Grandma and Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa
They taught me so much!

Friday, March 16, 2012

49 Years and 1 Day

It is March 16, 2012 and it is 82 degrees in Illinois. That is NOT typical weather for our state. It has been an extremely mild winter, if you can even call it winter this year. The trees are budding out, the birds are singing and the bugs are going to be the size of Volkswagons this year. But I am not complaining. This is the day the Lord has made and I am sitting on the porch with Shadow at my feet as the sun is sliding down the sky. Randy is working on the motorcycle. He has some parts painted and is putting it all back together. This is the first day of Luke's spring break. He is running around with Amanda somewhere. I am thankful for my life.

I am blessed to have had lunch today with my parents. I met them in Decatur at Aloha. I love them very much. I talked to my sister Alicia on the phone today and I will have lunch with her on Sunday. Chrissy is on vacation with her family and I hope she is having a good time. Luke is ending his senior year and we are glad to see high school come to an end. I don't know what his future holds for him, I pray that God will show him the way and continue to bless his life. Randy and I are still very, very much in love and beginning a new chapter of our lives too as Luke will start college.

I have a job that I love and I get to make a career out of helping children. It doesn't get better than that. I work with amazing, talented, giving people and they take very good care of Laura and I. I made a life long friend with my dear Michelle. In February I marked my fifth year at Memorial. Leaving St John's in 2007 was the best decision I ever made. Working with Dr. Ettema has taught me so much, I am twice the therapist I was in 2007. By making that move, I learned to take life by the handlebars and form a new path when the old one wasn't working. I prayed for so long that things would improve at St John's and I asked God to change me too. I did not move until He told me to do so and when He did, I acted immediately. I picked up the phone and changed my life. I was empowered by the choice and inspired that I did it with God at my side. Every aspect of that move fell into place because it was planned for me.

Randy can hopefully retire in the next 2 or 3 years and find something else to do that makes him happy. We both have a goal to get in good shape and be strong and healthy. We are doing P90X and we are stiff and sore but still going.

My mom told me today that the older you get, it seems like you start one new decade birthday and before you know it, you are starting the next. Time does go fast but it does not worry me. I am completely peaceful and content with however many days God gives me. All that is me will not end. We are eternal in Him and my life is just a speck right now of all the time ahead. I am not afraid. My deepest sense of blessed assurance comes because I am loved and love my Savior. Nothing else matters but that and no matter what tomorrow brings, it is enough.

So this is my farewell to my 40's year. I am scheduled with courses throughout this year. Laura and I have been asked to present at Cincinnati Children's Hospital and that is the ultimate compliment. We start traveling again in two weeks. It will be a very busy season but we are taking the summer off. Last year it seemed like we just fell into summer but this year, 70's and 80's are in the forecast well in next week. The grass is green, Easter is coming and my soul feels like one of these budding trees. God is making all things new.

I am happy and thankful and cannot think of one thing that I want other than what I have right now. I am blessed beyond belief and my heart is overfilling with gratitude. I hope God is blessing your life too and keep all of you in my prayers.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

The Last Day of My Christmas Vacation

Well, back to work tomorrow. Bum-mer. I am not ready yet but here it is. I had a very good vacation I am happy to say. It didn't look too promising in the beginning but things took a turn for the better. We had a nice Christmas Eve and great Christmas day. Lots of cool gifts, I am so blessed. Everyone has a Keurig now and Mom is searching for bargain prices for K-cups for all of us. Between phones, iPads and Garmins, we are all more tech savvy for 2012. The Disney trip was great but too short. I am happy to say I am going to book another one for December. Can I start counting the days yet? I also got a full week at home with my wonderful dog. I love being home. I did not open my computer even one time to do work. A new record. Thank you Laura!
There are things I am looking forward to this year, God willing. Luke has a big year ahead and graduation and deciding where to go to school. He has lots of options, SIU-E, SIU-C, ISU, EIU, WIU or to start at Lincoln Land if he wants to. We will see where and how God leads him. Trying to schedule a get together with our friends John and Tricia. I have missed them so much. Laura and I will hit the road running starting this month with presentations and conferences. Busy year for Preemietalk already as we are going to Kentucky, Utah, Florida and in the fall we are presenting at Cincinnati Children's. We have that damn book to finish. On the home front, Randy and I have a date at an Illini game the first week of March. Our small group is always great fun and is so good for me on Wednesday nights. As soon as winter breaks a bit, we will put more miles on the motorcycle. In June I am taking my mom to The Little Theater to see Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. My parents are trying to come up on Thursdays when I am not working. We are going to start doing more fun things around the area. So that is a good start. In August, my friend Michelle and I will go again to the Global Leadership Summit, right My Michelle?
I will need to find new obsessions...American Idol returns, Illinois basketball, some new gadget or device...probably an iPhone for me in March. I may retire my Droid. A busy girl like me needs some great toys, right?
So grudgingly, grumbling I return to life as I know it. I am blessed to have my job and I know that (blah, blah, blah) but having no schedule, setting no alarm clock, eating when I am hungry, sleeping when I am tired and having no agenda has been a true blessing. I will miss it until next year. Mickey Mouse, we have a date!

Monday, December 26, 2011

Merry Christmas 2011

We had a very nice Christmas. Christmas Eve, Mom, Dad, Hazel, Luke, Alicia and the kids and I had dinner at my house. Luckily, everyone was starving to death and that makes my cooking more bearable. We had Italian beef, baked potato cheese soup, tortilla pinwheels, cheeseball, salsa, taquitos, chips and dips, veggie tray, shrimp, meatballs and lots of desserts from chocolate silk pie to fruit pizza. We got Hazel a little Christmas birdhouse, calendar (she always wants one), old fashion soup bowls and soup mixes.
Christmas morning we opened our gifts. I surprised Randy for the second time in 22 years with a new iPhone 4S and Otterbox. He also got Illini tickets. He got me a new shark steamer for the floors (yea!!!), iTunes card and a new bible. I cleaned the floors right after breakfast. Luke got a bunch of clothes, iTunes, P90X, video games, noise reducing headphones and movies for the portable DVD player that Aunt Alicia gave him. He also got SIU-C sweatpants. Yeah!
We had a wonderful meal at Alicia's house last night. Her house was beautiful. This was the year of the Keurig. I bought one for Mom and Dad, but Chrissy sent them one too. So Mom and Dad's became Alicia's and mom bought one for me. We all bought each other boxes of coffee pods. My Keurig is red and I love it. Brewed coffee last night...probably why I am up right now, but no problem with that. Getting ready to head to Disney and Coronado Springs. We are driving which should be a real adventure. I am praying that we have a good trip. My baby dog is being taken care of while I am away. Mom, Dad and Alicia will house sit and John is taking care of the rest. Shadow is in good hands. So I am very happy about that.
Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas too. God is so good to us. Blessed beyond measure and so very thankful.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

The Week Before Christmas '11

Hello Blog, Old Friend
Shadow and I are sitting in the living room by the tree. It is Sunday and the sun is not even up yet. I have a big cup of coffee, three Kolacky cookies and my old friend by my feet. Shadow is now looking at me to request something else to eat. I started giving him small amounts of bread and he is a big fan. My eleven year old friend is an ever constant source of comfort and unfailing love. I worry if he will be here with me next year this time.

So what has been going on this year? Professionally, Laura and I are still working at Koke Mill and traveling the globe speaking. We love Memorial. We are busy at The Center for Selective Eating and Pediatric Feeding Disorders. We have built our SIU Koke Mill Pediatric Swallowing Clinic with Dr. Ettema into a thriving clinic. Sandy presented with us this year. We did two courses with our beloved Mark Fishbein. Laura, Mark and I went to Alaska and saw first hand one of the most beautiful places on earth. Lots of people want us to speak and we are still being interviewed by media. We have just been invited to speak at Cincinnati Children's Hospital in the fall of '12. That was the big one and it is now in the bag. I am still trying to finish that darn book #3. Randy and I are abundantly blessed to have our home and family. I love him more every year. We are thinking about our future after he retires. Mom and Dad are a source of never ending comfort to me. I miss Chrissy and am glad Alicia is close by and happy. I love my nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles and friends very deeply. Luke is a senior, the football team just won back to back 4A state championships in football and high school is coming to an end. He and his girlfriend broke up and he is hurting and I am hurting for him. That started the sequence of changes around here. Well let's just say it started my eyes focusing on changes that I did not want to see.

