choose who gets God's grace and this seething cauldron of loathing inside me is sin that He had to cover with his blood too.

That brings me to last night. I was at church. I have been all over with these emotions. See, I wrote the bulletin insert for church this week too. All about Grace, living with Grace. David is right, if we understood Grace we would understand God. There is not enough taught about it, not enough said about it, not enough living it. God is working something in me, He has this on my heart and He is not giving up this time. I am the one who has to change. I was really close to going forward to pray with David about it at church during the invitation, but I thought I would probably dissolve in tears and how does one quickly sum up that I want to commit a felony?

So, enter Sam. Sam goes to our church. He is a great man. Sam and I have prayed for each other back and forth over the years at RCC. Sam lives for Jesus. He is wise and funny and has a huge heart and spends his life in service for Jesus. Sam came over and hugged me and asked me how I was doing and well, I just spilled it all. He listened, shared his burdens with me too and he told me that when these feelings come up, I need to say to myself that all of it (my sin of anger and hate, the bad guy's stuff, all of it) is "covered in the blood." He told me to say, when the anger rises, "all of that is covered by the blood." We said it a few times and then Sam prayed for me as well as the ones I am concerned about. But Sam prayed for me FIRST and that did not go unnoticed by yours truly. Sam gets it. He knows that my heart needs some remodeling. I am a big girl now and God needs me to defuse my great fire. If He is going to be able to use me, He needs me to stop being Hurricane Cheri. He took me out of an awful job that made me angry 99.9% of the time. I am actually Tropical Depression Cheri most of the time, except for this issue. He wants me to be still, deep water and it is going to take some doing to get me there. I want to get there. So say some prayers for me, I am going to need them. You CAN teach an old dog new tricks, if you are God.

Tears

2009-11-26T05:32:00.002-06:00

It is Thanksgiving. I love this day. I anticipate driving to my mom's house and walking in to the smells of the holiday. I love the purity of this day, no gifts, no merchandise, just food, football and family. I like being too full and not worrying about the calories...it is a day of celebration and a day to reflect on blessings. It is supposed to be one of the best days of the year.

This morning, however, I woke up thinking about a friend of mine and the horrible loss of a family member that she and her family suffered just this week. And I cried. She was anticipating a much different day than what she will experience today. She wrote last night that she wished she could just shut her mind down. That is the thing about this kind of pain, there is no off switch. It just is. You just have to take it in and carry it with you. There is that moment when you wake up, that one instant between sleep and waking before realization hits and there it all is again. You get up, will yourself to move, tell yourself to breathe and pick it up again. The only way around is through.

I remember when Randy's dad died so suddenly, so unexpectedly, it seemed like forever before we arrived in Sullivan. There is no way to describe what Randy, Ronnie and Hazel experienced that day. I was so concerned about them and especially Luke. But little Luke was being caregiver to the rest of the family. He was so amazing over the course of the next difficult days, days that didn't seem real. There was a hole in the world, a hole in our hearts, a feeling of falling...just seeing his clothes or coffee cup where he left it that morning. It was hard to breathe at times. Then, there was a knock on the door and two wonderful ladies and their husbands showed up. Hazel and Bob's dearest friends. I tell you, these women knew what to do, I just watched them. They set up a big coffee pot and they set to work, making food, hugging us, but not talking. The days up to the funeral, they were always there, active but silent. More women like this came and did the same things in shifts. You would sit down and a plate was in front of you. When you were finished, it disappeared. They sat with you, held your hand or touched your shoulder. The dishes were washed and put away. They didn't try to offer platitudes or advice. They walked through with Hazel, they talked when she talked to them, they cried when she cried. When I think of that day, I will always remember the feelings of comfort just from their presence.

Then it was all over. After the visitation, the flowers and hugs, the funeral, everyone eventually went home. But Grief remained like Love remains. We were also visited by anger, depression and a whole host of emotions. Time eases it, but today grief comes back for us when we have another Thanksgiving or Christmas without Bob. That hurts.

I think of grief as an ocean. The oceans are always present and always changing. You don't "get over" grief,you learn to live with it. Your emotions will ebb and flow just like that living body of water. There are the days you are out in the middle with no sign of land. There are the days that you ride the tempest out, when the waves crash and toss you to and fro, days that are cold and gray, but there are also days of stillness with beautiful sunrises and sunsets. You learn to take the day that comes to you. You learn to keep moving, but not fight what is before you.

So to my friend and her family, I send you my love today. Your loss matters. I hurt because you hurt. I will think of you today. I will hold those that I love tighter and I will cherish the memories made today more than I would have and I will pray for you all today and in the days to come. I will take time to give thanks for all that I have been blessed with and for my family and friends.

End of a Great Season...And A Hard Lesson Learned

2009-11-22T10:41:00.003-06:00

"Life is not fair"...you hear that a lot. As a perpetual optimist, I often disagree with that statement and overall I feel that life is fair. I feel for most of us, life can contain a series of highs and lows, good days and bad ones, but I generally believe that most of the time it is fair.

And then came the events of yesterday...

I had a lot of expectations as I watched two chartered buses pull out of Rochester High School's parking lot. Those buses were full yesterday. Full of dreams and football players that had worked so hard to go to the semi-final playoff game. It was a great match between the Rochester Rockets and Metamora Redbirds, two great teams. Even the weather cooperated yesterday, it was simply beautiful, amazing for late November.

So what happened?

It started out great. So much excitement. The Metamora fans were great sports and all the staff working the game was great. I have no issue with Metamora, the team, their players or fans. It was the official who took what was supposed to be a fairly called sporting event and he turned it into something else. Besides spotting the ball in the wrong location on the field (and to Metamora's advantage), we were also called for defensive holding and as a result that kept Metamora's last touchdown drive in the first half going. On third and 10 at our 14 yd line, a Metamora pass was knocked away by our team near the goal line. But we were called for defensive holding near the line of scrimmage, and as a result it was third and short at the 7. If this had not happened, Metamora would have had to go for a field goal, and we would have been given a chance to score again when the ball came back to us. Now bad calls happen, but then there was a pass ruled complete at midfield on a third-down play in the second quarter. The official was wrong. The pass was low, and it hit the ground before the Metamora player had it in his hands. As a result of this call, Metamora went on to score a one yard run before halftime. It also did not help to see Matt Bane beaten up for most of the game with no calls on the player covering him. But Matt was called when he finally pushed the kid who was hitting him in the stomach away.

Our kids looked like they had been punched in the gut at half time. So did the fans. But they came back in the second half, they fought like warriors and they ended up playing with so much heart that they tied the game. We lost it on the last play of the game, but we put it all on the line and gave it our all. The kids standing on the sidelines were holding hands, the entire town was behind our Rockets, they did not give up and I tell you, I have never been prouder of the boys.

But it was not fair, it was not clean and I would love to tell the official what I think of the bad job he did yesterday. Mr. Official, you let the kids down and the fans down, we deserved better. You let Metamora down. Let the winning team win or lose on their own merit. You sir, did not do your job. It was so frustrating. One bad call, maybe...but this series of calls...no.

Did we make mistakes too? Yes. That is not what this is about. When you try hard and make mistakes, that is part of the game. Officiating should not have been a factor in this game, especially at this level of play. It is a bitter pill to swallow for this 46 year old mother who doesn't know that much about the game. It is devastating for these kids and their families. To play hard and not reach your goal is one thing, to have it taken from you, is another.

So yesterday, life was not fair.
Yesterdays game will be a memory these kids and Coach carry forever. I hope when they think of it, they also remember that they had a great, great season and we couldn't be prouder of them.

But it still hurts.

Jeremiah 29: 11 "'For I know the plans I have made for you"

2009-11-19T17:34:00.002-06:00

"For I know the plans I have made for you..."

This is one of my favorite verses. I like to think about what this means, this is not just a simple verse. Our God has shared something very significant with us in these words and there is much to consider.

To me this means, that no matter what I face in life, I know it is according to His will for me. I will ask God to reveal His plans to me and turn my decisions over to Him. Good days, bad days will come and it is not random, or simple fate or chance. My path is guided by my Father, my Abba and He will allow what He allows. He has given me so many things to be thankful for and I have been so blessed. But I know that sometimes He will make the road straight and sometimes He will let it become crooked. His plans for me will not always be easy. He may allow something in my life that is dark, horrible or terrifying, but He will do so according to His plan. When I lie in bed at night with fear of the unknown, I will try to remember that I know the One who knows my way. When I am angry or depressed, He is with me. I will rest in assurance of who God is and His ways are higher than my ways and His plans are higher than my plans. My job is to pick up what He places before me and walk with it, with Him at my side. Some of the darkest struggles of my life so far have been the things that have equipped me to help others in my life. Heartbreak, anorexia, depression...there are lives that I know have changed when God worked through me from what I went through and shared with others. Luke's illness and Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome, in particular led me to a career of helping infants and children all over the world. Pain is not wasted. God's seeds always produce fruit.

There are lessons for me to learn and hopefully people to continue to help, even under the pressure of a burden. It works the other way around too, when I am broken I give others the chance to be Jesus to me. Each of our lives touches the lives of those around us. The struggles we face bring us closer to God and if we are lucky, closer to the ones in our lives that we love. The hard road, the difficult time builds courage and perseverance. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." Maya Angelou's words also ring true when she said this about courage, "One isn't necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can't be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest."

I believe these things to be true. These days of rain pass and the sun always shines again. Each day matters. You may not see it now, but someday you will know in full. There is purpose to every moment that God gives us on this earth. When our work is finished, He will let us come home to Him to begin the greatest adventure of all. So if your heart is heavy, I hope these words soothe you. Walk through this life with confidence and assurance that the way is planned and your life is important and you matter to the One who hung the stars in the sky.

Grace Can Change a Heart

2009-11-15T05:54:00.007-06:00

I like action movies. I like the heroes, the tough guy in movies like the Dark Knight, Unforgiven and the endless series of Die Hard movies. I like it when the bad guy gets what is coming to him. That big punch in the face of revenge feels good and justified. When we were little and someone did something mean, we would tell them, "oh boy, now you are going to get it!"and most often, they did. My dad is former a policeman and his job was to catch the bad guy and put him away. I have seen a lot of "bad guys" in my work, men or women who are cruel to their employees, co-workers, spouses or their children. There are so many ways that people can make you crazy. From the guy in his car who is in your way or careless on the road, to the person talking too loud behind you during the unbelievably expensive movie or concert you are trying to enjoy to the friend who talks just to hear the sound of her own voice. I have a friend and we laugh about silly things people do and we say they need "frying pan therapy." In other words, frying pan applied to the side of the head and then the stars circle around the person's head like in the cartoons of old.

Sometimes we think that would feel pretty good...

But really, would it?

I will tell you that I struggle with this issue a lot. I am a redhead and have the fiery temper to go along with it. I am emotional and sensitive and can be very loving on my good days, but I also will stand up and fight for those who I think need me to do so or for myself. But many times, all I do is cause more problems than I solve. My righteous indignation makes me part of the problem. So, Mike Jakaitis asked me to write the church bulletin for Giving Grace Away at church and I did so gladly, but when I did, God put a question on my heart, "So, Cheri, when are you going to start truly giving grace away?" Hmmmmm. He has a way of doing that, doesn't he? And He waits for me on this one. He will too, until I get it.

There are a couple of people who have deeply hurt and continue to hurt people who mean the world to me. They have been on my enemy list for a very long time. I will tell you that in my heart, I want them to "get it." I want my dear ones to stand up, say, "I am mad and I am not going to take it anymore" and apply one frying pan where it counts. Just like in the movies...

But that is not God's way. He loves that guy with the frying pan dent on the side of his head. He loves me too, even when I rant and rave. He wants me to learn that He has a better way. I need to pray for "the bad guy." I need to extend grace and give grace away and know that God is the only one who can change a heart. I need to ask Him to take the things that worry me and make me mad, to see what drives the other person to abuse and damage my loved ones. The bad guy's heart also needs to be changed and so does my heart.

So pray for me on this one, will you? I have 46 years of hot blooded temper to cool down. I have to remember to keep praying when I am angry or frustrated. I need to pass this on to God as He is the only one who can make it better. I need to see the only way I can help is to pray. I might need a muzzle or a sedative sometimes.

There is also the distinct possibility that I might be the one who needs the frying pan.

Colliding with Grace

2009-11-08T18:55:00.001-06:00

The moment Jesus took His last breath on the cross as a man; God’s grace collided with the earth. In Jesus’ last breath were the words, “It is finished.” In His death, God’s grace covered every man, woman and child and all of those who were to come. Satan was defeated in that instant. Grace, God’s abundant, endless grace flowed like the floodwaters of Noah in years past and covered all. But this time it was very, very different playing field. It wasn’t about being good enough anymore or obeying enough rules. God and Jesus not only changed the playing field; they changed the rules. Complete and total, Jesus took all sin upon Himself. He filled in the gaps. In that act, grace was all that God could see and Jesus, in His death, became the bridge between God and man. The Way was finished.

God’s grace is so perfect, so complete and so beautiful that it knocks down all possibility that there is something in me that could earn my salvation. See, there is no room for my pride in God’s grace. My pride is laughable in the face of such sacrificial love. There is a cost, small it may be, compared to the unbelievable cost to our Savior to create the Way, but it is there to pay. I have to humble myself and accept who He is and what I am without Him, before I step into the light of His amazing grace. For some of us, that is just too hard to do. He gave me an undeserved pardon so I could have life everlasting with Him. All I have to do is accept what His gift is truly about.

“Grace, grace, God’s grace, grace that pardons and will cleanse within, Grace, grace, God’s grace, grace that is greater than all of our sin…” I can tend to think I am not as bad as some who committed terrible crimes, but I must remember that it took the same amount of grace to save us all. Jesus didn’t die “just a little,” to cover my sins, He sacrificed His life to give me life.

Isaiah 49 tells us how special we are to our Lord. "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! 16 See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.” God gives us two gifts, His forgiveness and His forgetfulness. He does not remember our sins. God gives His grace away. He does not intend that I keep His grace to myself. He wants me to learn from Him and love and forgive others following His example. It is important that I share unbelievable the gift I have received and not keep anger or resentment in my heart. Grace should flow through me like living water and be the gift that I continue to give away.

"The Spaces In Between...."

2009-10-03T08:18:00.007-05:00

My dear friend Alicia just wrote the most beautiful post in answer to what I wrote on the Food Chaining blog about children and families with special needs. That was a hard thing to write. I don't think I have ever put words to the emotions around what led me to be a mother of "only one" child. If you would like to read it all of it, go to my Chaining blog and then go to her blog, Road Less Traveled (see links below). I have had her words in my head and on my heart all week. See, this has been some kind of week...

Life is a mix of dark and light, hard and soft, up and down and basically that is what makes it your life. A Tapestry, if you will think of it that way. Alicia's blog was about the silences, the spaces in between where you find harmony and the moments of stillness that get us through the hills and valleys...I guess I get too caught up in both the highs and lows and I miss the spaces too often.

So what happened this week?

First and foremost, my Chrissy, my baby sister is back in the hospital. She has a blood clot again. She will have surgery on Monday to place a stent and for thoracic outlet surgery. Mom suffers immensely when anything happens to one of us. She was catatonic the day I had my tonsils out at age 7. So imagine how she is with Chrissy in the ICU. I told her when this happened that God knows all about it and He allowed it, so there is a reason. They have now found that she has this problem with blood flow and they are going to try to fix it. We pray that this will be the answer for her. Her health is always on my mind. She is the most amazing person I know. Only Chrissy could beg to be released from the hospital for Megan's birthday and put on the most magical party imaginable. She didn't let this stop her. She looked and found the spaces in between the good and the bad, the scary...she found her life there and she kept going. So today, my heart is full with my love for Chrissy.

Today is also my dear cousin Kevin's wedding day. I had planned to be there, Mom and Dad had planned to be there...it is such a special day. Sometimes, love is slow to arrive, but when it does, it is so worth it. Love came to Kevin after heartbreak, like it did for me. Kevin is a fighter and survivor. He has had dark days and days full of light. He made himself a great life finding the spaces in between. He is an amazing man and I know that many days of joy lie ahead for him. I am not there, Kevin, but I am there with you. I take so much joy in knowing that God led you to the one person He planned for you to find. May you be blessed all the days of your life together.

Which leads me to my life, this week marks 20 years of marriage with the love of my life, my dearest, my most amazing Randy. He is literally my answer to prayers...my heart and my soul are absolutely filled with love for this wonderful man. To tell you that I love him more every day not as a cliche, but the absolute truth. I do. I understand how "the two become one" in time, it takes time for a marriage to grow...I feel it happening more and more. I see it in the wonderful long marriage of our friends Mike and Debbie. We will celebrate with them this week. I see it in the marriages of members of my extended family. Marriages built around God's love for us. Now, I have always been a little bit afraid to truly let go and put down that last wall around my heart...I have, for my own reasons, always held something back. Some of that "too good to be true" stuff rattling around in the closet of my low self esteem. But I am going to jump in, put fear aside and for all the moments, days and hopefully years we have left together, I will love him with abandon. We have been so blessed in our life together and I am so thankful to God for bringing Randy to me. Sometimes we ride the bike together and I just squeeze the heck out of him with a huge bear hug when I am overcome by how much he fills my heart. So happy anniversary, my Randy. I am so honored to be your wife.

