The Week Before Christmas '11

Hello Blog, Old Friend
Shadow and I are sitting in the living room by the tree. It is Sunday and the sun is not even up yet. I have a big cup of coffee, three Kolacky cookies and my old friend by my feet. Shadow is now looking at me to request something else to eat. I started giving him small amounts of bread and he is a big fan. My eleven year old friend is an ever constant source of comfort and unfailing love. I worry if he will be here with me next year this time.

So what has been going on this year? Professionally, Laura and I are still working at Koke Mill and traveling the globe speaking. We love Memorial. We are busy at The Center for Selective Eating and Pediatric Feeding Disorders. We have built our SIU Koke Mill Pediatric Swallowing Clinic with Dr. Ettema into a thriving clinic. Sandy presented with us this year. We did two courses with our beloved Mark Fishbein. Laura, Mark and I went to Alaska and saw first hand one of the most beautiful places on earth. Lots of people want us to speak and we are still being interviewed by media. We have just been invited to speak at Cincinnati Children's Hospital in the fall of '12. That was the big one and it is now in the bag. I am still trying to finish that darn book #3. Randy and I are abundantly blessed to have our home and family. I love him more every year. We are thinking about our future after he retires. Mom and Dad are a source of never ending comfort to me. I miss Chrissy and am glad Alicia is close by and happy. I love my nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles and friends very deeply. Luke is a senior, the football team just won back to back 4A state championships in football and high school is coming to an end. He and his girlfriend broke up and he is hurting and I am hurting for him. That started the sequence of changes around here. Well let's just say it started my eyes focusing on changes that I did not want to see.

Time...change and more change...I always become so reflective this time of year. Words fill my head, my heart and I search for the words of others, I cling to the words of My God . Blake, our minister, comforted me greatly with God's words through him the last two Saturdays at church. He said two weeks ago to write down all the things that concern, that worry or scare you on a list. Then, over that, in larger print to write down one word. The Word...Jesus. It helped me and I even made word art of mine.

I am craving words of comfort. I have been repeating bible verses that are etched on my heart throughout the day, "I lift mine eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? It comes from the Lord, maker of the heaven and earth"..."raise a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it"..."fear not for I am with thee, be not afraid, for I am thy God, I will strengthen thee, I will help thee, I will hold thee up with my righteous right hand" and "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging". That last one was a gift from my dear Alia Probst, Head of the Department of Teenage Central Illinois Angels on Earth. Thank you Alia. You helped in ways you cannot imagine.

I don't sound very Christmasy, do I?

Well, I am and I am not. I am never unaware of the miracle, the beauty of Christmas and the act that symbolizes God's unending love for us. But this year, worry is in my heart. Worry for Luke and his broken heart, worry for what the future holds for him and if he will let God guide his path. Will he choose the right college? Will he go and reach his potential? Will he see beyond the right now? Will he know how important these steps are to his future happiness? Will he sacrifice his happiness? Is he strong enough to survive a world that is hard and uncertain?

I wish I knew. But in these last weeks since Thanksgiving, I am learning slowly and reluctantly that only he can write his story. I had to let go of my son this week. He gave me a not so gentle push out of my own nest and I needed it but I hated every minute of it. I had to see eighteen for what it is and let go. I have to let him fall down if he is going to fall down and I have to let him get up on his own. I feel the pain of the fall but it is not my fall. The steps and the direction he will take are up to him. He might walk toward a too busy street or stumble down a dangerous path, but I have to sit and let him find his way on his own. I can watch but not act. That bit of information does not come to new parents in the hospital. That time continuum that seems like yesterday to me instead of almost two decades ago. No one tells you that part of it. They just give you this 100% dependent, fragile, tiny creature to take home and keep alive. You have a 24/7 job to do and little room for mistakes.

You never think you will be up to the job. You make mistakes, miss an ear infection, feed them too much, bump their heads, cut their skin with baby nail clippers and cry over your failings. You relax and do better, but then a teacher report makes you doubt yourself all over again. There are ups and downs and life gets busy and then high school starts to draw to a close. Then one day at the time of the biggest changes in their lives, you get notice that you have to stop doing what you still think is your job. You have to undo your mother instincts and put them away and try to hide the fact that your heart is breaking. You have to let go of the hand you once held so tightly. You have to trust that you gave them something to sustain them and try to deal with the doubts that you did it all so terribly wrong. Parenting is not for the faint of heart. It is not easy to take your love, your worry, your concern, your instinct to take a bullet for them and try to stop all their struggles, all the pain, heal all wounds. Where do you put that? How do you be a mother who cannot hug and hold, how do you push it down? I don't know how to do it, I don't like it...but it is necessary for me to learn. I shall do so with tears and probably with more than the occasional swear word under my breath.

For me, it also taps into my biggest source of pain, my deepest regret and question about my circumstances in life, my loss that will not be filled..the fact that I have only one child. I should probably go talk to someone about that or spend a lot of time in prayer about it. Or both. I see myself as now unemployed in the world of being a mom. I don't have a second go around before the empty nest. The nest is pretty damn empty except for dirty clothes and wet towels still on the floor. I don't like it and it seems to mark bigger changes in the future.

Life has shifted once more. I need to take my own advice and not just see the "right here, this moment" side of this huge fault that has opened in my heart and know that God has more in store for me too.

So today, the week before Christmas I prepare my heart for you, my God. Tomorrow as work week winds down for me and I step away to take the two weeks off that sustain me for the year. I will stop trying so hard. I will step back instead of forward. I will wait. I will focus on You. I will lift my eyes to the hills, wait for the shifting landscape to settle in to the new here and now. I will not let go of your hand, my Abba. I ran ahead of You again, didn't I? Let's sit and rest a while so I can hear your voice.