Time...change and more change...I always become so reflective this time of year. Words fill my head, my heart and I search for the words of others, I cling to the words of My God . Blake, our minister, comforted me greatly with God's words through him the last two Saturdays at church. He said two weeks ago to write down all the things that concern, that worry or scare you on a list. Then, over that, in larger print to write down one word. The Word...Jesus. It helped me and I even made word art of mine.

I am craving words of comfort. I have been repeating bible verses that are etched on my heart throughout the day, "I lift mine eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? It comes from the Lord, maker of the heaven and earth"..."raise a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it"..."fear not for I am with thee, be not afraid, for I am thy God, I will strengthen thee, I will help thee, I will hold thee up with my righteous right hand" and "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging". That last one was a gift from my dear Alia Probst, Head of the Department of Teenage Central Illinois Angels on Earth. Thank you Alia. You helped in ways you cannot imagine.

I don't sound very Christmasy, do I?

Well, I am and I am not. I am never unaware of the miracle, the beauty of Christmas and the act that symbolizes God's unending love for us. But this year, worry is in my heart. Worry for Luke and his broken heart, worry for what the future holds for him and if he will let God guide his path. Will he choose the right college? Will he go and reach his potential? Will he see beyond the right now? Will he know how important these steps are to his future happiness? Will he sacrifice his happiness? Is he strong enough to survive a world that is hard and uncertain?

I wish I knew. But in these last weeks since Thanksgiving, I am learning slowly and reluctantly that only he can write his story. I had to let go of my son this week. He gave me a not so gentle push out of my own nest and I needed it but I hated every minute of it. I had to see eighteen for what it is and let go. I have to let him fall down if he is going to fall down and I have to let him get up on his own. I feel the pain of the fall but it is not my fall. The steps and the direction he will take are up to him. He might walk toward a too busy street or stumble down a dangerous path, but I have to sit and let him find his way on his own. I can watch but not act. That bit of information does not come to new parents in the hospital. That time continuum that seems like yesterday to me instead of almost two decades ago. No one tells you that part of it. They just give you this 100% dependent, fragile, tiny creature to take home and keep alive. You have a 24/7 job to do and little room for mistakes.

You never think you will be up to the job. You make mistakes, miss an ear infection, feed them too much, bump their heads, cut their skin with baby nail clippers and cry over your failings. You relax and do better, but then a teacher report makes you doubt yourself all over again. There are ups and downs and life gets busy and then high school starts to draw to a close. Then one day at the time of the biggest changes in their lives, you get notice that you have to stop doing what you still think is your job. You have to undo your mother instincts and put them away and try to hide the fact that your heart is breaking. You have to let go of the hand you once held so tightly. You have to trust that you gave them something to sustain them and try to deal with the doubts that you did it all so terribly wrong. Parenting is not for the faint of heart. It is not easy to take your love, your worry, your concern, your instinct to take a bullet for them and try to stop all their struggles, all the pain, heal all wounds. Where do you put that? How do you be a mother who cannot hug and hold, how do you push it down? I don't know how to do it, I don't like it...but it is necessary for me to learn. I shall do so with tears and probably with more than the occasional swear word under my breath.

For me, it also taps into my biggest source of pain, my deepest regret and question about my circumstances in life, my loss that will not be filled..the fact that I have only one child. I should probably go talk to someone about that or spend a lot of time in prayer about it. Or both. I see myself as now unemployed in the world of being a mom. I don't have a second go around before the empty nest. The nest is pretty damn empty except for dirty clothes and wet towels still on the floor. I don't like it and it seems to mark bigger changes in the future.

Life has shifted once more. I need to take my own advice and not just see the "right here, this moment" side of this huge fault that has opened in my heart and know that God has more in store for me too.

So today, the week before Christmas I prepare my heart for you, my God. Tomorrow as work week winds down for me and I step away to take the two weeks off that sustain me for the year. I will stop trying so hard. I will step back instead of forward. I will wait. I will focus on You. I will lift my eyes to the hills, wait for the shifting landscape to settle in to the new here and now. I will not let go of your hand, my Abba. I ran ahead of You again, didn't I? Let's sit and rest a while so I can hear your voice.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Gone forever...No, there IS hope

I love to read. I read very, very fast and I read all the time. I will read so much in my lifetime that I am sure these big green eyes of mine will soon need corrective lenses. Can't believe I have lived this long without them yet. This weekend with an extra day off, I downloaded a book and curled up happy and content to read. The book was pretty good, not great, it is actually a movie now. I probably should not say which one as I don't want to spoil it for anyone...

So... if you are reading or going to see "One Day" stop reading right now. Spoiler alert.

Anyway, I was reading the final chapters and the book took a turn that I did not expect. I could see it coming in that chapter but that is not what bothered me. It was actually pretty clique for this type of book. What did bother me deeply was how the author described the death of this character.

"Then Emma Mayhew dies, and everything that she thought or felt vanishes and is gone forever.."

Everything in me reacted to that line. Everything in me that believes and hopes and has faith recoiled to that line. I could see what some believe, that this life is all we have and that death is the final curtain. It made me so sad because it doesn't have to be that way. I wanted to cry out, "No, there is more." I know it is just a fictional story, but the belief is how too many live their lives.

It left me feeling such emptiness. I don't know how they do it. I don't know how they stand at a grave and survive. I don't know how they make it through the highs and lows of this life without the Hope that comes from Him. It made me feel so bad and I called out to the God that I know watches over me to reach out to those who live without hope. Death is not the end. Death is but one door that leads to the Big Show. Death is goodbye to the earthly body, but not the thoughts, the feelings, the soul, the heart of who we are. That continues. Now, you may be saying you don't KNOW as you have not died, but I KNOW because of WHO I know. I know because of what I have seen when loved ones left this earth.


The biggest fear of so many is becoming nothing. Not continuing. Ending of all endings. But that is not the way it is. There is hope because of what Jesus did for us. "Oh Death, Where is thy victory, O' Death where is thy sting?"

He came, He loved us and He defeated death on that cross. Hope was His gift to us and Hope continues. Blessed assurance. Life without end. Everlasting to everlasting. It is not a fairy tale or an illusion. It can be so much more than the loss of every thought or feeling. There is a hope that stretches beyond the grave. My prayer is that someone somewhere reads this and asks for that blessed assurance. That is all it takes and it will be yours. No one can snatch that gift that awaits away from you. There is more to this life, so much more.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Back home from Disney vacation #4

Well, we are back. We left sunny beautiful 78 degree Orlando to return to sunny, cold, brown 10 degree Bloomington, IL. Bummer.
This year we stayed at the Caribbean resort. I really liked it. Yes, it is a moderate resort, so the room is not like the deluxe resorts we have stayed at-the Polynesian and Animal Kingdom, however, the grounds were gorgeous and the food court was above and beyond anything at the other two resorts. I loved seeing the animals in the morning at the Animal Kingdom but the food at the Mara was horrendous. The distance to the parks and extremely crowded buses became a problem for us at Animal Kingdom. That being said, the beauty of the hotel is breathtaking. The Polynesian is also a beautiful hotel and the ease of transport with the monorail and the boats are a big plus. It has two pools, one more for kids and one for adults. Ohana is a great restaurant at the Polynesian. We had an amazing meal there and I was so glad I made reservations 6 months ago. We had the best seat in the house with a beautiful view of Cinderella's castle. Captain Cooks at the Polynesian is OK for quick service options, but the variety and quality of food at the Caribbean is really impressive. I loved that the Caribbean had so many beaches, pools and hot tubs. The transportation system was very good at the Caribbean. I would definitely stay there again, I would just bring more extras next time, like more of my own shampoo, conditioner, lotion. The rooms aren't stocked as well as the other resorts and the beds aren't as nice, but the room is minor compared to the other benefits. I am already planning our next trip (that is if we don't try out Universal). If we don't return to the Caribbean, I am thinking of trying the Yacht Club. We had dinner there too at the Yachtsman and it really is a beautiful place. I may go Magic Your Way tickets next year instead of Park Hopper. Much to consider. I am comforting myself by planning my 2011 Christmas Vacation, God willing.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Why I Believe by Cheri Fraker

This week Ricky Gervais wrote an op-ed article in the Wall Street Journal about why there is no God. It was not persuasive or well thought out to say the least. I think it is so funny how we think our belief in Him or not changes anything. Celebrities tend to become quite full of themselves as evidenced when, Kirk Cameron, a Christian actor, tried recently to debate the existence of God with men who had many credentials and initials behind their names. It didn't go so well for Kirk. Why? Because Kirk's heart got ahead of him. They were speaking different languages. So, what brought this all to mind for me? This week, my friend Alicia told us in a note that her son Ewan stopped believing in Santa while her son Vaughn believes with great devotion. Ewan has autism and a critical and questioning, concrete thinking mind. He will do great things in this world, while Vaughn will probably run Disney and Industrial Light and Magic. All of this made me think this morning when I should be cleaning my house and getting ready for Christmas Eve. This life is full of questions. It may start with the end of Santa belief to some serious questioning about a carpenter from Nazareth who was born of a virgin, performed miracles, took the sin of the world upon himself, died on a cross and rose to life again. So death comes for us but it does not win. The soul lives on in Heaven.