Tonight is the Homecoming dance. Rochester won the big game last night (that is an understatement) and Luke will soon be getting ready to go pick up his date. These events seem so poignant to me now. Proms, dances, seeing Luke grow up and experience the events of life that were so fun and so meaningful to me. The seasons of life are passing...I see him growing up and I also see my face changing in the mirror before me. Time is evident in the bit of gray that finally showed in my Dad's hair, the beauty of my mom's face, Megan and Matthew growing more every day, Rachel looking like a teenager now, Ryan in college, Christopher getting taller and taller...time rushes by in a blur sometimes, doesn't it?

I like it though. This bittersweet life God has given me. If you are struggling, find those moments of peace, if you are on the mountaintop, take time to savor it. If you are somewhere in the middle, that is part of the journey. Those days have value too.

I don't know what lies ahead for all of us, but I know the One who does.

Summary of our week: Impaling and Vomiting

2009-09-16T06:21:00.002-05:00

This has been a weird one. Randy was trying to move a box spring and mattress out to the road for pick up and ran a staple deep into his finger. Luke who is still recovering from a knee injury and will have an MRI on Saturday, starting yakking up his guts last night. I am on Florence Nightingale duty and trying to prepare not one, but two lectures and keep all things straight. Randy and Luke are very different creatures when hurt or sick. One is the lone wolf when hurt or sick and wants no assistance and the other needs watch duty 24/7. (I keep waiting for what is coming for me!) I was on the loveseat and Luke was on the couch all last night. I feel like the Coyote on Road Runner when an Acme truck or steam roller goes over him and then backs up and does it again, followed by a boulder on the head.
Tax day yesterday too, that really blows.
Oh well, could be worse, could be raining!

Letting Go and Holding On

2009-09-08T04:46:00.008-05:00

Hi. Had a great weekend at home with my guys. A couple of things stand out in my mind from this weekend though as I sit here and prepare for this day to begin. I received an email from one of my closest friends. Her heart is breaking because her daughter is starting school. They have never been separated. No daycare, no preschool. So this is a big, big step. The first of many my dear friend will face in the act of parenting and toward letting go.
Then, we went to church on Saturday with our friends. Had a great time. Our sermon at church this week was about God. About Who He is and His love for us. It was about holding on.

Isn't that what life and parenting are all about? Knowing when to hold on and when to let go? The older I get, the more I value moments in my life. The more I see my life like seasons. My mom tells me it makes her sad to see school supplies. She remembers buying them for us. I understand that as I walk by the crayons and go to the protractors and scientific calculators. I treasure things more, those moments with my parents, just being with Randy and spending time talking to Luke. Luke's 16 years have passed in a blur. I remember telling my friend many years ago, that my job was to help Luke be strong enough to stand on his own. The art of knowing when to let go at the right time and when to catch him when he started to fall.

It is not easy to let go. That first grasp of your finger by your new baby is eventually released and that moment begins a long series of goodbyes. Releasing your child's hand to take his first steps, letting go of the back of the bike to watch him pedal away, holding hands walking to the door of the school and then releasing hands. As your child grows it becomes letting go to be away from you for sleep-overs, school trips and week long church trips. Then the big ones start, releasing the keys of the car, remembering to breathe as you listen to the car start and pull out of the drive, packing for college, walking down the aisle and finally, waving goodbye as your child starts a life truly on his own. I have seen many of those steps, I have released Luke's hand many times and I will tell you, it leaves a mark. Bittersweet. But letting go is my job.

Now, I am God's child and He loves me. We have a bittersweet love too. I have hurt and wounded Him. He loves me anyway. I know that all parent child relationships have that quality of joy and pain. The sermon this weekend was good, but when you think about it, there are no words that can ever truly capture the essence of God. No human sounds can be created that resonate deeply enough or articulate fully enough to describe holiness. I think if you asked me about who God is or what God is, I would only be able to say one word to you. Abba. The word for God that is closest to "Daddy." A beautiful word, a holy word, a quiet and still word. The closest thing we have to calling His name.
When Randy and I rode the bike the other night, the moon was out, the stars were shining and wind was in my face. I thought of God as I always do on the bike. Creation calls His name. I wondered what He was thinking about and where He was. Then the moonlight hit the water and it shimmered. It was so beautiful and I thought, "Oh, there you are Abba." I could feel Him with me.

He Is Everywhere. All the time, always with me. That simple and that complex, He just Is, the Great I Am.

The sermon talked about challenges that we face in this life, the valleys we walk through and how we invariably and sometimes angrily ask ourselves where God is in these times of trouble. See here in lies the problem. We let go. With God, the lesson is to always..hold..on. When bad things happen we want to know why He was not on watch.

Do you ever wonder if God asks us where we are?

I am very comforted by the constant presence of my Abba. It is an illusion that I am on my own. I may think that I am but He will never leave me. Once I give Him my hand, I am never alone. That is all I have to do, open my hand. Nothing on heaven or earth can separate us. He helps me know that I will never lose those I love. That Forever waits for us all to be together. Luke will grow up and have his own walk with Abba. Luke has things to do and a purpose for being here, just as I do. Luke is not alone. When he was little, God held one hand and I held the other. As he grows up, I have to let go, but God still holds on. He holds on to me too. He will hold my hand as I say other goodbyes in life. As I face loss and grief but with hope. When I struggle, when I know fear and uncertainty. When clouds gather and the sky seems dark and frightening. I will was always feel His hand in mine. There is such comfort in that.

So do not fear when it is time to let go of her hand today, my friend, your child does not walk alone and remember the true lesson in this life is to open your hand. He holds on, no matter what you are facing, He holds on.

Rats

2009-08-25T22:28:00.002-05:00

Hey
Can't sleep. So here I am contemplating this day. This was such a beautiful day. So pretty in fact that no one came to therapy and I was able to leave mid-day. We all went to lunch to celebrate Sibyl's birthday. I even took a nap and watched General Hospital. I ran and worked out. I then sat out on the porch reading with my puppy beside me. Things were looking good.

Ruh-Roh...

At 5pm, received a call that Luke was hurt. He re-injured his knee at football practice. This means he will probably miss much, if not all, of the season. He is on crutches again, icing and elevating it. But I knew who to call...my Koke Mill friends. We will go see the wonderful team at SportsCare clinic on Thursday to see how bad it is.
So, we will drive 1700 miles to games that Luke won't play in. No fun. Still, I love going to football games with Randy, but I will miss seeing Luke play. I will also now have to more actively help my hobbled up boy collect bugs. Ewwww.
But the good part is he could have been hurt much worse and that he did not re-injure his hand. I think I went a bit nuts though, I ate a breadstick from Papa John's and part of the crust from my one piece of pizza. I will look like the Devil himself tomorrow from gluten poisoning. Oh well.

School.....blech!

2009-08-14T08:53:00.003-05:00

I am NOT ready for Luke's sophomore year to start. I am not ready for summer to end. It can't be over. Waaaaa. What I am really dreading is the Zoology class bug collection. Any tips for bug collecting, let me know. I have considered buying one online...ha. Oh, Lord. Anyone who knows me knows that I do not like bugs of any kind, except for the butterfly, which I do not want to see stuck through with a pin. Luke has a very heavy class load this semester too. Poor kid.

I think I am also dreading my fall. September and October are crazy for me this fall. Busy, busy, busy AND I have taken on writing the book. I think school signals what is coming for all of us. Blech! Oh boy, here we go....

American Idol Without Paula Abdul...Say It Ain't So...

2009-08-09T13:29:00.006-05:00

Now, as I am the resident expert on Idol and correctly picked the winner all but one of the past seasons, correctly picked the top five all seasons and never miss a show (thank the Lord for DVR)...I am going to give my opinion of Idol Sans Paula and here it is.
I
Do
Not
Like
It

Who is the moron that thought that Paula was the problem? The same person that thought we needed Kara added to the mix? The same one who let two judges talk on a show last season?

What? No Paula? Are you kidding me?
Yes, Paula is loopy, unpredictable and all over the place sometimes. She has also had 13 cervical surgeries, I would be loopy too. Paula is like your favorite aunt or sister, we love Paula. Paula balances out Randy and Simon. She is the heart of the show. Without Paula, Idol would be cruel. Simon is just mean without her. I like watching him tickle her, talk in her ear, draw pictures on her face. Paula makes Simon human. She cares about these kids. She shows up for rehearsal (so she did hear Jason Castro sing both songs, she was there). She gives them advice and comfort and gifts. Otherwise, Idol could be like watching someone pull the wings off of a butterfly. She adds to the show. I love Paula vocabulary lessons, what word will she massacre this week? But not in a scoffing bad way, I just dig Paula.

I might also point out, that it was Paula who pushed to get Kelly Clarkson from Hollywood week into the top group, it was Paula who pushed and voted Chris Daughtry to Hollywood, it was Paula who liked Chris Sligh (who is doing great in Christian music and just wrote Rascal Flatts song "Here Comes Goodbye") and loved Jennifer Hudson. Paula pushed for countless other talented kids to get a break. Simon told Kris Allen he didn't stand a chance, wrote off David Cook, Paula did not. Now, don't get me wrong here...I love Simon. I love Randy and the show would not work without Mr. Cowell. But the chemistry, the judges are Randy, Simon and Paula.

Why did she turn it down? I think Paula felt disrespected more than looking for money. I agree with her. I think she was disrespected. And anyone who thinks I want to watch what Victoria Beckham has to say, is waaaay wrong and does not understand who the Idol Audience is.

To the Powers that Be at Fox, get down on your knees, tell her you are sorry and ask Paula to come back. Make a counter offer. If you don't, you will be sorry. Paula needs Idol and Idol, most assuredly, needs Paula.

If Grace is An Ocean, We're All Sinking

2009-08-08T09:31:00.004-05:00

What does it mean to be a Christian? What is this label I wear? Is it a label? No, really it is like being called "daughter, son, beloved"...it is a sign of Who I belong to and nothing about who I am.

It is about letting go of me and embracing more and more of Him. It is a journey, this life as His follower, to walk as He would have walked, to love those who are in need, to care to stop and lend a hand, to pause and listen and not judge. To live large and full. To choose to honor your husband, your wife, your parents, to love your children no matter what, to forgive all who harm you, to know that you too have caused pain, to live with Him guiding your choices, to share your resources to help others, to use your gifts to the best of your ability, to remember to rest in Him and not break laws that in the end, destroy you.

He is the judge, the only one and cautions us not to be. He gave me a job, one job, to love, to be like Him and to leave all the rest to Him. He tells me He will judge me with the measure I use to judge others. He gave me the only job I am capable of, to empty myself of me. To lay down my pettiness, smallness, anger, selfishness and to allow Him to enter me and fill me with the only good inside, from His glorious grace.

"..If Grace is an Ocean, we're all sinking"....

When I told Him I loved Him I was marked as His. Christian. Christ in me. He tells me that nothing will separate us now that I am His. All around me may leave or may at some time stop loving or caring about me. He will not. No power in earth or any where can take that from me.

"See I have engraved you on the palms of my hands"...it is His loving nature that makes this so amazing. Nothing in me has earned this or ever will. This is 100% Him.

He loves all of us. Not just a select few. No matter where you are and if you ask Him to, He will love you all the days of your life and beyond.

I am supposed to share the message. It is simple. His message, not mine. He waits for you. He is in love with you too. He stands at the door. He is patient and will continue to wait for you. He took the barriers down to allow us to be with God freely. He did it for me and for you. The message is all that is needed. I am not to add to it. Just help point out the Way. That is all.

Instead Christian has become known for something else, but sadly, nothing in that label, the one that society knows, reflects Him.

Oh How He Loves Us
Oh How He loves Us
Oh How He Loves

BigStuf 09

2009-07-26T18:37:00.002-05:00

Luke returned home from Florida. Now, one scary moment...he was out too deep in the ocean and stung by a jellyfish...he needed help getting back in and tide was coming in and the waves were really getting high. He said he felt like he was going to drown. But this trip really changed his life. He came back a different kid. He was baptized again on the last day in the ocean. He said he felt he really needed to do it again as he was very young the first time. I am so glad he went and so thankful that RCC has someone like Dustin as the youth leader. Thanks too, to all the adults who went and made this week so special for Luke. He especially enjoyed his time with Mike and CJ but everyone was great. What a blessing!

Luke's Gift to Me

2009-07-11T07:23:00.000-05:00

My boy hit a real milestone birthday this week. It is hard to see your son turn 16 for many reasons, there is fear about him being out on the road and driving, but it really is that first big step to adulthood. That hurt. It really hit us too. I cried on and off numerous times. I couldn't control it. One minute smiling, one minute waaaaaaaaa. I watched him get in that truck and drive away and I must tell you, I was not prepared for all the emotions. Now I didn't cry all day, we really had a great day, Randy wrapped Luke's truck in wrapping paper and filled it with balloons the night before, we went to Sullivan to be with Mom and Dad and Hazel, we had Mexican food at Little Mexico and finished it up with Texas Sheet Cake and Ice Cream.

But I still felt that feeling of sadness all day. He seemed so grown up, so mature and it was hard. How did this happen? How did he grow up so fast? I felt like my role as Mom had come to an end.

And then, something happened. We found our toilet was not working right. It kept draining down and filling up with water and Randy formed a blister on his hand battling it with the plunger. I was even more bummed. We had a problem with the sink in the kitchen and now the toilet. I felt even more blue. I anticipated that we now had a major plumbing issue. So the next day, Randy worked on it again with "the snake"....and pulled out, yes, an apple core.

Yep, that is right. An apple core.

Randy did not do this.
I did not do this...the 2 adults in the house did not do this.
The dog did not do this.
That left one person. And that person was "The Boy."

Praise the Lord, there still are only two adults in this house! A "man" does not do this. A kid does this. My baby was back. My big dumb kid was back. He was not grown up, not yet. He was still goofy Luke and I was happy again. He was sorry and he had this big sheepish, dumb grin on his face about it. Just the way he told the story had me laughing hysterically. I hugged him and told him that the apple was a gift to me and it made me feel good again. I think, deep down, it made Randy feel better too.

So happy birthday, my Luke and thanks for the apple....

Green

2009-07-07T08:49:00.001-05:00

Last night, Randy and I went for a ride on the motorcycle. We rode out in the country. The sun was going down and I was struck by the beauty of green everywhere. I love green. My eyes are green. It is my favorite color. The wind roared in my ears and the world looked so beautiful. I saw dark greens, rich greens, forest green, light green, yellow green and it just spoke of life. Life in abundance. All the world supported by beautiful, beautiful shades of green. I know God loves green too. He has to love it, it is everywhere. Do you ever look around and feel like you know Him more by looking at what beauty He has made? I think the colors of the sunset touching everything around us is one of His gifts to us.

Then I started to think more about the life before my eyes. Grass that supports life around the world and comes back no matter how devastated, how burned down, the green of the rain forests that stretch as if to the sky, the plants that turn their faces to the light, I thought of it all, down to the chlorophyll pumping through the plants. The beautiful colors and the actual science of chlorophyll makes me think.

And then, I wondered, what color is my soul?

Does His presence inside my heart make me full of the colors of Life, His life in me, that He can see?

Consider this about Chlorophyll..
"It's usually easy to tell when a food has significant amounts of chlorophyll, because chlorophyll provides the green color that is found in grasses, leaves, and many of the vegetables that we eat. These plants and foods would not be green without their chlorophyll, since chlorophyll pigments reflect sunlight at exact appropriate wavelengths for our eyes to detect them as green. The chlorophyll a molecule actually reflects light in a blue-green range (about 685 nanometer wavelengths), while chlorophyll b reflects light in a more yellow-green color (about 735 nanometer wavelengths). The overall affect, however, is for us to see varying shades of a color we would simply call "green."

So maybe I am green too. How green do I appear to you Abba?

I am full of life. Everlasting, evergreen..abundant. I am eternal, but only because of You. Because of the life You put inside of me. Because of the life You gave so I could live too. I hope, my beloved, my Abba that when you look at me, all you see is Green.

Farrah and Michael

2009-06-28T06:44:00.000-05:00

In one day, two major pop culture stars died. They were famous for very different reasons, they lived very different lives and yet there were very sad similarities between them.

First was Farrah. She was literally one of the most beautiful women in the world. One picture of her will stand forever in our minds when we think of her. She did not go the way of other overnight sensations, she walked away from a wildly popular show after one season to pursue projects that made her grow as an actress. In her career she seemed to have to fight the very beauty that brought her fame. She died battling a horrible cancer and her story truly was heartbreaking. She appeared to be a person who loved everyone around her and she had a great deal of courage. But also heartbreaking about the lovely Farrah's life, were the horrors of plastic surgery that took that beautiful face of hers and made her look so artificial. She would have been just as beautiful with age had she not had surgery.

