Letting Go and Holding On

Hi. Had a great weekend at home with my guys. A couple of things stand out in my mind from this weekend though as I sit here and prepare for this day to begin. I received an email from one of my closest friends. Her heart is breaking because her daughter is starting school. They have never been separated. No daycare, no preschool. So this is a big, big step. The first of many my dear friend will face in the act of parenting and toward letting go.
Then, we went to church on Saturday with our friends. Had a great time. Our sermon at church this week was about God. About Who He is and His love for us. It was about holding on.

Isn't that what life and parenting are all about? Knowing when to hold on and when to let go? The older I get, the more I value moments in my life. The more I see my life like seasons. My mom tells me it makes her sad to see school supplies. She remembers buying them for us. I understand that as I walk by the crayons and go to the protractors and scientific calculators. I treasure things more, those moments with my parents, just being with Randy and spending time talking to Luke. Luke's 16 years have passed in a blur. I remember telling my friend many years ago, that my job was to help Luke be strong enough to stand on his own. The art of knowing when to let go at the right time and when to catch him when he started to fall.

It is not easy to let go. That first grasp of your finger by your new baby is eventually released and that moment begins a long series of goodbyes. Releasing your child's hand to take his first steps, letting go of the back of the bike to watch him pedal away, holding hands walking to the door of the school and then releasing hands. As your child grows it becomes letting go to be away from you for sleep-overs, school trips and week long church trips. Then the big ones start, releasing the keys of the car, remembering to breathe as you listen to the car start and pull out of the drive, packing for college, walking down the aisle and finally, waving goodbye as your child starts a life truly on his own. I have seen many of those steps, I have released Luke's hand many times and I will tell you, it leaves a mark. Bittersweet. But letting go is my job.

Now, I am God's child and He loves me. We have a bittersweet love too. I have hurt and wounded Him. He loves me anyway. I know that all parent child relationships have that quality of joy and pain. The sermon this weekend was good, but when you think about it, there are no words that can ever truly capture the essence of God. No human sounds can be created that resonate deeply enough or articulate fully enough to describe holiness. I think if you asked me about who God is or what God is, I would only be able to say one word to you. Abba. The word for God that is closest to "Daddy." A beautiful word, a holy word, a quiet and still word. The closest thing we have to calling His name.
When Randy and I rode the bike the other night, the moon was out, the stars were shining and wind was in my face. I thought of God as I always do on the bike. Creation calls His name. I wondered what He was thinking about and where He was. Then the moonlight hit the water and it shimmered. It was so beautiful and I thought, "Oh, there you are Abba." I could feel Him with me.

He Is Everywhere. All the time, always with me. That simple and that complex, He just Is, the Great I Am.

The sermon talked about challenges that we face in this life, the valleys we walk through and how we invariably and sometimes angrily ask ourselves where God is in these times of trouble. See here in lies the problem. We let go. With God, the lesson is to always..hold..on. When bad things happen we want to know why He was not on watch.

Do you ever wonder if God asks us where we are?

I am very comforted by the constant presence of my Abba. It is an illusion that I am on my own. I may think that I am but He will never leave me. Once I give Him my hand, I am never alone. That is all I have to do, open my hand. Nothing on heaven or earth can separate us. He helps me know that I will never lose those I love. That Forever waits for us all to be together. Luke will grow up and have his own walk with Abba. Luke has things to do and a purpose for being here, just as I do. Luke is not alone. When he was little, God held one hand and I held the other. As he grows up, I have to let go, but God still holds on. He holds on to me too. He will hold my hand as I say other goodbyes in life. As I face loss and grief but with hope. When I struggle, when I know fear and uncertainty. When clouds gather and the sky seems dark and frightening. I will was always feel His hand in mine. There is such comfort in that.

So do not fear when it is time to let go of her hand today, my friend, your child does not walk alone and remember the true lesson in this life is to open your hand. He holds on, no matter what you are facing, He holds on.