Is our faith a fairy tale like our treasured Santa legend? Does little Ricky have the answers? Is Kirk a fool because he believes?

No Ricky does not have the answers and Kirk is not a fool. He is just a wee bit arrogant.

I will, for now, pass over the facts about science. Science supports creation and if you want to get into that debate with me, feel free to at length at a later date. I have a ton of data and facts that I can throw your way. That is not what this note is about and the facts and data are not why I believe. The facts and the data only show me that He is so much more than my human earth-bound mind can ever fathom.

I Believe with a capital B.

I believe with every fiber of my being. This is the only certainty in my entire life. The Only One.
Jesus Is, was and always will be.

He did what He said He would do. He created the Way for everyone. Everyone. What else in life is accessible to everyone that ever drew breath? He put down His life to save mine. Literally. My name is engraved on the palms of His hands. Loving Him is not a guarantee of anything except that nothing in heaven or earth will ever separate us again. I don't get a free pass on pain or suffering. He is not telling me that I will skate through this life with my heart intact or with perfect health. He does not promise me the easy way; He promises me that He will be with my along the Way. So, my belief is not based on Him doing something for me or shielding me or giving me good things. He already has done that.

No Ricky, I base my faith on knowing Him. Personally, deeply, intimately as Counselor and Friend. That is why I think it is hard to explain Him to those who don't know Him. Once He is in your heart, the created recognizes the Creator in a way that cannot be experienced by anyone else. It is individualized and personal and beautiful and Holy. It is a snowflake experience, a gift made just for You. He comes in to your life and He fills the spaces that need to be filled in our hearts. He sees YOUR pain and weakness and He heals it in based on who you are and what you need. So your relationship with Him is different than mine.

Because it is personal, for that reason it is hard to jump into listing the facts about someone you love and adore. We are not high on emotions either. He is not Santa. To know Him is to love Him. It is so intense that the feelings and the love come first to our minds. Like lovesick kids, we go to the heart of the matter because He is in our hearts. He gives us something that no one else can or ever will.

The scientific part of my mind is clouded by the love, but the scientific part of my mind still functions. I am glad that the love comes first. Just as I don't love Randy because the facts show that he is a good life partner for me; I love Randy because he is Randy. Describe your best friend, what words do you start with? You start with the words in your heart. But it does not end there.

The bible tells us that "man's wisdom is foolishness in the eyes of God". I love God because I have eyes that see. That is a big statement. So when we talk a bit about science and facts, we can also see. So, just for the wow factor of it all, let's shift scientifically... I know that my eyes are the most miraculous and awesome parts of my body. The facts about how my eyes work blow my mind. Let me share this with you just because I love reading it and seeing how big my God really is. This author, Randall Niles, describes the human eye related to his belief in God. Randall Niles was described as "the definitive skeptic, critic, and cynic. He was forged in the fires of Georgetown, Oxford, and Berkeley and his peers knew him as a "practicing atheist." Then, in what seemed to be overnight, people witnessed a dramatic shift in his life and he now believes. The facts brought him to faith because the facts are there too.


"The human eye is enormously complicated, it is a perfect and interrelated system of about 40 individual subsystems, including the retina, pupil, iris, cornea, lens and optic nerve. The retina has approximately 137 million special cells that respond to light and send messages to the brain. About 130 million of these cells look like rods and handle the black and white vision. The other seven million are cone shaped and allow us to see in color. The retina cells receive light impressions, which are translated to electric pulses and sent to the brain via the optic nerve. A special section of the brain called the visual cortex interprets the pulses to color, contrast, depth, etc., which allows us to see "pictures" of our world. Incredibly, the eye, optic nerve and visual cortex are totally separate and distinct subsystems. Yet, together, they capture, deliver and interpret up to 1.5 million pulse messages a milli-second! It would take dozens of Cray supercomputers programmed perfectly and operating together flawlessly to even get close to performing this task.

That's so powerful to me! Obviously, if all the separate subsystems aren't present and performing perfectly at the same instant, the eye won't work and has no purpose. Logically, it would be impossible for random processes, operating through gradual mechanisms of natural selection and genetic mutation, to create 40 separate subsystems when they provide no advantage to the whole until the very last state of development and interrelation. How did the lens, retina, optic nerve, and all the other parts in vertebrates that play a role in seeing suddenly come about? Because natural selection cannot choose separately between the visual nerve and the retina. The emergence of the lens has no meaning in the absence of a retina. The simultaneous development of all the structures for sight is unavoidable. Since parts that develop separately cannot be used, they will both be meaningless, and also perhaps disappear with time. At the same time, their development all together requires the coming together of unimaginably small probabilities.
The foregoing represents the core of "irreducible complexity." Complex organs made up of separate but necessary subsystems cannot be the result of random chance. Or, using the above language, such development could only result from "unimaginably small probabilities." For me, this means "statistical impossibility."
That is just the beginning of the fact debates. The tilt of the earth perfectly to support life and on and on and on. I see the stars and the heavens and I know the incredible mathematics behind the heavens defy chance. I agree with Randall about the stats, and I believe not because of the science, but because of Who He is and how I love Him.

The debate makes me weary, the debate pales in comparison to the wonders of knowing Him. The debate is tiny foolish human minds trying to comprehend the incomprehensible, the divine. That is why believers, who are blessed to know Him, always go back to the heart side of the matter.

I believe because I know Him and because we love each other.

I hope you know Him too.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

This Christmas, Put a Light in Your Window To Remember

Thanksgiving is over and this morning I am alone in the house with my thoughts. I am pulling out all the Christmas decorations and my heart is full for those I love. But this morning, my heart also aches for family and families who have recently known unbelievable loss. I want to do something, say something to try to help. There is so little that can be done except to love these families and to whisper their names to God.

So today, as I decorate my house, I will place a light in the window. I just have a little battery powered candle, but I hope that the light carries. I hope it shines up to the heavens to say "I remember." Every night, I will turn that little light on and remember so many dear ones.

I hope you will do this too.

My light will be shining tonight. My light says that I remember Kaitlyn, Christian and Nathaniel Novak, my cousin Greg's three grandchildren who died in a fire this month in Texas. My light says I remember the loss of Cody Hickey and my light shines not for the act that took Cody's life, but for who he was and the unending love of his family and friends, that remains. My light shines for the my dear friend Shannon's family who lost their dear Tiffany in a car wreck.

There are days that I wonder if my life matters at all, if I make a difference...but when you stop and think about it, these lives are all connected and each one is so important to all. So remember our soldiers and their sacrifices, remember your loved ones and hug the ones you have here with you tighter than ever. Think before you speak and take time to express what is in your heart.


I want my light to say I love you and I remember. It shines brightly for those dearest to me. Tonight my heart remembers my father in law, my grandparents, my dear Uncle Bob, my aunt Judy and Jackie Nation who taught me so much.

The light shines my little ones Alexandra, Lucas and Malachi.

And always, always, my light shines for you dear Gabriel. Gabe, you are always in my heart. Every butterfly I see reminds me of you.