There is a beauty in aging that we try desperately to fight under a scalpel or needle. Why? Why is it necessary to do this? Why are 20 year old starlets using Botox and having face lifts? Why?
What is Hollywood putting out there, what are we as a culture embracing as truth that makes someone of the greatest beauty destroy their face? The irony of this is incredible and simply tragic.

Then there is Michael, a gifted child, a prodigy, musically and physically, he could dance as if in the air instead of on the floor. Troubled and reportedly severely abused as a child, we watched another beautiful young man become marred by plastic surgery that left him not even looking human. Whoever did these things to him; whoever performed these surgeries, should be deeply ashamed. If Michael lacked the judgment or mental capabilities to make good decisions or not, a good surgeon should have said no and not performed these extreme operations. With Michael, not only was his face destroyed, but inside he seemed to be a very troubled soul. It almost appeared that he believed the things he said, that he only had two surgeries and his other claims. He seemed like a perpetual child, living in Neverland. He never lived a typical life, never had a normal childhood. How sad to see what happened to someone with such promise and such amazing gifts. He was literally consumed by the world around him.

Now they both are gone. Lessons to be learned from both of them. Both gone in the same day. I pray for them and for their families. But I hope that someday this obsession with the artificial and the superficial will end.

Warrior Moments

2009-06-27T09:23:00.000-05:00

Today, I ran for 65 minutes. My speed, my distance, all improving. My grit and determination most of all. I ran on my treadmill. No one understands this process but me. I don't need to run a race or with other people. I will get there when I am ready to do it. If I am not ready, I won't. I run at home for many reasons, one to try to avoid to horror of injury. I have fallen down the rabbit hole many times. Last year I couldn't stand up straight because of 9 months of vertigo and dizziness. Injured and not getting better, daily pain, months of PT, pain pills that rip my insides to shreds, fatigue and anger. I don't want that back. It wasn't easy, but I have learned to overcome. I overcame the injury when Luke was a baby, I overcame the car wreck, I overcame the neck injury, I overcame the illness that left me with vertigo, I overcame the flare up and mystery several years ago that almost killed me, I overcame the illness last year that took my balance away for 9 months. I did not back off. Dr. Harney told me I have a stubborn streak that serves me well and he yelled at a table of suits at the hospital (bad place) who were trying to fire me as damaged goods. I was refined by those fires and I value them now.

And it is so much more than that, I run here because at any time I CAN stop. I am not away from my car, I am not out in the country forced to run home, I run here because I can stop and I choose not to. I run in my own mind, I find my own determination.

This is my time to shut off my mind as much as possible and reach down deep. I find a place where I focus my eye on one spot on the wall and I decide to stay every minute. To reach, to accomplish more. My knees are driving me crazy and the PT ideas are helping, but I need to do this. I need to break this wall down. Like I broke down others. Physically I have always been weak, hypotonic and put together with spare parts. This is the obstacle I have never fought. Now I do.

For myself.
For Alicia. I do.
This is the time to tap the inner warrior like I have before.

In my life I have chosen the hard road over the easy one. I am not afraid of it. Because I don't walk it alone. I grew up with a huge and incredibly sensitive heart. My feelings can be obliterated easily. Love is not easy for me. All my life I have faced rejection in many forms. Rejections that have left huge scars and bring tears to my eyes as I write. But I love anyway. With a bleeding and wounded heart. I remember the crossroad moments, when I watched my Dad leave our home. When my life I planned shattered around me on my graduation day at EIU. I could have chosen bitterness. I chose love. Dad came home. I loved again. But I destroyed myself with anorexia for two years. I made myself suffer. I punished that ugly little girl that no one wanted. Then, I pulled myself out of it. Alone. A warrior. I kept my heart open. I know in this life I will probably love everyone in my life at some level, more than they love me.
Except for One, the One.

One who came in to my wounded heart as I was sitting on my Grandfather's knee.
One who puts my capability for love and selflessness and compassion to shame.
One who fills in the brokenness in my heart.
One who saved me.
One who is Love.

I have accomplished many things in my life. I have learned not to fear. He helps me be a warrior. I have learned to achieve. To build what I want and to rebuild it again when others tore it down. I have learned to climb the mountain, to dive into life, to jump and not worry about the landing because I ask God where and when to jump. I have learned to find strength from the negative energy of those who only want to tear, to rend and destroy. I have learned to fuel myself with their doubt and discouragement.

I have learned to be a warrior.

I have learned to pray and I am still learning that life long lesson. Not just to say a word or two, not just to make a request list, or recite words, but to open up, quiet my mind and find Him. I am trying to be transparent and focused, but I just can't do it for very long before this world crowds in on me. I can do it when I write my prayers to Him. But I am going to try to find that place in my heart, in my mind and in my soul, when I run. Or say nothing but have Him in my heart and soul. I lift my hand at times when I run. I lift my heart. I want to fill my soul. The music fills my ears and tears fill my eyes. If I tumble off that treadmill, I will get back up and run again. Today I decided that no matter what, I was not stopping.
I did it. Didn't like some of it, but I like it now. I like being a warrior.

I sense something coming. I think there is more for me to do. Something that requires physical strength and endurance. Something that will allow me to use my gifts for my Savior. Some kind of mission work or something, I don't know. I am waiting for Him to tell me.

I just need to be open. To be strong. To be a warrior. That path ahead is uncertain and I cannot be afraid.

Laura says I can run like the wind....

2009-06-12T10:53:00.000-05:00

Hi. Well I went for my first outdoor run yesterday. I was forced (and I mean it) into it by Laura. She decided it was time and regardless of time of day, weather, my physical condition, my readiness, my lack of PT approval or knowledge of outdoor running vs treadmill running...she had it on her list and we were going to go and we did. She and I met our friend Melanie (a nurse, thank God) and we ran the Rochester trail. I told the girls this was my interval running day and I put my iPod on and started off for a very slow warm up jog followed by a fast run for two songs (David Crowder band Everybody Praise the Lord and David Cook Declaration), then a race walk followed by fast walks and sprint type runs. I must admit it felt good to really let go and run. I am still a bit unsteady on the treadmill, especially when running full out and this was a nice change. Yes it was like 100% humidity, storms clouds were rolling in and there were bugs...but I did it. The humidity got me a bit on the second mile, but I was still able to run the last leg in. My shoe/sock issue slowed me down and when I stopped to fix it, there was roaring in my ears and a huge rush of heat, but I perservered. Laura did great too. Melanie has been running for over a year and she has lots of good advice.
I did a 12 minute mile and total run of 2.4 miles total. Not sure if that is good, but Melanie says we did a good job.
So I am glad that bully Lala got her way.

Last Night

2009-06-07T07:54:00.000-05:00

Hi. I was so wiped out after a stressful day in Peoria. Took a little nap and then Randy came home from church. He went out to dinner with worship team and came home on the bike. He asked me if I wanted to go on a ride. So we went out in the moonlight on the bike. Just what I needed. Though I was afraid a deer would hop on for a lift too; we saw them on the side of the road. Yikes. But we rode out to Lake Sangchris. The moon was full and shining on the water. You really experience everything on the bike, the smells of honeysuckle and the flash of a million lightning bugs in the fields. Now they also hit you but you do get over that part. Randy takes the majority of the blows for me. Hee hee. I was a little bit cold but not bad. I had a big strong guy to hug. That helped.

Then we got home and took Luke's truck out for a spin. It was late. Late late. After 10:30 Late. :) I can stay up really late now that I run and don't eat gluten. Gluten puts me in a coma. It was so fun and helped me blow off steam.

Hey, different subject, keep us in your prayers tomorrow. Randy's mom has her second surgery. This one is on her back. I hope she does as well as she did for the neck surgery. I hate to see her go through this again, but she is in good hands. This is the way to get her feeling good again.
Hopefully soon all of this will be behind us and my sweetie and I can ride the open road with less stress and worry.

Uh-oh, the boy will be 16 and driving...scratch the stress and worry part, maybe just more time out on the open road....

Luke's New Truck

2009-06-05T14:42:00.000-05:00

Luke has a new truck. This is surreal. When did he grow up? This is his 2004 GMC SLT.

Am I a runner yet?

2009-06-03T05:47:00.001-05:00

Hi. Ran last night, fast, fast, fast. 30 minutes hard, covered with sweat. It was easy. I could have gone longer but it was late. I have never done anything like that. Running to me was something I did when confronted by a bee. Now, I run for Alicia and I run for me. I like seeing how this is changing my body. I like feeling strong.

None of this would have happened without Linda Crews. Linda fixed ol' Chen. She gave me the best PT services I have ever had. Last year, the dizziness and falling apart...it had a great purpose because Linda patched me up. I was Humpty Dumpty and she picked up the pieces. She got me out of my "Chen has one foot in the grave" attitude.

I am now lifting weights, running and dancing and breaking Thigh Masters. I am not worthy of the label "runner" yet, but I am getting there. I ran daily at first and now I am letting myself have a rest day and doing the weights or Core Rhythms dance (hilarious by the way). Now I am alternating it by doing a hard run followed by a longer run or interval running. When can I call myself a runner without laughing? Do my toenails have to fall off? I have run through my first big blister on my foot. That has to count for something, right?

Sometimes I don't want to do it, but I keep jumping on that treadmill anyway. May take my act outdoors soon. That girl is a runnin' fool!

Hour Long Work Out Today!

2009-05-30T11:18:00.000-05:00

Hey, ran and power walked 45 minutes and lifted weights for 20, just over an hour today! I have added Core Rhythms (think Belly Dancing/Latin Dance) to the regimen. And I must tell you, it is hysterical. I have huge mirrors downstairs. I swear, I need to sell tickets....I could make a fortune. But what is pride and dignity in the face of physical fitness!
Go Chen Go!

Oh Happy Day, Happy Day

2009-05-30T08:01:00.000-05:00

Alicia does NOT have ALS. Her MRI is normal. She is not Abby Somebody, Abby Normal! God is so good. Now this also does not mean that there is not something going on, it means we don't know what it is yet or if they will ever figure it out. She just needs to get better. So, thank you, thank you, thank you to all who said her name in prayer. Please just keep saying it so she can recover. That really is all it takes, just lift someone's name to God's ear. He knows what they need, he knows all of the rest of it.

Last night Randy and I rode the bike at sundown. (James, I was not afraid... well just a little bit when a semi flew by us). The sunset was beautiful and there were some storm clouds building on both sides of us. Those clouds and the light on them...beautiful! It reminded me of Alicia's story. The sun outlined the big storm clouds, clouds formed, but the sun kept breaking through. Storms come, the Light remains.

It is a happy happy day.

Fear Not for I am With Thee...

2009-05-29T03:23:00.000-05:00

Isaiah 41:10 "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness."

I think I am full of emotions after going through yesterday with Alicia at the hospital. We knew relief, yet here I am this morning, instead filled with fear. Oh how I try not to be afraid. I hate scary movies and violent images. I fear spiders, the dark, the boogey man and violent weather. I fear illness, loss of love and friendship and being left alone. When I am afraid, my heart beats too fast in my chest, I have bad dreams like the one that woke me tonight and I am so scared. I am well acquainted with fear; it follows me around. I try to go back to sleep but my thoughts race and my fear grows. So I will see two 3 o'clocks today, as Laura says, that is not a good thing...

Reading God's word helps, music helps, hugs help, my big loving dog helps, as does turning all on the lights to push the darkness away...but only for a while. I long for peace. I am trying to turn a corner in my life where I am not trembling about something inside. I am trying to find that place where I may have concern but it doesn't grow into anxiety.

Do I need a pill? Maybe, but instead I want to learn from this and grow inside.

Is it a lack of faith in me? Yes and no. I believe with all that I am that He is. What I lack is awareness of Him in whom I have believed. If I truly understood who God is, what He is capable of, how big He is...then what would I fear? I think I have been so afraid for Alicia that this has all come to the forefront in my mind. I saw yesterday how afraid she was and she walked into one of those moments that could have been the lion's den of her life. I watched her walk into the hospital, unsteady, but she kept walking through those doors, to what has seemed like the endless wait to hear what she had to fight. She seemed so tiny yesterday and I am so used to her being such a wave of energy. She was still strong, but differently. How she didn't turn and run, I don't know. I watched Anthony too, sit there and try to focus on something to keep fear at bay. They are both so brave. It was so scary. I could do nothing for them but sit there too. God came to the rescue though, the thing we feared the most did not happen. She still has to find out what is going on, but the "big one" is off the table. Relief came as the waves of fear fell off of us in that room.

Did we doubt You, Abba? I don't know, that is just it, I don't know how to not be afraid. I want to find out, because it takes a heavy toll. Those days we have been afraid, did we miss others in need around us? Did we waste precious time? Did we lose our joy or were we more aware of the gifts that this life brings? Maybe we messed up, but we sure kept our eyes and hearts turned to You. What I want is to become someone who always keeps my eyes on You. I want to share the joy of life with You. I don't want You to be the lifeguard for me, that I value when the current is too strong. I want to feel You more on the good days, in the joyous moments and fill myself up with You to the point that fear does not have room to steal my joy away. I try to think of You in each sunrise, thank You for all that nature does to declare Your name and be so aware of the abundant blessings You give me every day.

It is hard to put this down. My heart was obliterated twice, at times in my life that should have been my happiest moments and those experiences, plus my crushing lack of self esteem and doubt, left such a mark on me, that I have lived my life fearing abandonment. I love the warm weather, but I have a deep fear of tornadoes and everything around me being out of control. I fear intruders, my dad was a policeman and he was always on watch. A "bad man" tried to get me in a car with him when I was a little girl. It left a big impact on me to try to be safe. To lock up and protect my home and family. To always be on watch...constant vigilance, as Mad Eye Moody would say. But sometimes there are no locks big or strong enough.

Alicia's fear, my fear for her yesterday, couldn't be locked out, we couldn't huddle in the basement for the storm to pass. She had to fear something inside of herself. That fear also follows me. I see so many people who are sick or broken at the hospital. I walk by those stretchers with people suffering and waiting for tests and I wonder what old age holds for me. I say prayers for them as I pass, I pray every time I hear a siren and see EMS in action. But I long for peace and a place where fear cannot follow anymore.

That place waits for me. Blessed Assurance.

As for now, I am trying to be brave. I am trying to learn where I can put these emotions, or maybe I should say, trying to be more aware that I know Who I can give them over to. I am ready to break through that chain that binds me. I am ready to rest in the shadow of Your hand, Abba. Save me from my fears. Let me imagine Your hands around me, around my home when the winds blow. You beside me on the airplanes that frighten me. You protecting me from the unknown. Not that I won't know trouble, but I won't know trouble alone. When trouble comes, instead of fear I will feel Your arms around my shoulders and I will rest in the knowledge that even if I don't know what the next moment brings, You do. You will be my guide. You will be my constant and I will fear not, because You are with me, in me and that nothing will distract you or separate us from each other.

You offer a love that we can believe in. No one will mean more to You or come first. You are enough for all of us to be first in Your heart. Each of us receives from You the gift of a perfect love. You see us Abba through Your beloved Son, so my flaws don't matter. Because of the cross, You see me as if You were looking at Him. We are all covered in Your sacrificial love. No one will replace me in Your heart. I don't have to fear You forgetting to watch over me. I will never be in a hospital room alone. I won't lose your love. I can't fail you because it is not about me. It is all about Who You are and You are more than enough.

Fear can finally be put away.

Like a weed it will try to come back, but maybe as I grow in wisdom and age, I can live this part of my life differently. I will ride the motorcycle with Randy and not be afraid. When storm clouds gather, I can know that You control it all. I will live life bigger, do more with the energy I have without so much fear. When trouble comes I can tell myself, "My Lord knows all about this" and that can finally be enough.

These passages helped me tonight (today) and I hope they do the same for you.

Psalm 4:8 "I will lie down and sleep in peace for You alone, O' Lord, make me dwell in safety...."

Matthew 28-30: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Isaiah 40 : 27 - 31
27 O Jacob, how can you say the Lord does not see your troubles? O Israel, how can you say God ignores your rights? 28 Have you never heard? Have you never understood The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding.

29 He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. 30 Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. 31 But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

Alicia: An Update and Praise!

2009-05-28T17:25:00.000-05:00

Oh Happy Day, Happy Day!
Alicia, Anthony and I went to Memorial today. Now, my little friend has something going on. She looks like a good puff of wind could blow her over. She is weak and unsteady. She had her EMG first and the doctor gave her really good news, it is not ALS. I did not have to pulverize him to get him to talk either. We will find out what it is, but for now, one big, bad (THE biggest and baddest) scary thing is off the table. We were so relieved. Big hugs all around. The doctor said he was worried too and glad to rule that out.
So off we went to MRI land. Poor Lish, she was in there for two hours. Good news, results may be back later today or tomorrow. So maybe we will have some ideas and direction to help her get better.
Thank you everyone for praying for her. I so appreciate the RCC prayer vine and all the people who don't even know Lish (you are missing out for sure!) asking God to protect her. Please keep those prayers coming for the physicians to find out what is wrong and for healing.

