Warrior Moments

Today, I ran for 65 minutes. My speed, my distance, all improving. My grit and determination most of all. I ran on my treadmill. No one understands this process but me. I don't need to run a race or with other people. I will get there when I am ready to do it. If I am not ready, I won't. I run at home for many reasons, one to try to avoid to horror of injury. I have fallen down the rabbit hole many times. Last year I couldn't stand up straight because of 9 months of vertigo and dizziness. Injured and not getting better, daily pain, months of PT, pain pills that rip my insides to shreds, fatigue and anger. I don't want that back. It wasn't easy, but I have learned to overcome. I overcame the injury when Luke was a baby, I overcame the car wreck, I overcame the neck injury, I overcame the illness that left me with vertigo, I overcame the flare up and mystery several years ago that almost killed me, I overcame the illness last year that took my balance away for 9 months. I did not back off. Dr. Harney told me I have a stubborn streak that serves me well and he yelled at a table of suits at the hospital (bad place) who were trying to fire me as damaged goods. I was refined by those fires and I value them now.

And it is so much more than that, I run here because at any time I CAN stop. I am not away from my car, I am not out in the country forced to run home, I run here because I can stop and I choose not to. I run in my own mind, I find my own determination.

This is my time to shut off my mind as much as possible and reach down deep. I find a place where I focus my eye on one spot on the wall and I decide to stay every minute. To reach, to accomplish more. My knees are driving me crazy and the PT ideas are helping, but I need to do this. I need to break this wall down. Like I broke down others. Physically I have always been weak, hypotonic and put together with spare parts. This is the obstacle I have never fought. Now I do.

For myself.
For Alicia. I do.
This is the time to tap the inner warrior like I have before.

In my life I have chosen the hard road over the easy one. I am not afraid of it. Because I don't walk it alone. I grew up with a huge and incredibly sensitive heart. My feelings can be obliterated easily. Love is not easy for me. All my life I have faced rejection in many forms. Rejections that have left huge scars and bring tears to my eyes as I write. But I love anyway. With a bleeding and wounded heart. I remember the crossroad moments, when I watched my Dad leave our home. When my life I planned shattered around me on my graduation day at EIU. I could have chosen bitterness. I chose love. Dad came home. I loved again. But I destroyed myself with anorexia for two years. I made myself suffer. I punished that ugly little girl that no one wanted. Then, I pulled myself out of it. Alone. A warrior. I kept my heart open. I know in this life I will probably love everyone in my life at some level, more than they love me.
Except for One, the One.

One who came in to my wounded heart as I was sitting on my Grandfather's knee.
One who puts my capability for love and selflessness and compassion to shame.
One who fills in the brokenness in my heart.
One who saved me.
One who is Love.

I have accomplished many things in my life. I have learned not to fear. He helps me be a warrior. I have learned to achieve. To build what I want and to rebuild it again when others tore it down. I have learned to climb the mountain, to dive into life, to jump and not worry about the landing because I ask God where and when to jump. I have learned to find strength from the negative energy of those who only want to tear, to rend and destroy. I have learned to fuel myself with their doubt and discouragement.

I have learned to be a warrior.

I have learned to pray and I am still learning that life long lesson. Not just to say a word or two, not just to make a request list, or recite words, but to open up, quiet my mind and find Him. I am trying to be transparent and focused, but I just can't do it for very long before this world crowds in on me. I can do it when I write my prayers to Him. But I am going to try to find that place in my heart, in my mind and in my soul, when I run. Or say nothing but have Him in my heart and soul. I lift my hand at times when I run. I lift my heart. I want to fill my soul. The music fills my ears and tears fill my eyes. If I tumble off that treadmill, I will get back up and run again. Today I decided that no matter what, I was not stopping.
I did it. Didn't like some of it, but I like it now. I like being a warrior.

I sense something coming. I think there is more for me to do. Something that requires physical strength and endurance. Something that will allow me to use my gifts for my Savior. Some kind of mission work or something, I don't know. I am waiting for Him to tell me.

I just need to be open. To be strong. To be a warrior. That path ahead is uncertain and I cannot be afraid.