Let the light shine.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Hello Again Blog O Mine

Hey Blogosphere...I must admit I have been MIA lately. Facebook and the 140 character appeal has pulled me away, but here I am on August 24, 2010 writing a note to add to my never ending diary of some shape form or fashion. So what is up? Well, Randy and I went to the Global Leadership Summit this month. August 5th and 6th to be exact. I will never miss another one. Ever. Life changing? Yep. Probably saved my life, literally. How do you describe it in words, well, as Luke says about Big Stuf and what it did for him, there are no words, "it is a just a Big Stuf thing."
There are a million phrases I could quote as this was so rich in content, so meaningful that at times it overwhelmed me, but just giving them out is like pulling threads out of a tapestry. It doesn't work. Let me just say that I learned that I was living life WRONG. I was mistaking busy-ness with being a servant. I was performing 24/7 and not taking the right kind of breaks to restore myself. As a result, I try to die every February. I am not training for the life I live. I am not taking care of the core, the physical side of my being and therefore, I have no foundation. Now this is not about willpower (we only have 5% willpower by the way) and it is not about shame. It is about scripting your life. What do you see and where are you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually and do you have any balance? I was way up in percentages spiritual, mental and emotionally and at 8% physically. I was living life at the expense of my physical wellness.
So I changed. I wrote a different story for myself. Like a tennis player I will perform and at a very high level, but I will also recover. I will fill my energy well throughout the day, not charge through my day, head down, start to finish and need three days to recover from three days of work. I want more, I need more and I owe God and my family and my friends and my patients more than that. What is my life sentence? "She helped babies and children eat safely and with joy." "She loved her God and her family with all her heart." Next question, "Are you better today than you were yesterday?" Answer: Yep. Just one more rung on the ladder, one more turn of the wheel to fuel the places in my life where I want to excel. To restore, renew and reflect. I have a goal of 60 days without wavering to add this discipline to my life and internalize it. That will be on October 7th my wedding anniversary. I am also going to change doctors and try to figure out how to prevent my yearly respiratory Chernobyl in Feb-March. I am also going to put power behind my goals and never say "I am going to try to do___" instead I am going to say, "I am going to ___" and then do it. Step by step, rung by rung, turn of the wheel by turn of the wheel, 5% better and then 5% better again. Until I reach my goals. Then I will set bigger goals.
Randy and I had a really good time going to the Summit together. We moved to Hope Church and boy, is that a church with the right name. Hope. Randy is involved with the music program and answer to my prayers, he has been asked to play in a couple bands. He loves this and once he settles down and stops being his worse critic, God will fill in the rest. It makes my heart smile to see the journey he is on. God is so good to remember our dreams.
Luke has a girlfriend that he adores. I am happy that he is happy. He has to have surgery on his shoulder on September 2nd. Please pray for him. I hope all goes well. Anesthesia and Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome are not the greatest combinations in the world. That is the scary part for us.
So life is good right now. The other day I was so struck by my blessings that I got down on the ground face down and thanked God from the bottom of my heart for making the path straight and asked Him to be with us on the days He allows it to become crooked. Ever done that? if not, I strongly recommend it. I thank Him for walking beside me, holding my hand, lifting me up, correcting me when I waver and being my Abba. He is my constant companion and dearest love.
I hope you are all well. My friends are going through rough times right now and periods of change. I wish I could make it all better for them. I can't. I don't like change, I crave routine and comfort, but change brings opportunity and growth. There was one quote from the Summit that always will stay with me, "The One we serve does not stand still, He does not leave us where we are"...I like that, even though it scares me a bit.
So I need to sign off now and go to work. I have 12 hours ahead to open my hands and my heart to others, pause and reflect, restore and renew. Hope you do the same.
Later BlogO'Babies.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Change is here...my 2010

It has been a while since I have been on my blog site. With Facebook, Twitter and texting, I have been busy. I have a book to write, but I just can't seem to get into it yet. I think I will soon, but for now, I am going to write so I can look back at this and see in my blog/diary what happened in 2010.

2010 has been an unusual year, a year of change for me. More than usual change and I am a creature who seeks comfort and contentment. I know that I serve a God who requires more of me than that and He has allowed changes to come this year. January started out with me feeling really good, I was running and feeling strong. Then I traveled to San Antonio to teach a course and I was still ok until early February. That is when I got sick, really sick, to the point that my world stopped as I know it for six weeks. Had some really scary side effects to meds (ventricular tachycardia is scary)...I had a big cardiac work up and realized that I am allergic to most things in this world. Returning to work and catching up was a long process. I don't know if I ever felt back to status quo and unfortunately I never got back to my routine of working out. Just when I would start, something else would happen and I chose to hug a pillow instead of pound the pavement. I also still felt like crap. I was thinking life was back to normal and then things changed again, my Michelle, my dear friend and clinic coordinator, took a job in Jacksonville. I was so proud of her and this job would be a huge new challenge for her, she couldn't say no. So most of the spring was a sad goodbye. Work is good, but just not the same now without her. Thank God Janet agreed to take us on. She has kept me going. We have great people to work with, but I still just miss my friend. Michelle and I are like sisters. Some days I barely see Laura at work. I don't laugh like I used to and laughter for me is key to survival.

I like how God gives you a change in scenery and I am not complaining, just observing here. This has still been a year of great accomplishments. Laura and I spoke at two national NICU conferences, I am seeing more out of state patients all the time in clinic, we are writing book 3 and PreChaining programs for premature infants are getting a lot more attention. We are all coming together in clinic in doing some excellent work. I feel us all developing our skills even more than before and I am still learning new things ever day. I am so grateful for my team and the entire peds/adults team at the Mill.

Then in June and July, things changed again at work. Cardiac rehab is joining us at Koke Mill. This meant that I lost my treatment room. I have no home right now. That makes it very hard to run a clinical practice. I am pretty stressed, been so busy, but I have been pushed out of my comfort zone. I have sensory processing disorder that is getting more challenging with age. I need walls people or a dark room to swing in once in a while. This is hard for me on many levels. But the good part is new people are coming in and we can make new friends. We can offer more to people who need help. I get to spend more time with our wonderful staff at the Mill and being the person I am, in the middle of all of this, I decided to take my friend Laura and create yet another new variation of a program at work. In the middle of change, I reached for more change, decided to go with the flow instead of fight the current. We will see if we need our heads examined or not.

Meanwhile on the home front, I also see things are changing with Luke. 17 years old, The Boy is growing up. My dog is an old dog now and I guess that means that I am no spring chicken either. :) This year, Randy and I heard a call from God to make another change and we left our church family at RCC to move on to serve at Hope Church. We love RCC and I tell you, this one was tough. But we continued to feel a tug and knew that for us we needed to be brave and make a change and hear what God was saying. It is hard not knowing that many people but I am already finding some clues to what God had in mind. I am starting to meet people that I know that go to church there and I am feeling God making a place for me. RCC is like our old dear friend and now we are making our way on a different path. Randy is so thankful and more than a bit intimidated to play with the wonderful musicians out at Hope. Music is everything to us. I love seeing him have this opportunity to grow. Yes his hands hurt, he has pain, but he loves this and when he stops being worried it will be great. I hear him practicing and I know that this is an answer to my prayer for him. Now Randy and I are going together to the Global Leadership Summit on August 5 and 6th. I felt God give me a bit of a kick this time to do this, so I listened. I really feel something major coming out of this. I feel we are where we are supposed to be.


Now the most recent shot to the heart, one of my dearest and most creative, green friends, my other half, my Lisha, is considering running away to Florida. Rip, tear, that is the sound of my breaking heart. I want my friend to be happy, but the number of people who love me isn't that big to start with and now one true friend may be hitting the road. (Yes Lish, this is a guilt number)

That is all I am going to say about that. Fraker and Hart, Fraker and Hart...no Fart? Now it is just going to be Fraker? Lish you are I were supposed to change the world, remember? Oh the power of the palm tree.

Yep, Change is here.

"There is a tide in the affairs of men.
Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;
Omitted, all the voyage of their life
Is bound in shallows and in miseries.
On such a full sea are we now afloat,
And we must take the current when it serves,
Or lose our ventures."


It will just take me a while to find my smile.
What am I going to do today? I am going to go run. I got off course a bit, now it is time to get going again.

Friday, June 11, 2010

This is Our God

This is Our God by Chris Tomlin

"A refuge for the poor, a shelter from the storm,
This is our God
He will wipe away your tears and return your wasted years
This is our God
Oh...this is our God
A father to the orphan, a healer to the broken,
This is our God
And he brings peace to our madness and comfort in our sadness
This is our God
Oh...this is our God
This is the one we have waited for
Oh...this is our God
A fountain for the thirsty, a lover for the lonely
This is our God
He brings glory to the humble and crowns for the faithful
This is our God

Jesus, Lord and Savior
You are The One
You
You are the One we have waited for
You
This is Our God"

I love this song. I love when a song speaks directly to my heart. I love how music draws me into His presence and creates what becomes daily worship. There are times that I feel that I am hearing the words of these songs for the very first time. There are times I feel they were written just for me. They probably were in some way.