Why? My Prayer to God...Alicia's Psalm

2009-05-24T06:36:00.000-05:00

Why, Father? Why?
Why Abba?

"Why?"

That is a word that has been lifted to heaven so many times over the course of man's walk on this earth. "Why?"...we form this word when we are crushed by unthinkable loss, when we feel the ground beneath us crumbling, when we lose all we have known, when someone we love becomes an enemy, breaks our hearts or faces illness. We say it when we face illness and do not understand the road ahead or know why we are walking that road...

I woke up today asking God "Why?"

I was sitting with Randy at dinner last night and checked my phone for updates. I went to FB and Alicia wrote that she is looking for a cane. That her muscles are betraying her and right now Thursday seems very far away. Thursday, a day we anticipate and fear and if her neurologist doesn't give her answers I am going to beat him to a pulp. When I read that post, I felt like someone stabbed me in the heart... tears started to fall into my Culver's hamburger basket. Then I took a deep breath and wrote back and joked with her about a Segway and wielding her cane like a weapon. But there were tears beneath it all. I try to keep her laughing, maybe that is something I can do for her, I have this wacky sense of humor, this gift of writing. I asked her what she needed from me...and laughter is what she asked for. Laughing in the face of the unknown, the terrifying...she may feel alone but she is not, my trembling hand is in hers. I will be there too. Permanent fixture. Fraker and Hart...

But I still want to know why.

So my questions today are directed to You, Lord. Oh, I love You, You know I do. I respect You, in reverence and I am so amazed by who You are. I believe in happy endings. I know You love Alicia and that Your tears fall with ours. I know You carry her. My heart is so full of You and love for You is so deep that sometimes it feels like my heart will burst inside me. I trust You, it is not that. I know that You do not waste a hurt, that no tear falls without a purpose and that You catch our tears and keep them in a bottle. When I gave my life to You, I gave all of it. When Luke was born, I gave him back to You. I knew that You could do anything you chose with me, with my life. You could use me for any purpose, to teach, to soothe others...that I would serve You even if You allowed me to be crushed to dust and broken..."though He would slay me, I will serve Him"...I knew my Job moments would come and that in the fire, You would stand beside me. I know that life is hard and full of grief and that there are seasons that we all experience.
It isn't that.

I look at her and I know that I haven't had too many of those moments. I have been so blessed and I am so thankful for my life. I am so thankful, but then I fear the "big one"...the moment You pull the rug out from under me. Is that how it works? I don't know...it all confuses me sometimes, You don't seem like the rug puller of life. I have thanked You all of my life for so many things. I have never spent a day without You in my heart and thoughts. Without talking with You. You are my dearest friend. You are my constant...You are never far from me. I know that Grandma passed that on to me and taught me about that kind of love. But in my blessing, does that make me some kind of fraud, proclaiming a faith that has not been tested yet?

I readily admit that I fear being crushed by You, I fear being tested just asking these questions and then I am mad at myself even more for my own cowardice. I want to ask to take this for her, but I am afraid. I am small and weak and selfish. I know things will come for me in my life, dark skies will be on the horizon and I will find myself clinging to hope with both hands. I admit I desperately fear those days of Job.

But I don't think you are mad at me for asking these questions that have been raised throughout humanity, I think you are a God who lets us question, lets us ponder and probe...You are all about free will and choice of love, You gave us these minds that search for answers. I know sin entered this world and messed it all up. I know all the tragedy of life is wrapped up in a brokenness of mankind. I know cars crash, waves of water come, storms gather, cells grow out of control and hearts and minds fail...I just don't understand it all and I know I won't while I draw breath here.

So Abba, my Why's are for her today. I want to know why Alicia's strength is falling from her and I want to fix this. I am a therapist. I fix things. I make things all better. I want to have her restored. I want the miracle. I want to travel to Oz and find the great and powerful One. I want You to fix this. I want to find the words to convince You to make it so. I want to be the Centurion for her, the one who asked Jesus for healing of his loved one. Just say the words and it will be so...I want to be the woman who touched his robe and knew she would be healed, I want the faith of the mustard seed to move the mountain. I want to have something inside myself that touches Your heart so when I ask for You to act, You will heal her. I want an easy answer, take this pill and she will be 100% again. I don't know what is fair and how you deal out healing. Who gets the winning lotto ticket and who doesn't. But I still want it for my friend. Please...please...breathe the light of your healing power into her, into core of that complex neurological miracle that you created...please make it right again.

See, you are the only One who can.

Life is not fair. I know that. She has known suffering already in her life. She has known horrible loss. She has watched her beloved father die of cancer. She has walked the road of a child with a diagnosis of autism. You gave her the gift of that wonderful, beautiful child. She is both blessed by autism and challenged by it and out of that experience, she helped countless others. She has helped me create programs to help so many parents. She lives her life as a servant. She is the sun her family orbits. She makes all of us more than we were before we knew her. How many of her tears do you need? Hasn't she reached capacity yet? Can't this cup pass from her?

I write this hoping it will help convince You. I write it humbly, respectfully, emotionally and without anger. With a frustrated and resounding why and a need to search for purpose behind it all. You love me, I know you do, and my tears are falling. You are collecting them, too, isn't that right?

If the lesson to learn is mine, help me learn it. I will learn it. If my words reach and change others hearts, let change come. I feel compelled to write, to declare, to ask publicly..."whenever two or more are gathered in Your name"....I ask for prayers to be lifted from cyberspace....

For now, I will continue to pray to You for her, not in lengthy ways, like this written prayer, this plea. I will simply say her name to You. I know that You know all the rest...so I and hopefully others will say her name "Alicia" or "Miss Lisha."

Please just say her name so we can make my friend well again.

YES YES YES YES!!!! Kris Wins!

2009-05-20T22:12:00.000-05:00

Oh boy am I happy. My Kris won it all (as predicted on this blog). Now don't get me wrong people, I am not one of those people who loves one contestant and hates another, I have enough love to go around. So let me say this, Adam is a great talent and he really seems to be a great guy too. So, Adam, congratulations, you have an amazing career ahead without the constraints of an Idol contract...a good thing for you.

But my boy Kris won for many reasons. First of all, he was consistently good every single week. He very rarely received the praise he deserved, but the listening audience can hear and Kris can sing. Second, his iTunes sales were also huge and that was an early predictor for me. I found myself downloading him week by week and that is a major factor in picking a winner. I found myself downloading David Cook last year, not Archuleta. Therefore, I picked DC and once again, I was right...hee hee. Now, note that I liked and appreciated Adam's uniqueness, but I did not download him. I have my hand on the pulse of the Idol fan and I think I am a good representation of what the Idol Crazed like.

Another factor, the judges really pushed the fairness envelope this year and came just short of wearing Adam Lambert t-shirts each night. Not fair. They let Adam slide on things and unfairly nailed other performers who did better than Mr. Lambert. We get sick of this and it makes the unassuming, humble, talented, sweet as can be Kris very, very appealing. Kris also won because he is nice. He is Kris and he has not changed. He took his lumps like a man and he always seemed to be good natured and good hearted. It makes me crazy when Simon criticizes him when he has to sing a song someone else picked for him. It works though, we rally to protect our dear Kris and we vote like crazy. We love him. This season had record votes people, RECORD votes. This was no fluke. Kris won because we wanted him too. We love him and I will tell you that I voted 15 times for Kris last night. I have never voted more than twice for any Idol since the beginning with Kelly. That means something too.

So congratulations Kris...even after you won you were very humble. We love your dad. We loved it when you hugged your equally cute as a button wife at the end. You are our Idol. Enjoy it. You earned it all by yourself with not a speck of help from the judges (I guess except for Randy who once in a while gave you the credit you deserve!)
Now what am I going to do with myself on Tuesday and Wednesday night...

Traveling the World and Sleepless in Springfield

2009-05-18T00:10:00.000-05:00

Hi. Just got home today at 2am from Spokane, Washington, so I am trying to adjust back to Central Time. I crashed tonight after going for a run, cooking, doing laundry, going for a bike ride with Randy. I ended up taking a two hour nap...so here I am wide awake at midnight. I DO have to work tomorrow too! Yikes!
We had a great time in Spokane, except I learned what the word "turbulence" really means. Holy Moly! Our planes took off between tornadoes in St Louis and we were very lucky leaving and coming back home in regard to weather. However, there was a system moving in to Spokane that resulted in a lot of wind. The best way to describe it is that our plane moved around like that little feather in the beginning of the Forrest Gump movie. Scary. At one time, the entire plane did a series of dips and everyone gasped. Winds were so high, plane just kept moving side to side and up and down....when it was over, I ran out to the jetway, kissed the ground and cried out, "Land!!!"
Everyone was great in Spokane and we had a great audience, beautiful place to speak and a lot of fun with our girl, Lisa. I love teaching courses...just the travel takes a toll. Especially when sitting next to people who chomp their gum, drop things on your head from the overhead storage, get ahead of you when de-planing (big no-no) and walk too slowly up the jetway. The press of humanity also gets to be too much sometimes.
Despite all of that we laughed a lot this weekend, we had a really good time and did some shopping. Kris Allen made it to the finals of Idol so I was happy. We tried to watch Grey's Anatomy season finale but could not stay awake for it on Pacific time. We had really good meals and enjoyed the downtown area.
We are so blessed to be able to do this and have such a good time. We found out that a good number of people think Lala and I are either A) sisters or B) that we are "together"....uh, nope, Mrs. Chuck Walbert and Mrs. Cheri Fraker, are "together, but apart"! Business partners, not partners! Hee hee.
Oh yeah, I also learned that our little Laura has absolutely NO sense of geography. None. Nada. Zippo. I cannot stress the lack of geographical info here....When I realized where she thought we were and I then informed her where in the world we really were AND how far from home, she freaked out the rest of the ride home on the big bouncy aeroplane. I am going to work on "Geography 101" with her, play games like "Name that Ocean" and "Match the State to the Time Zone" and other fun quizzes to help her get a sense of the world around her. I also have huge gaps of information about anything math related, but her geo-disorder is freaking hilarious. But for now our now our big travel is over for the summer. We only have one more 1 day course in June, but we are ok because that one is in Peoria and Laura knows where that is!
I am going to try to go to sleep now! Night night. Nope...Good Morning Everyone!

American Idol...Did I call it or what?

2009-05-14T22:42:00.000-05:00

Please note in previous posts on this little blog I called the final two: Adam and Kris. I am so excited. I am a huge Kris fan, now don't get me wrong, Adam is amazing too, but Kris has been basically invisible to the Idol judges. He has had some great performances and he needed a lot more attention. However, we Idol fans know talent when we see it and Kris really is an artist and he did all of this himself, no help from anyone but the fans.
I do have a complaint about this year (besides Kara as a judge...ewww..get rid of her!) It seemed like the judges were too biased and trying to promote the people they wanted in the finale instead of giving fair and equal critique and attention to the contestants. I agree with Matt saying sometimes he felt invisible and I do agree with Megan, they should not talk while the Idols are singing, they are the judges for Heaven's sake.
But anyway, I am happy. I think it will be an amazing and very, very interesting finale. A lot of Danny fans may go Kris's way....regardless it was a great, great season!
I love Idol! Cheri Out!

A Prayer for My Best Friend

2009-05-12T22:56:00.000-05:00

Hi, I cannot sleep. One of my dearest friends is having health problems and I am wiping tears away tonight asking God to help her be well again. She is a very, very special friend to me. She makes me more than I am. We connected from the moment we met. Have you ever met someone that fit who you are so well? It was just like Forest Gump would say, "from then on, we were just like peas and carrots."

She is simply the most amazing person I know. Brilliant, strong, creative, funny with boundless energy. She spends her life helping others, helping children and their families. She is mother to three children and husband to a wonderful man. She is my hero.

I imagine that she is spending a sleepless night tonight worrying and if she can't sleep, well, I can't sleep either. So, I sit here watching the lightning flash across the sky and I call my friend's name and ask my Father to make her well again.

He can do it. There is nothing that He cannot do. How do I convince Him? What words can I form to express how much we all need her to be healthy again? I tell myself He has allowed this to come into her life and that I cannot see His plan. I try to wait for Him, but then I tell myself, He is Abba, Daddy, Father. When we are hurting it is our nature to come to a parent for help and comfort and to ask for the pain to be taken away.

So, I ask. I ask for her. I ask for this to pass from her. I ask for her to return to her multi-tasking, juggling of all the world's problems self and that her strength return. I ask that this storm end and that the doctors find out what is wrong and fix it. I ask for a happy ending, because she is more than worthy of one. So I ask that you who read this pray for her too. Ask for my dear friend, one of my best ones, to be healed.

There is power in prayer. I know this. I have seen it work. I have seen God work out the challenges this week that one of my other dear friends and her husband were facing and I am so thankful. It may be greedy but I ask again for healing and restoration again, this time for my girl.

Days of Darkness, Days of Rain....

2009-05-11T05:52:00.001-05:00

Hi. I am sitting here feeling grumpy and feeling not motivated to start this week because this week will not end until Thursday next week for me. I am on the road again for a very, very long flight to Phoenix to end up in Spokane, does this make sense to anyone? Why can't planes fly in straight lines? Or why can't we have flying cars like the Jetson's and I get there in no time? Waaa....

Well, that is just a minor problem, right? Why is it that I gripe about little things like this? Some days we have annoyances in life and other days we find ourselves facing a huge mountains to climb to get back to the life of status quo. The life of the known. Sometimes that is the scariest part; wondering what happened to the life that you know. The life in front of you that makes no sense to you is terrifying. Some of my dearest friends are facing some major life hurdles right now, devastating loss of a loved one, health challenges and the uncertainty of waiting for a diagnosis. I pray for my friends and I lift their names up to my Father to hold them in His arms.

The amazing thing is, He is holding them. He is with them, He knows all about the challenges they face, He wipes their tears and whispers His love to them. He sees how all will turn out and He walks the dark path with you. Life is hard. Life is scary and sometimes it feels as if the ground opened up under you and you are in free fall, but you are not. Loss is part of life here, but our Jesus overcame death. So there is more to this life than today. It is a long goodbye. It marks us and time is the way we come to terms with it, but we are never right again. There will come a day though, when that loss will end. There is purpose in falling down. There is a strategy to pruning and burning, growth comes out of these days of darkness. These are the days that refine us. These are the days that challenge us to rise up and find our courage, get our breath back and move. We become someone new, someone who can help others when they fall in the same way we did. Sometimes in the darkness, we move second by second, sometimes minute by minute and in an instant we can be knocked down again, but we get up again. We tap into a Strength that makes us rise.

If your heart is weary my friends, rest in Him. Lean back into His everlasting arms. Call His name and He will slip His hand into yours. He will light your way.

Kris Allen is right where he deserves to be...Top Three

2009-05-07T08:10:00.000-05:00

Danny Gokey cannot hold a candle to Kris. I challenge everyone to just go through Kris's songs on iTunes, Falling Slowly is amazing.... There is a reason that he is #2 in sales of all the Idols on iTunes. He is so talented, he can play a wide range of instruments and his arrangements have been creative and original and they all reflect who he is as a person. He also comes across as a really great person too. Come Together by the way, is amazing on iTunes and he did a great job live too. The judges just don't get it, we Idol fans do and just watch us bring our boy to the top 2. I think he can take it all. Time will show, his albums will sell and Kris Allen will soon be a very, very big name in music. Danny's song sent dogs running for cover. So everyone needs to open their eyes and ears and give this wonderful artist his due. Go Kris, Go!

Life Lessons: Humility

2009-05-05T21:01:00.000-05:00

When you're twenty, you worry about what everyone thinks of you,
When you're thirty, you don't care what anyone thinks of you,
When you're forty, you realize no one was thinking of you anyway.

San Diego

2009-05-04T21:34:00.001-05:00

Hi
Returned from my trip to San Diego with mom. We left on Wednesday morning. The nice people at American fixed our seats so we were seated together. We had a great flight. Had a bit of trouble with the hotel and called the even nicer people at Expedia who allowed me to move to Harbor Bay at the Hilton. It was beautiful. We spent the first day walking by the water and enjoying the beautiful scenery. We had a late lunch and just settled in and rested up from our traveling. The next day we walked again along the waterfront and picked up the trolley to tour the city. Great mexican food and it was so much fun seeing everything. The bridge to Coronado completely freaked me out. It has a very short guard wall and on the trolley I was terrified. It was neat seeing where the Navy Seals train and the ships. I loved seeing the sites, like Balboa Park, Old Town and going to the zoo. We sat by the pool and rested after our very long six mile hike along the waterfront. We saw the ship they filmed Master and Commander on and the Midway too. I really liked sitting outside the second night, it was really warm and the lights of the city and boats in the harbor were beautiful. It was such a nice trip.

