Jeremiah 30:17 "But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds," declares the Lord

As many of you know, I am trying to recover from pneumonia, which has now become pericarditis and a pulmonary problem. Lots of uncertainty, lots of ups and downs and scary nights (like this one) when I can't breathe and I feel like I am never going to get well. I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall. Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday cannot come soon enough. I will see the specialist and find out what my prognosis is from his perspective. But all of this is simply a guess. Only God knows.

I don't know what to expect each day and I dread the nights. This has been the first time something has lingered like this with no end in site. I am better but now have this new problem that results in chest pain, weakness, shaking and sudden bronchospasms. I never know when it is going to strike again. I am no longer captain of my ship. I am in the storm. I have worried and struggled, I have had to set all my plans aside. The world as I know it has stopped. It is not on my time table anymore.

There is much that I don't know day to day now, but I know the One who does know. For me that is going to have to be enough.

I am going to have to lay down the guilt about not being at work, the anxiety about disappointing everyone, the fear in the middle of the night, the worry that something else is wrong...I am going through a test and I don't hear My Lord, My Abba's voice when I call Him. But as Rick Warren says, "The Teacher does not talk to you during a test." I am waiting. I don't hear Him but I know with certainty that He is sitting right beside me in the middle of the night. His arms are around me when my chest hurts or my heart races or when tears of frustration fall. He allowed me to be put on the shelf.

He is God. I am Cheri. He loves me, I love Him, but I am not in control of this. I feel like I am tossed in the wind up and down day to day. But I am not, He directs my paths and knows what comes in each of the moments of my life. I have to tell myself "My Lord knows all about this." I have to reach for Him during the test. I need to put myself at His feet and wait for His time. I will go to Him by reading my bible and praying or just listening to music. I want to be with Him. I will ask Him to heal me but my love for him and devotion to Him is not tied to healing me. I am His to crush or restore. I am His while I draw breathe and after I stop. I am His and assured of life with Him that does not end.

So I throw in the towel, I will stop planning my return to this schedule and that agenda for next week and I will ask Abba to forgive me for doing my own thing so often and not being tuned in enough to what He wants from me.

My body has stopped so my ears can hear.
It is time to listen.