See, His design, His plans on our lives are so complex, they are so intricate. I believe that He puts words in our hearts, words to sing, to write, read or to say that have a destination ahead to the heart of the ones in need. I hear what I need to hear, when I need to hear it, because He put those very words in the heart of another. It is another way that we are connected through God's love for us. Chris Tomlin gave me something from his heart today, something written long ago. He wrote them for his own reasons, but God in heaven knew that I would need to hear those words on June 8, 2010. I believe that.

He speaks to me in so many ways, in music, in nature and in the still, quiet of the morning, in voices raised to Him in song. When His love is inside of us, it MUST be expressed. The artist paints, the musician sings, the writer writes. The Creator speaks to His creation. His love is passed around because it is simply too big for our simple hearts to contain.

His glory is expressed in the beauty of the world around us too. Nature declares, no, it screams His glory. I have to remember that, I have to be aware of His presence in every moment. His majesty, His design of the world around me, His design on my life. He is simply, ultimately and supremely, The Architect.

So what happened this week? Well, nothing earth shattering, I was just praying and worrying at the same time. Those two things don't go together too well, do they? The absurdity of all of it struck me. I was pre-occupied with two of my phobias, flying and bad storms. I was praying and continuing to watch the radar and fret. I was getting all wound up inside and a million scenarios were going through my mind of Plan A, Plan B and Plan C to get myself to Boston that day. Then it hit me, I could see what I was doing. I could see the disrespect I was showing Him, the lack of real faith, in asking for help but not giving it over to Him.

Tears filled my eyes. I was so ashamed of myself. I did not mean to act as if I did not believe, yet my actions expressed just that. In one of the small moments of my life, I failed. This was not a major leap of faith moment like deciding to go on a mission trip, this was a small one, the ones that make up my life. So in this small moment, I failed to trust that this second mattered to Him. But aren't these little days of worry the ones that take the greatest toll on us? On our health, our peace and our happiness? Aren't these the ones we need to surrender? All my moments matter to Him. Not because of anything in special in me, but because all that is beautiful, loving in Him. Because of Who He is and how He loves us.

So I reached for His hand that day. I walked beside Him. I let go of my fear and gave control of what I saw as a huge problem that day, hail, high winds, lightning mixed in with a small airplane and I put it all down at His feet. My problem went away, the big storm system on the radar dissipated and the weather did not create a problem for me that day. In fact, my trip was stress-free and without incident. But even if the storm had raged for hours, my response would have been the same. I would know that He planned for that day to rage and blow. Sometimes He calms the wind and sometimes He just calms my heart.

This is Our God...

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Faith, Oh Lord, Let me pray...

Several people, in my life and so dear to my heart, are facing a major health crisis and as their friend, I want to help them in any way that I can. There are things I can do, I can make meals, offer gifts and give of myself to them. I can love them; I do and I will always. But there is one more thing that I can do, one part I can play in helping them restore their health...I can pray.

Now, not just the couple seconds of prayer, the few moments at church to think of their name or the "oh that is too bad" afterthought. Not in the way we toss prayer about or say to others so often in conversation, "I am praying for her."

I can PRAY.

I can IF I will stop my own life, my own business, my self-centered approach to life, I can make myself a vessel and let Him fill me up. I can prepare myself to enter in to a one on one with my Father, my Abba, my God. If I take the time to prepare to go before Him, I can pour my heart out to Him for them. The get down on my knees or face down on the floor PRAYER. That is what He deserves from me, that is what THEY deserve from me as their friend. I can search my heart to see what I need to give away inside myself, to rid myself of and then go before my Father and ask for the miracle that only He is capable of giving. I can look inside, deep inside my mind, my heart, my soul and pray to the Maker of All Things.

So let me pray...

What words do I need to find Abba? What posture of my heart do I need to reach? What in my request can convince you to intervene on their behalf? I will do it. I will stop my world and create a psalm in my heart for them. We need them in this world. I know that you never allow anything in the lives of your children that does not have purpose. I know that we serve you in how we live and how we fight and how we die. I know that you shape us with the struggles in our lives, but I also know that there is nothing, nothing, beyond Your capability to restore. I know that miracles happen. I have seen them happen. So I have set a goal to ask for one. I wear a bracelet on my wrist that says "Faith." I wear it for them. I wear it because I know that You see what I cannot, You are in control. But I am asking Abba for You to not only heal them, but to cure. To wipe it clean, like you did for me, when I asked You to come in to my heart. You are the clean slate, the do-over, the one who represents forgiveness and forgetfulness. I don't know what Your plan is and I know that miracles do not happen everyday. I have had family members and dear loved ones pass from a fight with cancer. I know how it can turn out. But still, I reach for Your hand and ask. With the Centurion's heart, with His prayer, I ask.

When Alicia was sick and we did not know what was wrong, I wrote a psalm her for. I prayed for her every day. You gave me a gift of words, of writing, of emotion and a heart for others. I want to use that. I want to find myself closer to You because of what my friends are facing. I want my eyes lifted to you every day and to find a time in the quiet of the morning or the twilight, to go somewhere and pour my heart open to You. I want to annoy You with my requests, to pray without ceasing, to call their names over and over.

I want to PRAY. Being in your presence is where I need to be. I know that when we face a life threatening illness, we then rush to You. I know what we are and how we fail, and how we come to You for the big things. I know we don't deserve it, but still I ask...

Let me pray, Abba. Let me say what you need to hear.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Idol Finale 10...So long, Simon and how the show SHOULD have been

This finale was lame. I am sorry. Musical guests from beyond the grave...Alice Cooper? Chicago-ish? Joe Cocker? (Who I love, but my gosh, is he 90?) Yes Lee is from Chicago, but that is the only association I see with that unfortunate group and Lee.

Why did we only see Lee and Crystal for what felt like a few seconds? Why did they cut off the end, the WINNER, and spend time with Pants on the Ground and all the other goof ball wannabees from the past. Please. Please. Please and no shot of Simon at the end.

Janet Jackson? Really? I mean, Janet is talented but has nothing to do with Idol. Why didn't you let Kelly sing or Fantasia or Rueben or Kris or Jordan or for heaven's sake, even Taylor could sing....they were all right there for the entire lengthy boring two+ hours. Use them!!!

Paula you looked great, but should not talk much. I liked you much better sitting on Simon's lap or holding his hand. You are both friends and that is evident. That was the sweet moment in the night. Simon's speech was great too. Paula dear, I know it would be hard to go back there knowing that Ryan was given 45 million dollars to annoy us all and they only offered you 5 million...I would be mad too. It wasn't fair. I would want to say something pointed, but long AWKWARD silences after your comments don't need to be part of the show. AND if Paula was there, why not let Andrew sing Straight Up with HER? All we heard about was Straight Up for weeks and weeks. Sing the damn song and get it over with!

Christina shows up in the last few seconds of her own song? Let her sing with the Idols and show them how it is done. That girl has a voice out of this world.

Oh, I was disappointed, it could have been done so much better. I am happy that Lee won and knew he would a long time ago. He is what Idol represents and I do think that he really got hosed last night by Simon Fuller's choice of song and by the choice of Beautiful Day. He should have repeated Treat Her Like a Lady...that was his best performance musically and it had a lot of energy. As for Beautiful Day, talk about comparison city to BONO!!! Crystal's song was not really known and sounded great. Geez, give her Mariah Carey if you are giving Lee a Bono song. However, he sang it much much better tonight than last night. His tears and his expression were very sweet. I wanted to see his Dad crying and his mom's smiling face. Leave the last 5 minutes or so for us to enjoy his victory, not a just few seconds. Crystal is going to be fine and was saved from the Idol chains around your neck. She has a big career ahead of her.

But Shame Shame Idol. Oh yeah, no, no, no to Madonna as a replacement. First of all, she is a stone cold bitch. Mentor yes, judge no. She is not what Idol fans want or relate to in any way. Harry Connick Jr would be wonderful. Or have past Idol winners be judges to help ease the loss of Simon. I don't know... I shall follow my Simon (and maybe Paula too) to X-Factor.