Kris Allen needs to win Idol

2009-04-22T22:21:00.001-05:00

Kris really is amazing and I want him to win. Adam is good, but Kris is better. He is quietly brilliant. Falling Slowly was amazing and the studio version is so good. Download it....it is so, so good. My top 5 prediction was right again, by the way.

So if you love Kris like I do, text three times for him each show. Let's put him into the finals!!!!!!

Saving Matt: American Idol and I love Kris Allen

2009-04-16T08:06:00.000-05:00

Well, they finally used "The Save" on Idol. I am glad it went to my boy Matt because I do like him and I felt that they weren't just throwing it away. (I do think Lil should have gone home anyway). Now two will go anyway next week, so we will soon see the wisdom of that move. It was time, now they are getting to the level where everyone is equally gifted and eliminations will be the only way to see who is the audience favorite and it will be hard to predict. Matt is a good guy, a very, very talented pianist and it was great to see how happy the rest of the Idols were to have him stay. I think he needs to calm down and stop overthinking his song choices. He is trying too hard. This also seems like a very nice, very close group. I am going to go see them in concert. I have gone to several of the concerts and I haven't seen this kind of closeness in a group since Fantasia's season.

Now all that being said, I do have a few complaints. One, the two judges deal was stupid. I tune in to hear what SIMON has to say and they can also cut in other areas like the stupid group numbers in the beginning. They don't need Kara, she needs to go bye bye.

My other issue is that Kris Allen is not getting NEARLY enough props for his performances. He is quietly moving up there and I tell you, he is going to be a contender. Randy was nuts, he was brilliant, yeah Simon for saying so too. He is the only Idol that I have downloaded most of his performances. He has the whole package too. Great artist and I suspect he has a very, very strong and growing fan base. Wait and see, he has potential to rise up to the top three. He is much better than Danny. Kris needs to knock it out of the park next week. Anoop and Lil will go next. Everytime I see Anoop, I think of Ray Romano....it makes me giggle, but he has a great voice. Simon is right, the Lil we first saw has disappeared. I never want anyone to talk back to the judges either. That is just not right. Allison is great, she has a career regardless, but I don't think she has as many fans. Adam dances between brillance and campiness....he is good, but I don't know if he will truly win it all. Danny is good, but one trick...I see the same thing over and over.

So there you go. That is my list of Idol thoughts for the day.

Happy Easter Everyone..From a Thankful Heart

2009-04-12T08:10:00.000-05:00

This day, this wonderful day...beautiful, beautiful Easter....I hope you all are enjoying it with your families, smiling at little ones looking for Easter eggs, eating too much candy and having big meals together. Easter makes me think of my Grandma and Grandpa so much. It is such a welcoming family time. I love that moment when my family pulls up in the drive and I open the door and welcome them home.

I also hope for you that you have a moment today to take time to remember what happened, what this day is all about, what makes Easter so very, very special.

This is the day that The Way was completed. This was the day that Jesus became the bridge for us to come into the presence of God. Freely, openly we can walk it and we can leave all the junk that we are at one side of that bridge and go across it without any marks, wounds or the damage that sin leaves on our hearts. That we leave unhappiness, loneliness, feelings of being unfulfilled and endless searching for meaning...because of Jesus we can run across the bridge, run like we ran as children, with arms open and straight into the arms of God.

That bridge came at a price though, a terrible price. But Jesus said we were worth it. Doesn't that make you feel so many things. Awed, amazed, thankful beyond words and so humbled...He sacrificed Himself for us. Who dies for you? Who says, "no take me instead"...who loves like that?

Because of His sacrifice, I have a home. A permanent home, a place that beckons to me in my heart. A place I try to imagine in my mind. I sense that home, sometimes I feel the echoes of it. It draws me away from the troubles of this world. Just knowing that it waits for me and someday Jesus will be there and tell me that it is time to go, He even took away my fear of death. That is what Blessed Assurance is all about. My grandma used to sing that song.

She sang of Home.

Of welcoming love and being able to set myself free forever from the snares that bind me.
Free from the failures and weakness in this body of death, this jar of clay that limits me...but only for the time being. Jesus whispers in my ear and tells me that there is so much more than this life that we live.

I see what lies ahead when I look up at night into the stars, when I see His rainbow in the sky, when I stand at the edge of the ocean, when I raise my eyes to the mountaintops, when I hold a new baby and every Easter my heart sings that God would love me, love you, enough to rip His Heart away from Him to make The Way possible for all of His children to come home to Him.

A blessed Easter to you all...

My Idol Predictions....

2009-03-29T13:43:00.000-05:00

I think I have been a bit late this year in posting my predictions for American Idol top 3. Last year, I was right on the money with my prediction of David vs David with Cookie winning it all. This year is a bit tricky. This is how I see it...top 5 will be Adam, Allison, Kris, Danny and Matt (or possibly Lil but she has to improve). I am torn between Danny and Matt, Matt being the better singer. I think Adam may take it all. He is unique, the judges would save him and he is like no other Idol winner.

Adam is amazing and what he did with Motown week was really memorable and special, we will have to see what he does and he will need to make sure he keeps that diversity in his performances. He is not everyone's cup of tea and not the typical Idol artist, both a plus and minus for our black nail polish boy Adam. I was throwing my television out the window during Ring of Fire, but I loved his other performances and when he is on, he is really, really on.

Allison did the best last week in my opinion. She kicked Papa Was a Rollin' Stone into a new stratosphere. The entire song was perfect and the last note of the song was incredible. The Paula and Simon Crayon show kind of downplayed her amazing performance. She is going to be someone who will have a career in music. Her voice is unique and extremely powerful.

Danny has a lot of fans, I am one of them, but Danny is going to have to reach and really shine in the next few weeks or he will go bye bye sooner than he should. He has been a one trick pony and none of his performances jump out at me. He should also LISTEN to the advice given from someone say, like, Smokey Robinson.

Matt Girard outsang Danny and many of the other contestants and he should NOT have been in the bottom three last week. I think he suffered from the #1 singer curse, at least I hope so, because he is great.

Kris...I love Kris, he is cute and sweet. I think he will be in the top 5, hopefully the top 2! He has a great voice and I suspect he has huge numbers of fans. I am one of them and he is the only Idol that I downloaded (two songs to my iPod) though I plan to download Allison and Adam's video performances.

Lil...it depends. We have already had the wonderful Fantasia as a winner and she needs to bring it next week. She also needs to enunciate clearly when singing. Sometimes she is a bit sloppy.

Scott needs to be all done. He is a sweetheart but not a top contender.

Megan needs to never sing again in my opinion....but she would be a pretty model.

Jeez, who did I forget? Oh yes, the Anoop Dog. I think Anoop can sing well, but he doesn't stand out. He doesn't have a stage presence and he cannot dance, he can move but it looks funny. Case in point, I couldn't remember our Baker's Dozen Idol. He is my mom's favorite though. He may have a lot of fans in the Ballad Land. I think he will go in the next few weeks.
There you go, my Idol thoughts.

Rob Bell...Nooma...Questions

2009-03-29T13:09:00.000-05:00

Hi.
I really liked the Rob Bell Nooma videos the first time I saw them. As I am a Christian and I belong to Jesus, what I saw at first was something that made me think and inspired me to feel my Lord even closer every day. There is a lot of controversy about these videos that are being presented in youth groups all over the country. Now, I haven't watched all of them, but I am going to explore more of what he has to say and see how I feel about what he is saying under what he is saying. The controversy is about the videos and the perception of the messages behind them matching scripture. In a nutshell, there is a feeling that he soft pedals the Cross.

Now, I don't understand why people want God, but shun the Cross. I have been a Christian most of my life, so I am trying to see this all from the perspective of those who don't call Christ their savior. To me, the Cross is the most beautiful love story ever told. If you ever doubt that you are loved, the Cross tells you without a doubt that you are and therefore I don't understand why the Cross and what happened there are not the heart of each of these videos. Maybe that was not his intention, maybe he just wants people to think. I really loved what he had to say in the video "Breathe"and I plan to look into this more and also listen to what Rob Bell has to say about Nooma myself. Just thought I would share some of what I have read, I like the way this article presents itself.

This is what Greg Gilbert wrote about the videos, here is a section of his writings...

THE CROSS? THE RESURRECTION?
In the videos I watched, there’s almost no exposition of the cross. I only remember it being mentioned twice, once to say that Caesar killed Jesus and once when Bell says, "The cross is like God saying, ‘I don’t hold your past against you.’" Well, kind of. But that hardly exhausts the meaning of the cross, does it? At the very least, he ought to have continued that sentence by saying something like, "I don’t hold your past against you, because I held it against my Son." But then I suppose that sort of uncomfortable thought would have destroyed the smoothness of the presentation.

Even the resurrection—which usually plays an enormous role in Emergent theology—doesn’t get much emphasis here. NOOMA is all about "Jesus’ teachings," but only a select few of those. You won’t hear Bell talking about the teachings of Jesus that focus on ransom, blood, new covenants, and rebirth—much less judgment, sheep and goats, and "Depart from me." For Bell, Jesus’ teachings are apparently limited to his ethics, and Bell’s gospel is evidently limited to a call for people to embrace those ethics and "live like Jesus."

I have a theory about why Emergent church types seem to be able to communicate so well with "our generation," why they’re able to relate so well to people who have always been hostile to the gospel. You can chalk it up to some kind of "authentic" style if you want, but I’d contend that a big part of their ability to communicate the gospel without offense to people who have always been offended by it is that they leave out all the offensive parts!

HEY ROB, TRY THIS

There’s no denying that Rob Bell is a tremendous natural speaker and communicator. He’s good at telling stories, using his face to emphasize a point and his eyes to arrest your attention. But before we get too far with the infatuation, somebody should point out that it’s actually relatively easy to "connect" with the world when you’re talking about handling anger, or the true meaning of sex, or how closely God holds you to his chest when you’re facing a storm in life, or how disgusted God must be with that guy preaching the sermon about hell.

The harder thing—and the thing that would really test Bell’s mettle as a communicator—would be to make a NOOMA video about substitutionary atonement, for example. Not one that re-thinks it and re-casts it for a generation that doesn’t like that kind of thing, but one that addresses "He was crushed for our iniquities" with the same unflinching "honesty" and "authenticity" as it addresses "Love one another." Would that installment of NOOMA be received with the same enthusiasm the others have enjoyed? What if he made one about the final judgment, and the fact that "No one comes to the Father but by me?" How well would that be received among the audience Bell has built?

I don’t think every ten-minute video needs to contain a crash course in systematic or biblical theology. Christian life and doctrine is a vast and rich universe of truth, and if Rob Bell wants to do ten minutes on sex, ten on anger, ten on this or that, that’s obviously fine. It’s always easy to say by way of critique, "That ten minutes should have said more than it did." So that’s not where I see a problem with NOOMA.

The problem is that in the videos which aim to present the Christian gospel, the gospel presented is woefully incomplete if not outright wrong in places (which we’ll discuss at more length in the second part of this series). Yes, there’s sin and even grace in NOOMA; God loves us as we are, with all our junk, as Bell puts it. But beyond that there’s little to no cross or resurrection, no atonement, no substitution. Once we’re told that God accepts us as we are, all that follows is a call to live as Jesus lived in order to make the world a better place—which if it weren’t so hip would just be called "moralism," or even "Pelagianism."

WHAT’S MISSING; WHAT’S NEEDED

I have said in several places on this site that there is much about the Emergent theological storyline that I find compelling. Who wouldn’t be excited by the idea of God’s people—broken, sinful people accepted by him just as they are—living and working to diffuse God’s grace and love throughout the whole of society? So far as it goes, that’s a great and biblical vision, and there’s a reason it resonates with people. But, in my opinion, where the Emergent church and these videos go wrong is in telling the world that that . . . is . . . the gospel.

It’s not. Good as that storyline might be, it is finally too small and too colorless. For God to lovingly accept us as we are no matter how ashamed we might be of ourselves is nice and all, but it’s a pretty pale gray compared to the Bible’s story of a just and loving God sending his Son to take the punishment of a rebellious people so they can live with and for him forever.

If you want to engage a "new generation" looking for authenticity, honest answers, and a willingness to look unflinchingly at human sin and suffering, that’s the gospel that will do it. Unfortunately, that’s also the gospel that these NOOMA videos, at least so far, seem unwilling to talk about.
http://sites.silaspartners.com/partner/0,,314526,00.html

I love My Saturday mornings...Time Does Heal Old Wounds

2009-03-28T08:11:00.000-05:00

Good morning...I am sitting here in my sunroom, drinking coffee, under a big blanket, Twittering, Blogging and Facebooking... listening to that cold wind blow outside. I am so, so happy that I am here and not say, on my way to work like in the past when I worked at the Place That Cannot Be Named.

Now, I did a lot of good work there, I helped a lot of people, I taught little ones to communicate and eat. I learned from the good people there (Cheryl and many of the nurses in the NICU, the PT's and OT's and many of the physicians and staff) and in doing so protected many children at risk for aspiration or choking while eating. This week I read that 38 jobs are being cut, mostly administrative, not patient care positions. I am truly sorry people are losing their jobs. I gave them 14 years. I had a mixed rush of complex emotions just thinking about my time there. I do find it interesting that almost all of the people who made my life an absolute horror are gone or are no longer in their past positions. I also learned that when you are not happy and entrenched in a setting that is not just or fair and so negative, that you can find the strength to guide your own path. I felt it the day when the last straw broke. I was done. It was over. This was the single most empowering moment of my life, Christmas Eve two years ago. I was set up and it was a calculated attempt to hurt me. I think the blinders fell off and I knew that it was deliberate. It was my Norma Rae moment....I was done. I was free. I will always remember and get a huge thrill out of walking down that long hall of the world's ugliest carpet to my freedom. I did make sure to make eye contact when 10 feet away from a passerby and say hello 5 feet away from said person. I laughed hysterically that they had actually told us that and demonstrated it at a meeting. Good Lord! I will always remember and relish the shocked look on my old boss's face when I slid my two sentence letter of resignation across her desk. It still feels good, I was a round peg trying to be forced into a square hole. It didn't fit me and I needed to find the strength and confidence to make a change.

I didn't let fear stop me. I did make my own path, I pursued my own change and now I love Memorial, I love every part of being employed there. I was Harry Potter at the Dursley's before and Memorial is my Hogwarts! I say hello to everyone and I kiss people as I walk by. I enter Koke Mill with a bounce in my step and thankfulness that I am treated as a professional. The spirit of that place is great. Is it perfect? No. Are they trying to be? Yes. They truly believe what they say and they want to make things better. Every meeting is so positive. Not at all what we were used to. I want to give them my very best. My other friends who used to work down the road and now work at Memorial agree. I know that I really want to build the best feeding team clinic in the world. That is literally the goal written in my Great Place to Work card. What a difference that makes! It has been the biggest blessing to my family and Randy says I am a new person. He is right, I am a new person.

With the article in the paper about St Elsewhere and the comments on blogs, etc, I didn't have the same rush of anger or bitterness this time. I gave it over to God time after time in the past, but I kept picking it back up again. I know deep down I still wanted my righteous anger. One day, I just lay flat on my face and asked Him to heal me. Forgive me for my unforgiving and hardened heart, forgive me for my mistakes and to help me just let it all go. God is still using that place to teach me and I know today that most of my wounds are healed.

As I sit here, I am so, so happy that Saturday is truly my day off, that part of my life is done and I can still reflect, learn and grow. I am happy that I am happy at work. The powers that be need to learn that success comes from taking care of the people working for you and encouraging excellence instead of squashing it. Until they learn that lesson, they will continue to struggle. For the good, hard working people that work there and for those who go there for health care I hope and pray that they do.

MoNO!!!!!!!!

2009-03-26T09:25:00.000-05:00

Luke has mono. Now it is important to note that the boy has been sick for over two weeks. His mother, that would be yours truly, has been proclaiming that someone else was wrong with him. My Mom Eyes see things in that boy that no one else does, going to sleep at 8pm, paler than normal, just not right, temp on and off, reduced appetite, etc. Randy of course, had his typical, "rub some dirt on it/it is just a cold" opinion of Luke's health status. Just because Randy is Superman and will keep going with walking pneumonia, flu, etc...the boy is a different matter.
So anyway, I called and shared my concerns and the good people in Dr Miner's office got us in right away. Michelle was gone so Kathy Lake saw Luke and diagnosed mono. The nurse told me when the labs came in that "he really has it" I guess his tests came back with abundant mono-ness. Grrrr-eeat......

So six weeks or so will be ahead of us trying to get him back to feeling good again. I had great sympathy for him too, until he informed me last night that he has been drinking out of our gallon milk jug for the last week. Then I wanted to get out the thumb-screws and tar and feathers. ;) That is my boy..... I love him though. He is claiming that mono has altered his mental state. Hee hee.

He must have had mono for years now.

Worship...I Need More

2009-03-08T09:49:00.000-05:00

I received a survey email yesterday about the church and our church and worship. I filled it out and it took about a half an hour to do so. Then our sermon this weekend dealt with hunger, hunger for God. We sang the songs and the team did a good job. The sermon had good points and made me think, and even though it had all the good intentions in the world, it left me, for lack of a better word...hungry.

