"The Spaces In Between...."

My dear friend Alicia just wrote the most beautiful post in answer to what I wrote on the Food Chaining blog about children and families with special needs. That was a hard thing to write. I don't think I have ever put words to the emotions around what led me to be a mother of "only one" child. If you would like to read it all of it, go to my Chaining blog and then go to her blog, Road Less Traveled (see links below). I have had her words in my head and on my heart all week. See, this has been some kind of week...

Life is a mix of dark and light, hard and soft, up and down and basically that is what makes it your life. A Tapestry, if you will think of it that way. Alicia's blog was about the silences, the spaces in between where you find harmony and the moments of stillness that get us through the hills and valleys...I guess I get too caught up in both the highs and lows and I miss the spaces too often.

So what happened this week?

First and foremost, my Chrissy, my baby sister is back in the hospital. She has a blood clot again. She will have surgery on Monday to place a stent and for thoracic outlet surgery. Mom suffers immensely when anything happens to one of us. She was catatonic the day I had my tonsils out at age 7. So imagine how she is with Chrissy in the ICU. I told her when this happened that God knows all about it and He allowed it, so there is a reason. They have now found that she has this problem with blood flow and they are going to try to fix it. We pray that this will be the answer for her. Her health is always on my mind. She is the most amazing person I know. Only Chrissy could beg to be released from the hospital for Megan's birthday and put on the most magical party imaginable. She didn't let this stop her. She looked and found the spaces in between the good and the bad, the scary...she found her life there and she kept going. So today, my heart is full with my love for Chrissy.



Today is also my dear cousin Kevin's wedding day. I had planned to be there, Mom and Dad had planned to be there...it is such a special day. Sometimes, love is slow to arrive, but when it does, it is so worth it. Love came to Kevin after heartbreak, like it did for me. Kevin is a fighter and survivor. He has had dark days and days full of light. He made himself a great life finding the spaces in between. He is an amazing man and I know that many days of joy lie ahead for him. I am not there, Kevin, but I am there with you. I take so much joy in knowing that God led you to the one person He planned for you to find. May you be blessed all the days of your life together.

Which leads me to my life, this week marks 20 years of marriage with the love of my life, my dearest, my most amazing Randy. He is literally my answer to prayers...my heart and my soul are absolutely filled with love for this wonderful man. To tell you that I love him more every day not as a cliche, but the absolute truth. I do. I understand how "the two become one" in time, it takes time for a marriage to grow...I feel it happening more and more. I see it in the wonderful long marriage of our friends Mike and Debbie. We will celebrate with them this week. I see it in the marriages of members of my extended family. Marriages built around God's love for us. Now, I have always been a little bit afraid to truly let go and put down that last wall around my heart...I have, for my own reasons, always held something back. Some of that "too good to be true" stuff rattling around in the closet of my low self esteem. But I am going to jump in, put fear aside and for all the moments, days and hopefully years we have left together, I will love him with abandon. We have been so blessed in our life together and I am so thankful to God for bringing Randy to me. Sometimes we ride the bike together and I just squeeze the heck out of him with a huge bear hug when I am overcome by how much he fills my heart. So happy anniversary, my Randy. I am so honored to be your wife.

Tonight is the Homecoming dance. Rochester won the big game last night (that is an understatement) and Luke will soon be getting ready to go pick up his date. These events seem so poignant to me now. Proms, dances, seeing Luke grow up and experience the events of life that were so fun and so meaningful to me. The seasons of life are passing...I see him growing up and I also see my face changing in the mirror before me. Time is evident in the bit of gray that finally showed in my Dad's hair, the beauty of my mom's face, Megan and Matthew growing more every day, Rachel looking like a teenager now, Ryan in college, Christopher getting taller and taller...time rushes by in a blur sometimes, doesn't it?

I like it though. This bittersweet life God has given me. If you are struggling, find those moments of peace, if you are on the mountaintop, take time to savor it. If you are somewhere in the middle, that is part of the journey. Those days have value too.

I don't know what lies ahead for all of us, but I know the One who does.