Monday, May 24, 2010

More Lessons Learned on the Back of the Bike

This was a nice weekend, the first summer like weekend, it was actually hot. Saturday was beautiful, Randy and I took two long bike rides. It was so warm that I was sleepy during the first one. I nodded off twice! Not cool! But it was great just being on the road, holding on to the one I love and seeing the world rush by us. I love the green of Illinois. I love the old barns, the trees, the fields of wild flowers...it is home. Where I belong. We went to church, had a great time with Alan and Cindy and little Barron. We went to Buffalo Wild Wings and could not hear anything, but the food was great. Then off for a second bike ride at night. The moon was so beautiful and it was one of those nights that it is so light you can see everything. The stars were so bright.

I felt so small under that sky. I always pray on the bike, which is probably a good thing because as I fell asleep on it. But, I gave over everything I am worried about. I offered up many prayers for people in my life that I love who are dealing with change, health problems, struggles and uncertainty. I also gave thanks for everything that I have and my blessings have been abundant. I am so thankful for every moment of every day God has blessed me with and on the bike, I can really focus in to that. Riding a bike is dangerous I know, but we love it. For me, I cannot multi-task, I am not distracted by music or conversation, I cannot do anything but hold on and experience what is right there in front of me. I am present. I am not in the driver's seat. I am not professional girl, I am just Cheri, the girl that loves Randy. How many times can I say that during a regular day?

I need to be Just Cheri more. I need to do what Luke told me to do when he was a little boy and I was so unhappy at St John's. He told me when I cross the bridge on East Lake Drive to drop it all off at the bridge and forget about it until it is time to go back to work. I need to adopt that practice again, I am in a good, good place now and I tend to overdo it because of that. So my goal is to learn this summer from those moments on the bike and to shift my priorities to where they belong. Holding on to Randy and Luke, being a God Follower, daughter, sister and friend.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Weak

Went to church last night and heard the beginning of a sermon series on becoming One. It is about the church, not the building or the Saturday-Sunday routine, but the people... a call to have hearts, minds, souls, that become one family with a heart for God. A tapestry of all, the strengths, the weaknesses becoming one, having unity of serving and living a life given to God without the mask on. Blake mentioned his Good Friday sermon "Weak" as a resource MP3 on the Hope Church website. I listened to it this morning and wow, this is a message that needs to be heard again and again. What a beautiful, honest, real testimony of how we need to be what we truly are in front of God and let Him fill in our weak places. It is about the cross, this symbol we think of as so holy and perfect and pious was actually a sign of degradation, weakness, failure and the lowest of the low. It took God to make it beautiful and strong.

Blake said that we need to let God do for us what He did for the cross. Show Him all that we think we are hiding, open the door to God and let Him in to our dark places. He sees me desperately trying to cover it all with my hands or distract Him and divert His eyes, but His eyes see through me. I need to stretch out my arms like Jesus did for me and show MYSELF what is there and own it. Know that I am nothing but filthy rags without Him. I need to ask Him to do for me what He did for the cross. He took that symbol of weakness, of shame...He made it a beautiful symbol of Hope. He can take the smallness inside of me and make it into something new. He can take the greed, the appetites, the pride, the broken, hard edges of my humanness and cover it with His essence. His spirit, His love is inside me and it can fill in the broken places inside me so He can see me as new, redeemed and restored. He loved me before I was all of those things. He loved me broken. He can use me restored by His mercy and grace and strength. He can take the weakest parts of me and use it for His purpose.

I am weak. So are you. God knows that. Our relationship is about forming a union between my brokenness and His healing strength. Taking His outstretched hand is all that is required. You can't "outsin" Him, no matter what you have done, because His love is endless and limitless. So drop the mask and give Him your weakness.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Times, They are a Changin'

Today was the last official work day for Michelle and I together at Koke Mill. Michelle has been my clinic coordinator most of the time I have been at The Mill. She has been wonderful at her job, but more than that, she has become one of my closest and dearest friends. That will not change, but it is still hard. She made my days brighter. She helped carry the burden of a long list of things to do and her gifts blended so very well with mine. We will always be friends. Forever, here and beyond. I hope when we are two old ladies we will still be laughing and talking for hours. You must hold on tight to special people in your life and we will do that. Our husbands joke about our grief about this parting, it was a change, a small one in the big scope of things, but still a change, and it is still painful to be parted from such a dear, dear friend.

I have had a lot of change in the last five or six years. Change that freed me from a horrible place and made me grow. Mark left us to go to Chicago and I took the helm as leader of our pediatric feeding team. I cried the day I had to sit in his chair. I sat there panicked thinking how would I ever fill his role, he was our MD. I felt like I was on the trapeze without a net. I was shaking in my shoes. But, it was time, he gave me the gift of his knowledge and I had done the same for him. He took my influence to his clinics in Chicago and I continued to build on what he (and Luke) taught me. Our gifts were doubled that way and we were able to reach more children than before. I have learned a great deal from my Michelle. She and I were the same way, sharing talents, gifts, insight and interpersonal skills and now she is going on to Jacksonville to do amazing things for Dr Lillpop's office.

But still, I just miss my friend.

Why do I like the familiar so much? Why do I sometimes cling to the known and resist the next chapter in my life? If I don't turn the next page, who knows what I could miss. I certainly would not have the clinic at Koke if I had been afraid of change. I have been pretty brave professionally, although it is the change that tugs the heartstrings that hurts me the most. I feel it more acutely in this season of my life. My parents are growing older and so are Randy and I. I see changes in the mirror and feel time creeping up on me. Luke is going to be 17 and our boy will go to college before we know it. Life will shift and change will come again.

At times, I fear the future, growing old, loss and grief that comes to us all over the years, thinking of how I will die. But then I remember that my days are appointed to me and God is in control when I don't know the road ahead. I just have to hold His hand and trust my Abba to do lead me where I should go. I am excited for Michelle and I hope that this new job will give her so many wonderful opportunities and happy days. I will drown my sorrows with diet Polar Pops, carrot sticks and celery and swear off Orange Grease (Taco Gringo), Buffet City and Hickory River because without Michelle, those things will not be fun anymore. I will learn to knit or do something creative to fill my unhappy lunch hour until my heart doesn't hurt quite so much.

That might take a long, long time...

Saturday, March 27, 2010

American Idol '10

Ah, I am sure blog readers, that you wish to know what I think and how I call American Idol turning out this year. I must say that I don't know if I will continue to watch after my dear Simon is gone. Ryan just signed a 45 million dollar contract with Idol for the next three years. They wanted to give Paula chump change so she walked. I miss her but Kara is doing a good job actually critiquing the contestants and I like Ellen, she is loosening up. Randy gets money for basically saying the same things "pitchy"... "dawg"... "I don't think that was your best performance, but you know I have mad love for you".."it is hot tonight".geez, what a great job. I have come up with what I think is a brilliant solution for the transition. I think the past Idol winners ought to serve as guest judges to fill in for Simon for a season before selecting a permanent replacement. That way we get to see our past winners, they get some great exposure and they have a very unique perspective as being past contestants and judges.

As for the contestants, Didi and Andrew said too much during the elimination last week. They won't stick around to the end. Andrew, sing freaking Straight Up again and put an end to it. Didi bugs me. Like Lacey, her voice is ok for ONE song, but not a full CD. Like listening to cats getting their tails caught under a rocking chair. Make it stop!! Of course Crystal is really good. I don't know how she will connect with the typical Idol audience. I like her, but I don't know if she has it all wrapped up or not. Siobhan needs to stop shrieking at the end of her songs or I shall dub her "Screech" like that "Saved By the Bell" kid. She is not going to be there at the very end but she is very talented and a bit looney. I still have faith in my Katie girl. Katie Stevens has some big moments coming. She has a lot of talent. She needs to blow them away. She is getting back on track after the judges giving her nothing but contradiction the past weeks. She is my dark horse this year, like my Kris Allen of last year. I called it people, I called it!! Aaron...awwww...I love this guy. Everyone smiles when they see him. That will result in big votes for him. He has a great voice. He has moments coming too. Big Mike is getting at risk of being the Cheesecake Factory...he needs to sing more and mug less, but I do like him. Lee-I like him a lot, but the boy needs some expression on his face and loosen up. He has a great voice, he has to grow on the audience so they vote for him. Casey, cute and he has a great voice. He really has some moments coming if he plays his card right and picks songs that challenge him to develop "as an artist." I hear Kara in my ears! Auggh!! Someone please make Tim Urban go home, R and B may take him out.

One can always hope.