What for, you ask? Well, I want to break the mold, I want to leave the routine...I want to sit in the presence of my Lord. I want to come to church and not know what will happen. I want to find a way to find Him. I want more.

Too often we are wrapped into the formula, into the routine of a worship service that fits us, that makes us comfortable, not too challenged, lasts for the right amount of time, never goes over and allows me to check off my list that I attended worship services this weekend.

I want more. I have had this itch inside and it is building in me. I am searching. For what, I don't know yet. I am just as guilty as everyone else for accepting routine and calling it good enough. I too am the complacent lamb following everyone else in the same manner week after week. Things will not change until we take off the blinders and do something real. That is what I hope this survey is about. Real change.

I know that I do not need the church to love, serve and worship my God. For example, today before I wrote this I was listening on iTunes to Michael W Smith sing Amazing Grace/My Chains are Gone and tears were flowing down my face. This morning, I am ready to burst with love for my Lord. I listened to Chris Sligh sing Empty Me, just him and his piano, heart open to God. Three+ minutes of pure adoring worship...God and myself, the music led me to Him. My hand lifted to Him. I found a place to connect to Him. Yet, I can count on one hand the number of times I have felt that connection inside the church. There in is the problem. I am the problem, the church is the problem. We are all to blame...we are comfortable and routine and in our comfort, we are missing the presence of Holy God. People want the service their way, I do too. But you know what? The service is not for us, it is for Him. It is all about Him.

I want the church in my life, but I want it to be what it is supposed to be. I want to find worship there. I want a breath of fresh air to blow through the church and push people out of the mold. I want the music to be perfect...and it will be....only when all who sing and play do so with God in their heart, that they enter into that moment with Him...give their best. I want the sound loud and full so I can hear the gifts of those who serve...I want communion to be something that brings you to your knees...you hold the symbol of the price of our salvation in your hands, literally your ticket to eternal life...I want people running up front to share a 10th of their blessings with the one who gave it all to them anyway...I want mission to be not just a trip or a date on a calendar...I want it to be looking at the person next to you and taking an interest in who they are and what their burdens are...I want a classroom experience that succeeds in teaching and stays true instead of people taking over with their opinions...

I want.

I want to know about ways I can find my gifts and serve my God every day, not once in a while, but every moment that the Lord gives me breath. I want to put the notes and formulas and talking points, lighting cues away and strip it down to Him.

I want a place to go where you tell me why you love Him. What is He in your life? Where do you put Him in the list of priorities? Tell me how He has moved you, how you have failed Him, how you start over when you fall down, what you have learned from that fall and why you continue to love and need Him. Give me suggestions, positives, a guide to be more this week than I was last week. When we sing, I don't want to sing the words off a screen, I don't want to read words of praise out loud...I want to sing praise, sing with joy, raise my hands if the spirit moves me too, not just to "look holy", I want us to lift our voices to our Father.

In Heaven, that is what we will do all the time and I for one, I long for it. I wrote to Billy Graham to ask him if I was really saved and he wrote me a letter back. I did this when I was a very small child. He wrote me back a hand written letter himself. I was saved watching him on TV with my grandparents. He told me that there would come a time when I would not be afraid for the Lord to come back. There would be a time when I would feel saved. He told me that I would look for that day with anticipation and that I would continue to grow in my faith. He told me I was like a little baby and that for the rest of my life, I would grow and the need in me would grow too. He was right. I long to go home more than words can say. I long to leave all of this behind and I cannot wait for the day the trumpet sounds and the most amazing things I have even imagined in my mind will simply pale in comparison to what my Father has planned. Every day brings me closer to that day.

God loves me. He loves you. No matter who you are. No matter what you are. My tears came today because He loved me enough to use His son as the bridge, as the Way to Him. All I had to do is open my hand and take His. Sin fell off of me when that happened. The chains were gone. My "good" is meaningless. He did this so I could be beside Him, in Him.... always. Nothing can ever take me out of His hand. His son took my sin and drowned it in forgiveness and His forgetfulness. He brought me into His presence as His child for eternity. His son died for me so I don't have to face death. All I have to do is leave this body of clay behind and I will keep going until I am Home, until I run into His arms. The marks on His hands are there because of me, but He has forgotten even that, all He sees now is love. All He wants is a heart that lets Him in. I want Him to break the limits of the amount of love my heart can hold for Him. I want worship that leaves me breathless.

More than enough reason for tears to fall this morning in gratitude for what he has done for me, for all of us. More than enough reason to want more when I worship Him.

I know hunger...the question is, what am I going to do about it?

Battle of the Brids-Deux

2009-03-07T16:11:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was a lovely day, a true gift from God to give us a little spring preview. There really is no time like springtime. I could not live somewhere that did not let me experience the beauty of each of the seasons. So full of joy and reflection, with spring in my heart, a bounce in my step and a song on my lips, I walked out to my back porch to light the grill and cook steaks outside.

I then opened the grill.

Before me was the beginning of a large nest...the birds were once again trying to take up residence inside my grill. They had just started it. Clutching the dried grass and straw in my hands and holding it up in the air, I shook my fists at them. Those rat bastards were back. Apparently the alligator with the bird in his mouth is no longer a sufficient deterrent to scare them off. So, I had to clean the grill and purge it by fire. I did so, swearing vengeance and a few other things while simultaneously gearing up for a big battle between myself and my less than fine feathered friends.

I shall keep you posted....

I is Tired

2009-03-04T20:50:00.001-06:00

Hi. I am tired. Dog tired. Dead dog tired. Why you ask? Well, I did 10 feeding evaluations in three days. I did 8 last week. My mind is going to blow into confetti. I am working tomorrow and Friday will go to Charleston, IL for a consultation. Now I love EIU and I love working with Alicia, so that is all good, but next week I fly off to Arkansas on Wednesday and teach for two days. Then the following week up north for another consultation. Translation: Lots of work, not much rest and no real end in sight to my growing busy-ness. Actually it is just gearing up with 6 courses between now and June and 2 research studies. I need to make sure I take care of myself and spend time in prayer and reading my bible. That grounds me and fills me up again so I can take care of these little ones in need. I also have my vacation to San Diego with my mom in April. Something wonderful to look forward to!

Rules for The End of Chen

2009-02-26T18:36:00.000-06:00

Laura and I have been talking lately about when she and I get old. Well, she will be old, I will be ancient. We laugh about sharing a room in the old folks home with her jaw locked in the open position and me on some form of life support or tormenting some young green speech pathologist trying to evaluate my cognitive and language functioning or heaven forbid, thicken my liquids.
Her instructions are to a) get me a steak and some thin liquids b) throw her bed pan at anyone who tries to give me Thick Em Up or assess me using The Boston c) If things look bleak for recovery, get her walker or wheelchair and go kick the life support plug out of the wall and let Chen go see Jesus. Then we started talking about The Chen Funeral. We were laughing so hard we were crying.

Really, I am going to live forever anyway. (You can't bury a Christian, except for this old shell that is left behind) so here are the rules. Laura told me to make a list, so I decided to write this down somewhere just in case, you know, plane goes up, plane comes down or something.

The Rules are:
No black clothes
Comfy clothes for me and no helmet hair or dayglow make up job
Pretty flowers, springtime flowers and take the left overs to the hospital when it is all over. No funeral flowers that look like I won the Kentucky Derby, no sashes with labels like "Mother," or "Wife" etc. If people don't know who I am, they don't need to be there.
Good music
Lots of giggles
Lots of good food when it is over....share the left overs again at the homeless shelter.
I get to go first, Randy can go after me.

I think that should cover it.

Ouch

2009-02-21T10:47:00.001-06:00

I have a headache. A big one. Two cups of coffee, two rapid release Tylenol extra strength, food....no changes. Ouch. I also have to do a teleconference in one hour and answer a bunch of questions from parents of premature infants. Maybe this is why I have a huge headache. This little task ahead means that I need to be coherent and not holding my head with both hands. I will do my Linda Crews Wonder PT headache treatment of hanging my head over the side of my bed and hopefully it will help and my head won't blow up into tiny pieces of confetti.
I will keep you posted on my level of distress.

Did you ever have a day....?

2009-02-11T20:46:00.000-06:00

Hi. Went to work, expecting to be very busy and my day really fell apart. My first patient did not attend after I went to Hardees to get him some food for the session! So I gave a big ol' biscuit and jelly to Michelle. I owe her so much more, she is so wonderful. Radiology had an inservice so I did not have to go out in the rain and wind to the hospital. I did see a beautiful baby girl (oh my gosh is she cute) and Laura and Miranda helped me with her. That was great fun. I only had two additional little friends come see me and we had good sessions too. But I had lots of time and I completed so many projects today, it was great. I am caught up. Miranda and I went over everything for my supervision of her CFY. It was wonderful!
Then I had a close encounter with a total jerk and it turned me into Dark and Foul Chen. Now why after a day like this did I let one idiot mess up my day. I need to wise up and launch the jerks in the world and embrace the good things.

Gluten Overload

2009-02-06T17:39:00.000-06:00

I have gone to the dark side. Laura has been sick. I have needed comfort. So I started off innocently enough with a Jimmy John's sandwich that was too heavy with condiments to touch and pull out of the bread and it then went into a downhill slide of pizza crust, hamburger bun, pie crust and angel hair pasta. After you jump off the diving board, you might as well swim in the water a while, huh? So I did. I have to stop. I have to get myself back to boring fruit, rice, chicken, veggies and leave the world of buns, rolls, crusts behind. I don't care if my eyes are devil red, they match my mood. Yes, gluten makes me grouchier than normal. I have eczema on the sides of my legs and I am starting to itch. For some reason, this is not enough of a side effect to make me stop. Yes I have blown my Weight Watchers diet this week. Lala could not eat so I ate for us both. I need a counselor, but my dysfunctional personality has seen me through 45 years, it isn't likely to stop now.
I am pledging to end it tonight. Laura is home so I will jump on the gluten free wagon once again.

Encouragement

2009-02-06T08:44:00.000-06:00

These are some quotes I turn to for encouragement and inspiration...

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices, but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence."-Albert Einstein

"A friend is one who has the same enemies as you have." -Abraham Lincoln

"America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves. "-Abraham Lincoln

"I never had a policy; I have just tried to do my very best each and every day." -Abraham Lincoln

"Winners compare their achievements with their goals, while losers compare their achievements with those of other people"-Nido Qubein

“You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.”-Albert Einstein

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”-Mark Twain

“It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves.”-Edmund Hillary (First to climb Everest)

Laura is sick

2009-02-05T15:22:00.000-06:00

Hi. Laura and I returned from traveling the globe last week in Santa Ana and she ended up with mastoiditis, an infection in the bony process behind the ear. She had an ear infection and did not know it and it passed on to the mastoid. Not good. Our landing was horrible in St Louis and the cabin pressure was very, very painful for all of us, even with my Earplanes in, it hurt. She was really feeling it. She got sick Sunday night. She has been in ER twice, admitted twice and she is still at Memorial. She has had a great deal of pain, her eardrum ruptured and they are going to try to put a tube in this afternoon to get some of the infection out of her ear. My poor friend. I miss her a lot. I just want to see her all better.
I am usually the sick one, we know how to do that, this is not our routine. Laura always rallies! She is rarely sick, but this one got her. If I didn't know better, I would swear it was my birthday and the curse ricocheted off me and got her again!
I will keep you posted. I want my best friend back.

25 Weird Things About Me....This is the Follow Up Exercise After One Writes the 25 Things About Me...In Other Words, Now For the Real Looney Stuff

2009-01-25T09:09:00.000-06:00

1. I have sensory processing disorder (as a result of the cord being around my neck twice, I was a blue baby, wonder what my APGARS were?) #1 will explain many of the following....
2. I hate certain colors together. Cannot stand to look at red, black and turquoise, pink and black and to some extent red and green, red and yellow. I hate turquoise all by itself. I love all of those colors in other combinations, but when it is wrong, I must look away. I took down and fixed a sign in our department once because it bugged me so much.
3. I cannot stand the sound of flour rubbing on dough. It is torture for me to try to make sugar cookies or noodles. It is even worse wearing gloves. Remember the old episodes of Star Trek where some kind of sonic style weapon was used and everyone fell to the floor covering their ears from the sound? That's me...for real. Ask Randy and Luke, sandpaper is Cheri Repellent. They like to make me react to this stuff.
4. I am extremely fussy about the feeling of clothing, materials, etc. I cannot color with cheap crayons and coloring books. As I work with children, I do color, but the paper must be smooth and the crayon high dollar.
5. If my socks don't fit right or stay up, I will turn around and drive back home to fix it.
6. Like Alicia, I cannot stand it if someone uninvited is in my personal space (too close at grocery store).
7. I cannot have a day pass without taking a shower and fixing my hair and make-up. The world is not right if I haven't done that.
8. I cannot sleep in past 8 or 9 am no matter what.
9. I have hypotonia almost in the realm of a problem.
10. Loud noises bother me.
11. Vampire movies freak me out. (The scary ones, not Twilight) Luke will come up behind me and hiss like a vampire and I will scream. No matter where we are. I am hours of entertainment for those two to mess with my mind! Shark movies...close to panic. Jaws warped my mind at age 11.
12. I can detect after-taste in food and drinks that no one else can. These things and my above stated weirdnesses make me one heck of a feeding specialist.
13. I love to eat! It is the best part of every day.
14. I used to ride horses, climb trees and play in the dirt and mud and sand as a little kid.
15. I am terrified of tornadoes, but fascinated at the same time.
16. I want to learn to shoot. Really well. I don't know why, but I do. Maybe something from Dad being an expert marksman. I don't want to hunt or anything, just targets (unless someone is standing too freaking close to me..hee hee)
17. I hate and I love my hair. Everyone tells me how much they love it but I always wanted Marcia Brady hair (which would have looked awful on me). We battle each day, my hair and I. In humidity, it becomes a fro.
18. I cannot stand spelling errors. I am very mad when I misspell a word. I rarely use spell check either.
19. I have no math ability. None, zip, zero. Real brain damage area here, seriously. I have Dyscalculia. Comes paired with advanced language skills usually. Dyscalculia sounds like Count Chocula, doesn't it?....Ewwww...I am scared again. I hate that I have it, but it is who I is.
20. I immediately knew how to take care and feed preemie babies. Instinct. Not enough fear at first, but I just got it. Laura was the same way. It was like a fish coming to water for the first time. I knew I was right where God wanted me to be when I started doing feeding therapy.
21. I can write faster than almost anyone I know (except maybe Alicia). I can write chapters in about an hour. Most of my posts take about 10 minutes. No surprises there, right?
22. I am afraid to fly. Hate it. Always will. Like seeing the clouds and talking to God on the plane though.
23. I am afraid of dying in a car crash or drowning. I get nervous when we drive by water. I keep a sharp tool in my car to break the window if the car went in the water. My little OCD thing.
24. I talk to myself all the time in my head, like JD on Scrubs. Sometimes, I make myself laugh.
25. The best part of my day is coming home to Randy and Luke, finding a soft warm pair of pajamas, sweat pants and shirt that I like the feel of and settling in under my super soft Target blanket.

My Poor Neglected Blogs....Facebook rules

2009-01-20T05:31:00.000-06:00

I am having a grand ol' time over on Facebook. I can write to multiple friends at once, my sisters, my cousins are there and I am trying to get Mama Ruthie on there too. Cool! Unfortunately, I am neglecting my blogs, but I am busy multi-tasking again (courses already, usually we take a few winter months off) and I am doing more research on projects #2 and #3, so I need to write but only have time for little snippets here and there. Facebook for that reason works for the stressed writer in me. Facebook rocks.

It is surreal, on Facebook, some people know me as Cheri, sister, cousin and funny girl, some as former BHS cheerleader (life long...the desire to cartwheel lives on in me) and funny girl, some know me as Cheri, EIU student, Jr Speech Pathologist, Grad Assistant, The Few, The Proud, The Unprofessional funny girl and some people know me at Cheri, wife and mom, church member, funny girl and finally as Chen, "internationally renowned"(that cracks me up, what does that mean?) Sr. pedi speech pathologist, feeding specialist, researcher, author and funny old girl. I can call myself funny because little Emma Walbert told Laura that I was her mom's and I quote "funniest friend with bushy hair." Emma say Chen is funny, Chen is funny.

I will try to get my blog back on and balance out my obsessions a bit more. In the meantime, join Facebook, it is so much fun!

Making a Freakin' List....Checkin' It Twice...I am discombobulated

2009-01-14T06:55:00.000-06:00

Discombobulated...verb (used with object), -lat⋅ed, -lat⋅ing....to confuse or disconcert; upset; frustrate: The speaker was completely discombobulated by the hecklers. (Note: Now hecklers would not bother me, I would just stop the lecture and beat the crap out of them)

I am discombobulated because what was once "combobulated" is now "dis." I do not live by the list. The list is a chain that I do not accept. I keep my "To Do" list securely in the "vault"...which is my once sound, now faltering mind. I am not internally organized and I am quite frankly, not pleasant. Today one could call me a little hellcat, dark and foul or a wee bit biatche' for lack of better words.

I have stuff out there that I can't get a handle on. Like 10,000 lectures and speaking invitations, taxes and I don't know who is who or where is where and literally I am leaving to teach a course tomorrow and all I know is that it is in the vicinity of Tinley Park. The weather in Chicago is going to be a bear. We start driving tomorrow night. Jim Cantore was doing a broadcast from Chicago last night..never a good sign. I also have projects, deadlines and little stuff to get off my plate...and I had to, for the first time, make a list. I hate lists.

Talking and answering questions for two days should help. That, if you did not recognize it, is sarcasm.

Laura lives by the list. She thrives on a list. She is happy to mark things off. She makes a list to tell herself to make a list. I made one. Swearing like a sailor, internally, not out loud....and did it high tech on my Blackberry but it was still a list. Auuugggghh.

I will tell you how bad it is, I did not know that American Idol started last night. I want to be combobulated again. I want neurobehavioral organization. I need a weighted blanket and a chew toy. I sabotaged my weight watchers seeking combobulation with a coney dog and Fries from A and W because I forgot my cardboard weight watchers frozen dinner yesterday. But the guy who gave me my bag of no no food gave me no napkin, so my discombobulation grew discombobulateder. I also had diet root beer! Like that helps. As for my diet, what was lost is now found and I am not in my happy place. I want to be free, I want my mental list back, like that Orbitz commercial of things circling around my head...I left a load of laundry in the washer for two days, re-washed it and left it there again.

I am not taking my B-12...see a pattern here? Because I forgot to take it. Yesterday I found out Dr. Fishbein sent something I whipped out with the team with less than 5 minutes thought to one of the most respected names in the field of feeding for review. Holy Cow. He did not tell me that! Auuugggghhhhhh.........next time I see him, POW! To the moon, then I will hug him and tell him Hello.

It is my nephew's birthday today too. He is 18. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. He is the best kid in the world, but his birthday makes old Aunt Chen feel ancient. I am freaking ancient. Do you know that I watched all the old Star Wars movies the past two days and it occurred to me that I was once able to say to my friends, "Hey let's go see that new movie Star Wars?" when it was a new release. I was there when it all started. I am spitting dirt.

Today is a retreat day at work though. I get to wear jeans. I get to have fun with my Koke Peeps. I get candy. Weight watchers be damned today. This is therapeutic. I will let you know if I get my combobulation back on. I am like Stella when she lost her groove.

Fell off the Gluten and Weight Watchers Wagon Yesterday...Fell hard too

2009-01-11T08:21:00.001-06:00

Yesterday started off innocently enough with a mistake of skipping breakfast. As Astro would say, "Ruh Roh." I should know better than that and should have anticipated a subsequent feeding frenzy. After a less than satisfying baked chicken lunch, blech....I took Luke to guitar lessons in the late afternoon and he wanted to go to Monicals. I took him there out of the goodness of my heart, with no ulterior motives and he wanted to split a 14 inch pizza instead of the little individual pizzas. Ever the good parent, I agreed and I ordered pepperoni on my half, he had bacon. It was the perfect 1/2 of a pepperoni pizza. As I was suddenly tired and disgruntled about scraping the top off of pizza I ate two little pieces. Luke looked up at me and looked at my crust-free plate and gave me that look, the one a parent gives a disobedient child. I said, "I don't care, too late now."

And the gluten gluttony began. I only had a small amount of pizza left over to take home. I also had a Hostess cupcake later just for the heck of it. It was good. Really good. Luke got on to me again demonstrating his future skills as a parent. Yes, I am paying for my deviant behavior today and will for a few days to come. I have tried, but gluten free food simply for lack of a better word sucks. Gluten free pizza crust, rice crust is awful. No matter how fancy the company, barf. Only Alicia and Anthony can make the gluten free cinnamon rolls that I need like a hole in my head. Dense food. Thousands of calories. Now Laura bought me some gluten free cookies out of the goodness of her heart. Two days later I got one out and almost broke a tooth trying to bite into it. So today is, as Miss Scarlett would say, another day and I am going to try to walk the straight and narrow once more. Red eyes, congested, itchy....but my pizza memories are good ones. I will never follow the rules long term. I know what a rebel I am when it comes to food. But I am recommitting myself to Weight Watchers once more and on that note, I better go have some breakfast.

Bye 2008...I have been blogging for a year now!

2009-01-04T12:13:00.000-06:00

Well, 4 days into 2009 and looking back, 2008 was a good year for me. I know it was a financial nightmare in regard to the economy, but still a good year. I started my year having great fun watching American Idol. January is always great for me due to Idol. I loved David Cook, it was my favorite year other than when Kelly won. Illinois basketball was not fun last year.
In March on my birthday I got sick. Really sick. That really threw me for months. Dizziness, CT scans, ENT visits and lots and lots of PT. I may graduate from PT this Tuesday if all goes well. After a very, very gray Winter and early Spring, I had a great time in Phoenix, Tuscon and San Francisco to break up the Illinois blahs. Spring was fun and birdies invaded my grill. I battled them for a while, but won by putting a toy alligator with a stuffed bird in it's mouth! It is still out there.
My hair was destroyed in a color nightmare. I actually had every color (and then some) of hair possible for a human being to have. My dear Stacey fixed it for me. I became a motorcycle mama this year and I really fell in love with being on the road with Randy.
I loved watching the Olympics last summer. I loved Michael Phelps and gymnastics and the opening and closing ceremonies were truly amazing. Football season was fun. Luke started driving and having him start HS made me feel old. They had a pretty good season. Luke is such a good kid and a lot of fun. There was a lot of stress for Randy regarding the music program at church. He and Alan worked very hard to hold things together.
The feeding clinic thrived and we added Michelle to our team. She has been so wonderful for us. We did a lot of different lectures and met some really great (and a few not so great) people in the US and Canada. Our research project took a lot of time this year. We presented our research in November in San Diego. I fell in love with San Diego too. We presented with Marsha Dunn Klein and that was a real highlight of my career. Laura and I giggled our way through numerous trips around the world. The election of 2008 truly was historic in so many ways. I love being an American! Every time I leave the US and come home, I am so thankful to live here.
We had a wonderful Thanksgiving. My mom and I had so much fun shopping the day after and we had a great time in Tuscola at the outlet mall. I became hooked on Facebook. I bought my Blackberry Storm and started texting. I have had great fun with my fancy phone. This year ended with the most wonderful vacation of my life at Disney World. It has been a good year.

Home From Orlando

2009-01-01T19:34:00.000-06:00

We're baaaccckk! It was a great trip. Fantastic really. The best vacation I have ever had. The weather in Orlando was perfect...high seventies to eighty, sunny and low humidity. When we arrived on Sunday night, we ate at Captain Cooks and then went over to my favorite place, The Magic Kingdom. It was all decorated for Christmas and it was so beautiful. It was "snowing" on Mainstreet USA....and there are no words to describe the lights on the castle. They lit it up completely each night at 6:30 and it was gorgeous. Cinderella wanted it to sparkle like her glass slippers so the Fairy Godmother lit it up a section at a time. We just loved being outside at night with the warm weather and we watched the holiday fireworks in front of the castle. We took the boat back to the Polynesian that night and we used it the rest of the time. So much nicer than taking the monorail. It was just so fun to be out on the water. They had a parade of lights on the water, barges with lighted displays (dragons, etc). It was really neat.
The next day we were off to the Animal Kingdom, Luke's favorite place. Randy and Luke rode Everest. We went on the safari...that was awesome. Later, I left them there and went on to the resort. I spent some time sitting pool side until they returned. Boy, was it crowded. They had record breaking numbers all week and on New's Year's Eve, closed both the Magic Kingdom and Epcot to additional visitors. That night (and the next day too) we went to Hollywood Studios and rode the Aerosmith Rock and Roll roller coaster and Tower of Terror. Both rides were so much fun. Loved it. Randy and Luke rented little speed boats and they drove all over the harbor. They went swimming too, it was almost too cold to swim. Toured Disney Vacation Club and returned back to Magic Kingdom for evening. We went shopping too. Luke was wiped out so he rested at the resort. Randy and I got to see the preview of the New Year's fireworks as they did it a day early at 11:50 PM Tuesday and repeated it again on Wednesday night. The fireworks...there are no words to describe those fireworks. We sat on the beach and that was the perfect place to be. Boy, oh boy, it was so fun!
Wednesday morning Randy and Luke used our VIP passes on several of the very popular rides, followed by renting boats again for rides on the harbor and I went to the beach and poolside again at mid-day. We dined in our room on Wednesday night, watched the Illinois game replayed on ESPN2 and then went out for the big New Year's Eve fireworks. It was hard to come home. I think we will start doing this every year right after Christmas through New Year's.

What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate...

2008-12-27T07:33:00.001-06:00

My husband and son go on a feeding frenzy late at night. They are seriously locusts. I never witness this horrific act, but I do get to pick up the wrappers and containers that they leave in their wake. Now, for Christmas, my wonderful mother bought me a bag of Moose Munch. Harry and David Moose Munch. My mommy did this for me because she knows that I cannot eat all the other treats of Christmas due to gluten. That means, no brownies,pie, cookies, cake for me. But I can have popcorn with the occasional chocolate dipped piece of popcorn heaven in a bag from HARRY and DAVID!!!!
This morning I found the ripped open bag and literally a few kernels of Moose Munch left on the counter. Grrrr. Them There Rat Bastards ate my Moose Munch! Someone is going down. They picked through the other desserts all around them that they can eat and inhaled my food. Apparently, my gleeful hugging of the Moose Munch bag did not get communicate the message to them that I was happy and actually anticipating eating some of it (tiny amounts at a time via Weight Watchers) not just holding the bag to my chest. Grrrrrrrrr!!!! Someone gonna drive to Harry and David in Tuscola or order on line Moose Munch for Mommy pronto or someone is going to get a frying pan applied to the top of the head.

Post Christmas Report

2008-12-26T06:34:00.000-06:00

Hi. We had a great day yesterday and I did use up all my stored flex points for my Weight Watchers program. That is the way it is supposed to be, right?

Anyway, I am still psyched. I love my mom so much. She has worked so hard all of her life. Hours on her feet, either in the candy factory years ago or cooking at the Red Fox and later at the Sullivan Country Club. She helped Dad build our house. She put all those hours in to buy our land and build our home. She never spent a dime on herself and she still would give her last penny away to someone who needed it. We didn't do many vacations at all as kids, we just didn't have the money to do so. I didn't miss out though, we had a great childhood...riding our friend's horses, tire swings, bike rides, swimming. If we did go somewhere, we went to see family. I still remember the 5 of us and a dog jammed into a Honda civic driving to Pennsylvannia. Still it would have been fun to do more traveling. My trip to France to the World Congress meeting to present on Food Chaining was wonderful because I took my mom with me. We had a great time. I decided to do more of that, especially after the series at church, Live Like You Were Dying. So this year, I surprised her with the gift of a trip to San Diego with me in April. We will have another vacation together. I am so happy to be able to do this for her. I can't wait.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

2008-12-25T04:32:00.000-06:00

It is about 4:24am and I am up drinking coffee and waiting for this wonderful holiday to start. We had Christmas Eve here last night. Randy's mom Hazel and my parents, Ruth and Jerry, came over. Thankfully the weather did not stop our plans. Roads were not bad. I made Italian Beef, Italian chicken, hash brown casserole, Sally Green's wonderful Orange Walnut salad with a bit of a twist... mandarin oranges, strawberries, golden raisins and pecans, green beans, appetizers and a variety of desserts. We didn't even make a dent in the food. Hazel brought her bingo cards and we played Christmas bingo. Luke was the big winner. He loves this and we have done it for years at all the Christmas Eve celebrations in Sullivan. Today we will open our gifts to one another and then hit the road to Mom and Dad's for Christmas dinner. I am very excited to give my gift to Mom and I hope Randy and Luke like what I have for them.

I was very moved thinking yesterday about the abundance of blessings God has given our family. Just being able to prepare a huge meal for your family is a blessing these days. So many people are out of work and fearful about the future. Laura had a little patient at Koke Mill tell her several weeks ago that mommy said there was not enough money for Christmas this year. It broke her heart. Now, one thing I truly love about Laura and I see over and over, is that she likes to fix things and will go above and beyond to make everything all right. She sometimes does too much above and beyond, but this time, my dearest friend got everything right. She started by talking to our wonderful boss Jane and we did our own version of the angel tree. Now Laura already gave gifts for our church angel tree too and she sponsors a child in need through our business Preemietalk. This isn't just at Christmas for her, she is always on the look out for a obstacle to overcome for someone else. So for this little guy, Laura and Jane sent out an email to all our staff. Our wonderful team at Koke Mill came through with gifts for this little boy and his two siblings. Laura had a growing pile of gifts under her desk each day and I know it really made her Christmas. I am so glad to call her my friend (and occasionally my wife...hee hee...that is a different story about her marrying me on Facebook by mistake this year).

I know that no matter what gift waits for her under the tree that nothing will give her more joy than thinking of that little boy and his family opening presents this morning. The magic of giving and developing a heart for others in need is what Christmas is all about. God gives us a little spark inside of His loving spirit and we just need to let it become a flame. Merry Christmas Everyone!

Almost Here!

2008-12-23T17:33:00.000-06:00

What am I going to do once Christmas is over? I have had such holiday fever this year. I love Christmas and I am very excited. I have had such a great time decorating and getting ready, I did more today too. I am happy about making dinner tomorrow and it will be great fun. I am making Italian chicken, Italian beef sandwiches, cheesy potatoes, dinner theater salad, triple berry pie, brownies, Rice Krispie treats and I have veggie trays, shrimp and meatballs ready to go too. What a blessing that we can have a wonderful holiday like this. I just hope the weather doesn't get too treacherous. I am praying that God sends snow and keeps the ice for another day.
I hope my boys like their gifts. I don't want them to be disappointed. I really don't even want anything. I am just glad to be able to do things for my family. I have Luke and Randy, that is all I need anyway.
I am really, really excited about my mom's gift. I will tell you more later. It is a secret!!!
Merry Christmas!!!!

My Quest for a Hat...A possible solution!

2008-12-20T11:14:00.000-06:00

If you read my blogs or know me well, you know that I have an enormous watermelon sized head. Now, I also have a ton of hair, maybe two or three times what normal people have on their heads, but believe me, it isn't all hair at fault here. Mega-sized cranium too. I have struggled to find hats that fit me from my days in marching band at BHS and later at EIU and all through my childhood, during dinner theater, at parties all through my adult life. Laura and I have searched for 10 and 1/2 gallon hats in Texas that, on me, looked like I was wearing a Mr Potato Head Hat. We decided there was no Santa hat to fit me for Christmas parties at work and instead opted for a tree skirt.
Well, the solution may have come this week at work. I was in my treatment room at Koke Mill. It used to be a storage/hydro-room. It is big and has lots of windows, so no complaints from me about that. It has a huge old, tall ice machine in it. The ice machine is very, very loud. Still not complaining. I was getting my room ready for my next patient and we were going to cook. I reached up to the large basket of cooking stuff on top of the ice machine. Inside this basket is a Magic Bullet, an electric skillet, a George Foreman grill and a variety of cooking utensils and sprays. As I started pulling it toward me, off the edge of the ice machine, an avalanche occurred. It all started sliding and falling out toward my upturned face. Now, as I still have reflexes like a cat, I tucked my chin and prepared for impact. The lid of the electric skillet flipped in the air and landed right on my head...like a hat. There was, as a recall, also a loud "gong" like noise. I set everything else down, still wearing my electric skillet lid-hat and praying that no one had witnessed this through the window in my door or from the outside. I also prayed that no one came in needing ice to see me with a lid on top of my head. I removed it with no witnesses to my latest debacle.

But as I thought about it a bit more, it did fit. It would protect me from both rain and snow/sleet and any other hazards from falling objects. They might come in pretty colors. I might be on to something here. I may, after all these years, have found a multi-purpose hat that works for me. Laura and I are planning on taking photos, so stay tuned for later postings.

Ramblings of a Middle Aged Chick

2008-12-20T06:50:00.000-06:00

Hi. Do you ever wonder what happens, my fellow blogger friends, when someone lands on your blog by mistake? Do they look it over for a bit and stick around a while or do they read a few lines and take off to the next site. I often wonder, when I write, do I ever really have anything worth saying? Let alone, worth reading? Who knows if this blog about hair color disasters, spiders, booby traps, adventures traveling the globe, stories about my dog, my family (not in the that order...he is just snoring at my feet...oh, the dog, not Randy), friends, giggling through my days and my love for life appeals to anyone but me? So if it is total crap, sorry about that. If you get a kick out of it once in a while, good, I am glad.