Heigh-Ho Heigh-Ho, Off to Cardiology I Go!

Well the plot thickens. I guess I had the "severe reactions" to meds Albuterol and Xopenex and maybe even the steroids. My friend Jenn said, "Only you could be allergic to treatment!" I think she was right. I felt far worse from the reactions than I did during the pneumonia. I was so weak and so miserable. I posted the side effects of these meds on my Food Chaining blog (see link below in blog list). These are important meds for those who need them, but like all medications, can have some really bad side effects. I had ventricular tachycardia, only one time while I was sleeping. But that is not a good thing to have, it can be, as my stupid MD's nurse said so bluntly "suddenly fatal." Then I had several days to worry about my fluttering, rapid heart until I went to see Dr Mayer at Prairie Heart. The cardiologist was much morereassuring and said that I had zero risk factors for heart disease. He said that v-tach usually kills people with a weak heart or who had previous heart attacks or bad lungs. He thinks it was the medicine and is doing a stress test to make sure my heart works ok with exertion. I am hoping he gets me out of the asthma test the pulmonologist is pushing for (I am supposed to take albuterol during this test, I am being non-compliant and saying no. Regardless, my answer is no.) Dr Mayer also said some people with healthy hearts just have v-tach and we really don't know why. He also said that my heart rate was rapid and some people are just wound that way.

I took caffeine out of my diet and my heart was 65-70 at rest yesterday. It has been as high as 138 in the past months since I was sick. Randy thinks I react so much to meds it is likely that I react to caffeine strongly too. All my tests, electrolytes, my ECHO, chest CT..all was normal. My blood pressure is really good and my exam was fine in the office. I have to go through a stress test on April Fool's Day. That should be fun post-pneumonia! Run Chen Run!!

Friday, March 12, 2010

The Ides of March

IT is coming.

IT took a year off trying to stomp out the life force that is yours truly in 2009 and went after Laura instead. But IT made up for lost time this year and got caught up by attacking and trying to kill me off the entire month of February and almost half of March.

Seriously, I DO want to know what it is about those two months that kicks me to the curb, but I digress...

What is IT? IT is a day. The anniversary of my birth. The B-word. That which cannot be named. Evil day for evil deeds. Now, I am not evil thanks to my wonderful counselor and almighty God... therefore maybe that is why IT is always after me.

The Birthday Curse.

Many a bad thing has happened on 3/15...my parents separated on my birthday (thankfully reunited), Luke's broken leg, Dad had two emergency surgeries...just scratching the surface here, believe me, the list goes on and on, severe weather, calamity, mayhem and trauma as far as the eye can see...and I always escape death by recovering from some prolonged Ebola like virus that rears it's ugly head in February or March.

This year it was pneumonia and then allergic reaction to medication.

Are we done yet Birthday Curse? Or are we going to go another round? Will you take off until 2011? One needs to maintain a sense of humor about all this but also be a good former girl scout and be prepared. Laura has made plans to throw Holy Water on me anytime someone says "Happy Birthday!"

Actually, the scary one will be 2013...I will be 50.
One word-Armageddon.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Pulmonology Visit

Well, didn't get a lot of answers at my visit today but I did get a lot of "it is not this." We ruled out big, bad things. I will have an asthma assessment. Dr told me to only use Xoponex as needed, not every four hours. I thought about what he said and that helped ME put the pieces together and come up with my own explanation of what is going on. I do this every day and the pieces of this puzzle started to fall into place for me.
In a nutshell, I think my upper airway and esophagus is inflamed and swollen from the steroids and Xoponex. I think I have mild angioedema. My vocal cords are swollen and I am hoarse. I think my back and chest pain is because my esophagus if on fire from the these drugs and I am having some degree of referred pain. The nausea and other problems are also likely drug related. I told the doctor my breathing is worse now than it was when I had pneumonia.
So to turn this around, only using Xoponex if I am having breathing problems in the lower chest, I am starting Zyrtec or Benedryl to see if the upper airway quiets down and Prevacid to treat my angry GI tract.
We will see if I am right.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Dare I say it? Better?

Hi. On Saturday I went home to Mom and Dad's and visited Hazel. The sun was shining and I needed to get out of the house. It felt good to feel normal and DO something. So inhaler and steroids clutched in hand, off I went on a road trip. Now I had that awful sudden loss of energy yesterday, multiple times in a row in the morning before I left, but I decided to push through it and move and it seemed to ease up. The pharmacist told me it was likely related to side effects of the meds and just to expect to feel this way. So I went home for a short visit. Since I have been sick, I have really wanted to be with my parents. I always want to go home and I go home a lot. I love sitting on the porch in the spring and summer with my mom watching the sunrise with a cup of coffee in hand, watching the hummingbirds come up to us or the deer in the field, taking walks, going shopping or going to lunch or going to dinner with them. We sit and talk and read and laugh together. We listen to music or cook. We talk about Grandma and Grandpa, Aunt Thelma, Aunt Delma and Uncle Dean. We look at pictures of Matthew and Megan, Ryan, Christopher, Rachel and Luke, Lori, Mark and Amy's kids, Mike and Barb's kids, Kevin's wedding and we are thankful for what we have.

Nothing big, except inside my heart.

What I feel about these times with my family is very, very big. I am so blessed to be "Ruthie and Jerry's girl". I treasure these moments, being with and talking about my family and loving them all.

Then mom and I went to Sullivan and spent some time with Hazel. I love my mother in law. My squirrel chasing and catching, straight talking, good hearted, fiery mother in law. I love it when Mom comes with me to visit her. We had a good day together and then I was off to come home to see my Randy play the drums with Amy Petty at church.

Wow, the music was just amazing. Amy was great, the team was great and Randy was where I love to see him, sitting behind his drums. After church, my dear friend Sam came up and hugged me and he took my hands and said one powerhouse prayer for my healing. Sam helped me with grace in past times and he has prayed for Chrissy and I just seek him out in bad times. Lots of people came up and told me they were praying for my healing. That was so good for my soul, my spirits and I tell you, I am up again at 2 am tonight, but I do feel better. Like I took a step forward out of the rut of illness I was in. Still weak, still having some of the same cough and icky feelings, but not as bad. I feel stronger.

Thanks for the prayers Sam, thanks Facebook and email and blog friends, thank you Abba.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Why DO you always feel sicker at night?

Why do you always feel worse at night? I googled that and the best answer I found was from Dr Green. Here’s his explanation: While sick, many people are wondering why they tend to feel worse at night than during the day. One of the reasons is that our body pressure changes when we lay down. This tends to heighten most flu and cold symptoms like, congestion, ear pain, runny nose, sore throat, and coughing. Another reason we feel better during the day is because our hormone levels differ from day to night. Hormones help us to wake up in the morning, sleep at night, and they affect how we feel pain. One particular type of hormone is cortisol, which is more active during the day. Cortisol blocks some of the flu related pain during the day and helps control our fever. However, at night our cortisol levels decrease, which means more pain and a resumption of the fever. Also, during the day our senses are on overload. There are numerous sights, sounds, and distractions that our brain is busy processing so that it doesn’t concentrate on the pain we are feeling. At night there isn’t nearly that much stimuli to distract are brains. This means our brains can spend more time focusing on the pain our bodies feel which will amplify symptoms at night. However, don’t let this fool you, just because you feel better during the day it doesn’t mean you are.

Jeremiah 30:17 "But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds," declares the Lord

As many of you know, I am trying to recover from pneumonia, which has now become pericarditis and a pulmonary problem. Lots of uncertainty, lots of ups and downs and scary nights (like this one) when I can't breathe and I feel like I am never going to get well. I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall. Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday cannot come soon enough. I will see the specialist and find out what my prognosis is from his perspective. But all of this is simply a guess. Only God knows.

I don't know what to expect each day and I dread the nights. This has been the first time something has lingered like this with no end in site. I am better but now have this new problem that results in chest pain, weakness, shaking and sudden bronchospasms. I never know when it is going to strike again. I am no longer captain of my ship. I am in the storm. I have worried and struggled, I have had to set all my plans aside. The world as I know it has stopped. It is not on my time table anymore.

There is much that I don't know day to day now, but I know the One who does know. For me that is going to have to be enough.