I do have a few observations this week. I was a sick pup this week and had a headache for two days straight. Luke now has the cold symptom side of this. I hope he snaps out of it. I am trying to avoid any physicians office full of sick people. He needs to heal on his own, now. Today we will see how he feels. Why don't they have a drive up window for throat cultures and ear checks? Then we are not exposed to Jungle Fever and Hunga Munga. Because if I take him in, he will be ok, nothing antibiotic worthy and the trip will simply expose me to the equivalent of the Bird Flu. I will be a sick pup on the holiday. Grrr. Randy is rarely sick, maybe he will take the kid in for me. I will keep you posted on the Boy.

What else is going on? Well, why is it that off my diet I can eat about 4000 calories in a day of holiday gluttony and gain not one pound... but on weight watchers, eating only my points and no flex points, I can look at a piece of fudge and gain weight? I would like to formally complain here. I am now reaching plateau land and I need to exercise more. So I loaded a lot of songs on my iPod and I will start to dance again. Yes, dance. I have dusted off Core Rhythms and Yoga Booty Ballet...I may also Tae Bo to break things up. I will turn the sound off on these DVD's and listen to my own mix of music that makes me want to dance. I can't remember, but the other day in Walgreens they had something blasting that made me want to boogie in the aisles right there. I suppressed the urge briefly, but then thought, "Why not?" Hee hee. I want to be 80+ and "getting down" in the Denture Care and Depends aisle. Life is short-Dance!

Next, my phone, my obsession. I love my Blackberry Storm. It is so cool. I love Bluetooth. I loved it even more when I figured out how to wear it the right way so people could hear me. My mom commented that it sounded like I was in a cave. Ooops. That there receiver works best when pointed at your mouth instead of the back of your head. Duh! Anyway, I digress, I love that it tells me what to do every day and I can rely on it instead of my rapidly fading memory. Appointment in 2010? No problem! The Storm will remember and chime at me so I will not forget. Need to check calories/points while waiting for my meal at LaFiesta? No problem. The Storm will give me the number of points and keep me on track. This will be great when I am traveling too. I even did edits on the research paper on my Storm.

Christmas...oh I love Christmas. I love lights and gift giving and party food and celebrating. I am so excited that we have had snow. I am so thankful the world around us was not covered in 2 inches of ice too. I just have a few things to pick up and a few things that need to arrive on time and I will be happy. There is one exception to my holiday bliss, however, and that is...wrapping presents. The gift bag was created for those like me. I finished "wrapping" yesterday. Now one needs to know that I am, without a doubt, "wrapping impaired". Really. I wrap the ugliest gifts in the world. They do not require name tags as all anyone in the family needs to do is look to know the gift is from yours truly. I think "wadding" is a better term than "wrapping" for me. I wad paper up around the gift and stick tape everywhere. I can't cut in a straight line and all my scissors are so dull that it is all ragged on the edges. I have tried, but I am bored stiff while wrapping and wish to get it over with. My other holiday challenge is carving a turkey. Erma Bombeck wrote about this once, she said she and the bird go into the kitchen and only one of them comes back out. She too could not carve. My carving actually makes my wrapping look good. My turkey looks like it was attacked by a cat or a pack of cats. Pretty soon, I just drop the knife and rip it off the bird with my hands and fling it on to the plates. But my method does result in less chewing required for guests that way. My knives are dull too. I think everyone is afraid I will kill myself with sharp utensils of any kind. I sat and watched my father in amazement this Thanksgiving as he carved the turkey perfectly. He had all the razor sharp tools he needed, he turned the bird in different directions (what a novel thought!) and he had lovely slices of turkey, worthy of Martha Stewart's holiday table. I did pick up some techniques for my next Turkey vs Chen wrestling match. I may even go buy one and have it after the holidays when the pressure is off and there are no horrified guests watching the poultry massacre.

Well I think that is it for now. I am excited that it is a new day and I can eat again. I am trying to decide whether or not to work out and then weigh myself and then eat. Or eat and scrap the rest of it. I am trying to determine if this post has had anything in it worth reading to anyone but me. Who knows...probably not. But for now, it has been fun. Isn't that all that really matters?

Where Have I Been?

2008-12-14T07:24:00.000-06:00

You may have noticed less frequent posts lately. So, where have I been? On Facebook with my friends way too often but also traveling the globe with Laura. These past weeks besides traveling and teaching, I have been chained to my computer finishing our research paper with Dr. Fishbein. It always comes down to this at the end, he and I are the only ones left standing, feverishly working back and forth, editing, revising, ripping it to shreds and starting over to hammer out something that satisfies both of us. Tall order there. I didn't move Friday out of my chair. I just wasn't happy with it and with his permission, I re-arranged most of the article. We emailed each other, called each other and finally it worked. Then he revised my revisions to pretty it up. I sent it to trusted friends/colleagues to edit. It is almost, and I stress almost, done. Praise the Lord. We are submitting it to medical journals this week. Keep your fingers crossed.

So Wassup with Chen?
I am only 4 days away from being on vacation for two weeks. There are no words to describe how badly I need a, as Luke used to say, bacation. I am very excited about it too.

I am on Weight Watchers and making progress. I made more progress than my tracker shows because I lied to WW about my initial weight. I just could not type those numbers. I can't go back and reset it or it clears my history. Darn it all. I know lying always gets you. My goal is to be 30 lbs Less Me without using amputation. Hee hee, I am horribly flawed but God loves me anyway. Oh well, look at my Driver's License if you really want to see a whopper.

I am going to teach a Sunday School adult learning class starting January 11th at RCC. I am excited about that. Somedays I want to quit being Cheri Fraker: Speech Pathologist and be Cheri Fraker: Missionary and Preacher Girl. What do you think? I could be Sister Cheri!

I am getting ready for Christmas and just really enjoying the lights, the crowds (for a short time prior to going into full sensory overload), the periodic snow showers and the joy of this season. I tell everyone Merry Christmas, not Happy Holidays, by the way. I always will too.

I have a new Blackberry Storm and that is so much fun. I am learning to be a real tech girl. I also got it for 99.00 so I am very happy.

I think that is all the updates for now. I have to go clean my house!

Atlanta...

2008-12-07T06:25:00.000-06:00

Finished our last presentation for 2008 in beautiful Atlanta-ish. We were actually outside Atlanta, but we did drive by it at 100 mph in the limo.

Oh the adventures when Chen and Lala Go Bye Bye...

First of all, we drove to Bloomington and discussed our plans for eating our way to Atlanta. All travels are planned out by the upcoming eating events. My gluten issues and weight watchers program somewhat limit us but we get by and we had lunch. It was a sunny day but the roads and sidewalks were snow covered and icy. I cannot walk on dry pavement without falling down. If I do fall down, we have a problem. I won't be able to get up and Laura collapses helpless into the giggles and then wets her pants from laughing. So to avoid this less than flattering display, we decided to drop the old lady at the door and let Laura park the car. Good call for many reasons as it was 9 degrees with the wind chill and I had on girly shoes and a thin jacket.

So thinking all was well we went through security and waited to board the plane. I don't like flying. I am scared while flying. I am much better than I used to be but am in constant contact with God all the way through. I used to tear up on planes, but not now. I am a big girl and world traveler and try to keep others from knowing that I am seconds from running up and down the aisles shrieking. So airports are never fun. I thought about all of this as I waited for my cold friend to enter the airport. Laura then told me she forgot to look where she parked the car. Oh well, nothing major. I mean, isn't that really the true purpose of the remote panic button? She then touched the side of her neck and discovered that she had not put on her airsickness patch. Now not only had she not put it on, she did not have one. Oh boy!!! That qualifies as Major. We started nervous laughing and looking at each other with true concern and wide eyes several times. She started singing "hold the pickle, hold the lettuce" as we considered that we might see her lunch again soon. Now, I did offer to stick a postage stamp on her neck for the placebo effect, but opted for tough love and reverse psychology when I told her it was all psychological(to get her all riled up and make her decide not to hurl) and I also told her that she had treated her vestibular system by flying so much. I told her she was not going to toss her cookies and cry (she is the most pathetic vomiter I have ever seen) her way to Atlanta. I said this was a great opportunity to prove that she could fly drug free, while in my head I calculated how to quietly ask to be re-seated and not let her know.

When we arrived in Atlanta it was raining. The pilot told us that we would be CIRCLING while we waited to land. Oh my. Then we had the bumps on the way down and the wind. Laura was a rather odd color of green, white and gray...but she did not use her airsickness bag. While clutching my hands together, I turned to Laura as we approached the landing and asked her if she had noticed that we were hurtling toward the ground at a very high rate of speed. She had. I started praying and simultaneously quoting Yosemite Sam, "whoa, mule, whoa." As we bounced and skidded on landing (followed by a major shift in luggage and passengers) I was preparing my first comments to make to my Lord and Saviour. The plane finally stopped and we were off to meet our driver who would pick us up and take us to Atlanta-ish. Usually we bounce around on a shuttle for hours, so this was going to be a real treat.

He was right on time and very nice, but he must had a secret desire to be a race car driver or one of the Dukes of Hazard because we literally flew through the city on our way to the hotel. At one point I think we were airborne, but I couldn't not tell from the cloud of his cologne in the car. We got out and Art, dear sweet Art, was there to meet us. Like two stressed, tired children our first words to him were, "We're hungry!" As Art knows us so well, he had food waiting. He is so good to us. We are a family. Sugar Daddy didn't let us down.

The course was great, it was so fun and such an honor to present with Marsha. She is so funny and it all blended together so well. It really was a great time. We went to Ray's on the River for dinner and had a really nice time. We did not get enough time with Sugar Daddy as he had three courses going on. We took pictures with Marsha and will post them. That is a story in itself about Laura and I in photos with our enormous heads, wild hair, googly eyes, bubble butts and signs of aging...but that will have to wait for another day.

The Christmas Gift

2008-11-30T07:19:00.000-06:00

Big snowflakes are falling right now. I have Christmas music playing and I am sipping coffee sitting by my tree. It is so pretty. I am feeling very blessed and very, very thankful.

I love Christmas. Christmas carries a magic with it that I never outgrow. Our series at church this month has been Live Like You are Dying. It has been a great series. We have had really good discussions in our small group. In all these days of stress about the economy, worries about the events in this world, we need perspective. David gave us little post-it notes at church last night and we are supposed to label things around us as "temporary"...the things we put too much value on, the things we worry about too much. They are temporary. We need to keep our hearts and minds focused on what truly matters. God has set eternity inside us. When we accept what Jesus did for us, He is the bridge to God and we receive the only gift that matters. Now, because of that gift, I will grow old, but only on the outside, I may die, but no illness can kill me. The worse thing that can happen is I go to heaven. The Land of the Living lies ahead...what can worry me now?

Especially at Christmas I am always drawn to the love of a Saviour who would put on humanity and join us here...knowing what was to come. It started at the manger but the cross was always waiting for Him. What Jesus did for us on that cross is more than words can ever say. I am so moved by the way His love is portrayed in the Shack when Mack is before the judge and has to make a choice...I won't give it away, but if you have read it, you know what I am talking about. If you haven't read it, I really recommend that you do so. The messages are so deep and thought provoking and resonate deeply.

I think I am only just developing an inkling of awareness of who my God is, how deep, how unmeasurable His love is and how he suffers when we reject Him. But only because of the gift He gave to me and no other reason, I have eternity to get to know Him and love Him more. He put a light inside us that never dims, never fades and never ends. So in this hustle and bustle and Christmas craziness, take a deep breath, focus on what matters..sharing that love with others, caring for people and never forgetting the one gift that matters.

Mine Field

2008-11-27T05:31:00.001-06:00

OK, these guys I live with are getting even more dangerous. This morning at 5am there were four dog toys and two huge pairs of motorcycle boots in the front room. Luckily these booby traps were illuminated by the gentle glow of my Christmas tree.

However, one should know that I have been known to trip and fall on nothing at all. I tripped one time as I walked into the bathroom in a hotel room and almost landed head first in the toilet bowl. My enormous head saved me from a dunking. Laura laughed until she cried.

Come to think of it, when Laura and I travel, she has shoes in the way of my bed to bathroom path too...could it be a conspiracy?

Random Thoughts, Booby Traps and Senility

2008-11-25T05:15:00.000-06:00

Good morning. I felt terrible yesterday. I was grouchy and "easily annoyed" and I had a bad case of what Luke used to call The Owies. Nothing felt right, back hurt, lungs hurt, arms went numb...so I expect the Grim Reaper to be targeting me with a big ol' case of the Mega Hunga Munga for the holidays and my upcoming trip to Atlanta. I can hear Laura yelling "Rally Ho, Rally" in my ears. She simply choses to overcome life threatening illness after 16 hours of sleep and teaches for two days. I linger and whine...I woke up feeling better this morning though. But my 'feel good' did not last long.

Last night I got my hair cut. I had to do it, I looked like a sheepdog. Now I told Stacey to cut it vs trim, but boy we got talking and she CUT it. (If I was a hairdresser and started talking every client would be bald) My bangs are shorter than I want them to be, bringing me back to all my childhood photos where my mom attempted to cut my bangs by putting pink hair tape (totally bizarre concept) across my forehead. Now Stacey got them straight, mom always angled up and a bit to the right. Don't you wish you could just pull on your hair and lengthen it a bit? I had crazy dreams last night that I woke up with a weave. Extensions down to my back. Hilarious.

So out of this haze of crazy hair dreams...I woke up. It was hard to get up this morning. I stumbled through my dark house (4:50am, slept in) to a obstacle course. I have decided that something happens in my house between the hours of 10pm and 4am. I don't know if Luke, Randy and Shadow lay booby traps out for me or if this is just the fate of a female with 3 males or what. But Shadow takes every ball and chew toy (10 at least) and drops them strategically throughout the house. I step on these things or ride one like log rolling in the dark across my deadly ceramic tile (already broke an elbow on it) to the coffee maker. Now, if you are one of the three people who read this post, you are saying to yourself, "turn on a light MOron". Good point. But as the Early Riser, I ease into my day, light is slowly experienced and it should be noted that I sensed the minefields ahead and flipped on the light only to be blinded and I tripped on stuff anyway. Shadow had been chewing on toys and I also stepped in what I hope was "dog spit."

So I flipped off the light and my cell phone was blaring away on alarm mode. I went to get it on the counter again in the dark (but now seeing spots from the light) and did so not knowing that Luke had left the cabinet door open and pointed out directly head level. I got a new part in my hair this morning. He also left the pineapple out on the counter all night. I had to pitch it. I had brief flashes of myself as Homer and Luke as Bart as I squeezed his neck and shook him back and forth.

After brief cursing and moments of disorientation and pain I turned my attention to my 90 lb lap dog. Shadow continued to bounce back and forth telling me to fill his dish with dog food. I am losing my memory (wonder why?) these days and I often have to ask myself if I fed him or not. He has benefitted from seconds at times I am sure and now I think he knows I am senile and he tries to play on this. He will stand in front of me and stare. I think he hopes he can pull one over on me. Ah Senility, has it's benefits.

But the booby traps were not over. Randy has the Christmas tree on a timer to light up for me and I safely ventured into the front room and followed a trail of book bag, my computer with no charge left, guitar picks, electric guitar, iPod cables, video games, big bowl of pineapple juice, glasses, PopTart wrappers and knew Luke had been there. Shadow had spread toys everywhere. Luke and Randy's socks and blankets and video game controllers were everywhere too. I cleaned everything up and now here I sit, still seeing stars...and sharing my random thoughts.

Shadow is staring at me.

A Great Day

2008-11-23T19:50:00.000-06:00

Hi. Had most of the day to myself. "My Boys" were off to Sullivan. I stayed home and worked on the house and started decorating for Christmas. I put the tree up as we are going to be busy all weekend. I watched White Christmas while I put it up. It was great. I was very relaxed. I slept late, didn't work on anything but the house, I only played on the computer. I read my books and enjoyed myself.

Shadow kept me company. He must have seen something or someone must have been outside on the sidewalk because boy did he growl.... I almost never hear that from him, but when he does it, it sounds pretty ominous. He came over and stood by me and then sneezed about 12 times. He is my protector. When I am home by myself he does that if delivery men come to the door or if the yard guy shows up. I didn't see anyone anywhere though. He is the best dog. I love him so much. The rest of the day, he was curled up at my feet, snoring away.

It was a great day. The boys came home, I didn't have to cook as we picked up dinner. I am not ready to go to work. I am ready for Thanksgiving!

Disney

2008-11-21T15:51:00.000-06:00

Hi
My tickets for Disney came in today. I am so excited. It should be great fun. I am really looking forward to the trip, just need a way to take care of Shadow and I will have no worries. Last time we tried to go to Disney, two hurricanes chased us away before our trip was over. So Mickey, here I come again. I just hope we have great weather.

I am also looking into a spring vacation with my mom to San Diego. That should be great fun as well. Life is too short to work all the time. I keep trying to get Dr. Fishbein to stop pushing me to edit journal articles on my day off but that is a battle I shall never win.