I am going to have to lay down the guilt about not being at work, the anxiety about disappointing everyone, the fear in the middle of the night, the worry that something else is wrong...I am going through a test and I don't hear My Lord, My Abba's voice when I call Him. But as Rick Warren says, "The Teacher does not talk to you during a test." I am waiting. I don't hear Him but I know with certainty that He is sitting right beside me in the middle of the night. His arms are around me when my chest hurts or my heart races or when tears of frustration fall. He allowed me to be put on the shelf.

He is God. I am Cheri. He loves me, I love Him, but I am not in control of this. I feel like I am tossed in the wind up and down day to day. But I am not, He directs my paths and knows what comes in each of the moments of my life. I have to tell myself "My Lord knows all about this." I have to reach for Him during the test. I need to put myself at His feet and wait for His time. I will go to Him by reading my bible and praying or just listening to music. I want to be with Him. I will ask Him to heal me but my love for him and devotion to Him is not tied to healing me. I am His to crush or restore. I am His while I draw breathe and after I stop. I am His and assured of life with Him that does not end.

So I throw in the towel, I will stop planning my return to this schedule and that agenda for next week and I will ask Abba to forgive me for doing my own thing so often and not being tuned in enough to what He wants from me.

My body has stopped so my ears can hear.
It is time to listen.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

I have pneumonia

Wow, I have been so sick this month. It all started February 5th and now it is February 28th and I am starting my fourth week battling this illness. I am taking my 3rd round of antibiotics. It is very frustrating when I can't breathe well. The cough will likely hang around a few more weeks according to Dr Harney. I have to go see a pulmonologist soon.
Last week I just decided I wanted to go home. Not my home here, my first home, my parents home. So I packed a bag and went to see my Mom and Dad for several days. I needed some TLC and some rest. When I was at my house, I kept trying to do stuff. At Mom's, I really rested, slept for the first time and mom was so good to me. She made all my favorite foods. It was great being there. I love spending time with my parents. I am so blessed to have them.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Acupuncture and Herbal Medicine...I am better in two treatments

Hi All
If you have read any of this, you know that I have really had a set back with the old bod lately. Big time nerve issues on the right arm (you know, that one I USE for everything) and it really sent me spiraling. Dizziness started re-emerging too as my neck started to get bad again. I went running back to Dr Na for help. The one thing that always works for me, acupuncture.
Well, this time was very, very interesting. Last time I saw her years ago, it was more for emotional healing and pain management. This time she was worried about me. In addition to having tennis elbow, dizziness, cervical pain, headaches from this flare up, I had developed also problems with gluten intolerance since I had seen her a few years ago. She said everything was related to the GI tract as well as the nerve issues and she said that I needed the full meal deal, so to speak. She told me that with treatment (needles in my abdomen and herbal meds) she could get me eating bread again. She would work to heal my GI tract with a mix of acupuncture, eating tiny amounts of bread and daily use of herbal supplements. She makes my herbals herself. Well, I started drinking it twice a day an hour before meals and wanted to give you an update.
After TWO sessions with the amazing Zhai Na, I am pain free, playing Wii sports, no dizziness, running and eating bread, pasta, everything daily now with zero reaction. No red eyes, no bumpy skin, no itching, no congestion, no weird fuzzy headed fatigue, no joint pain, no GI bleeds. Two treatments.
Wow. Chinese medicine blows my mind.
Thank you Dr Na

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Christmas 09

I hope you all had a nice Christmas. We spent most of the day at home, Luke and Randy played video games and I watched the Disney Christmas Day Parade and later watched Field of Dreams. Gotta love that movie! Then we went over to Alicia's to eat dinner and open presents.
I write about Christmas so next Christmas I can read back and see who got what for whom and it helps me think of things for that year. Here is the rundown...Chrissy sent our gifts to us. She didn't need to do that! She and Jeff bought me a French Press for my coffee. Oh boy! I am excited. I also have my shiny red tea pot from Alicia + my coaster that warms up and keeps my coffee hot. My little sweetnesses M and M got old Aunt Cheri some really nice coffee too. I am all set for hot beverages at my house. No more running out of coffee filters and making my own out of assorted paper in my house. Mom and Dad did way too much for me, coat, ice cleats that slip over my shoes so I won't fall and as I have no arms that work (left elbow was broken in the past, now right arm doesn't work either-so falling down for me is a bad, bad thing), picture frame, sweaters and scarves, boots and money for my trip. Alicia got me some really cool socks (she is the queen of socks) too. Alicia's house looked beautiful. That girl can decorate trees like no one I have ever seen. Beautiful. She needs to be hired by Disney to decorate the park. Luke received a movie, CD, jeans, iTunes cards and a neon clock for his room that says, "The Man Cave" on it. Randy received gift cards, pajama pants and money. We are so blessed. Now on to the rest of our vacation. Merry Christmas Everyone.

Friday, December 25, 2009

This is Why We Need Our Savior. The words to "Jesus Will Meet You There" by Steven Curtis Chapman

When you think you've hit the bottom
and the bottom gives way
and you fall into a darkness
no words can explain
and you don't know how you make it out alive
Jesus will meet you there.

When the doctor says, "I'm sorry,
we don't know what else to do."
and you're looking at your family
wondering how they'll make it through...
Whatever road this life takes you down,
Jesus will meet you there.

He knows the way to wherever you are
He knows the way to the depths of your heart
He knows the way cuz he's already been
where you're going
Jesus will meet you there.

When the jury says, "Guilty,"
and the prison doors close
When the one you love says nothing,
just packs up and goes
When the sunlight comes and your world's still dark,
Jesus will meet you there.

When you've failed again and all your
second chances have been used
And the heavy weight of guilt and shame
is crushing down on you...
And all you have is one last cry for help
Jesus will meet you there.

He knows the way to wherever you are
He knows the way to the depths of your heart
He knows the way cuz he's already been
where you're going

When you realize the dreams you've had
for your child won't come true
when the phone rings in the middle
of the night with tragic news...
Whatever valley you must walk through,
Jesus will meet you there.

He will meet you there.

Jesus will meet you there...

Merry Christmas Everyone...it is here!

I love Christmas. I have felt so bad lately that until this morning I have not had my Christmas joy, that feeling of connection with my Savior, that sweet communion with my Abba. Abba, what we observe this day, this beautiful day, is a day of hope, of blessed assurance. In this day, my gift, the only gift that matters is the knowledge that I am forgiven and free. I am yours and you will never leave me. There is no death ahead for me or anyone who calls your name. Because of you I am not afraid. Because of you there is hope. You took me in to your heart and you took my place to allow us to be together, always.

Thank you my Abba, thank you.

Last night, we had Christmas Eve at our house with Mom, Dad and Hazel. It was very nice. Big turkey dinner and lots of food, but the best part was seeing them all around the table. Unfortunately, with this rain and fear of water in their basements, they did not spend the night, they went back home. Mom and Dad will come back later today and we will all end up at Alicia's tonight. But for now, I sit by the tree with my old dog. I have a hot mug of coffee beside me and beautiful music playing. I have found my Christmas joy as well as my Qi.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

2nd visit for Acupuncture-The Quest for Qi

Hi. I must admit that I went in a bit scared of what Dr Na was going to have to do to me. Now, I was very happy that she has literally taken my pain and distress down from an 8 to a 2 or 3. But I did too much this week and my arm was starting to hurt again yesterday but only in one place, not three. Anyway, she was glad I was feeling better but she checked me out and she is still pretty worried about me. She said my pulse is still very weak and my GI tract is a big source of concern. She said she would need to do a very strong whole body treatment (translation: needle in the philtrum). She said I felt bad after treatment (usually you feel amazing afterwards) last time because of the type of inflammation I have all through my body and because I couldn't relax during treatment. So today she got me all warm and cozy again and then about 20 minutes later came in to place the needles. She placed the first one in my arm and I was expecting the big rush of pain. It didn't happen. She continued to place them just like last time. The one in my leg (that was almost as bad as the one in my philtrum last time) had me worried and I was dreading it. She placed it and no pain. She got me all wired up and started the electric stimulation but this time on very, very lowest settings. That left the big one, getting ready for the dreaded philtrum. She told me right before she placed it that it is like being a heart patient, they must shock you back to life, it is worth it but hard. Now that did not make me relax, but she placed it and it did hurt, but not bad. Really, I almost screamed last time and this time, very little pain. I actually fell asleep with treatment. She put music on and put the lights out and turned on the big warming bulbs over me. She treated me for a long time. I was there from 5pm to 6:30. She decided to treat me once a month now and continue to work on getting me healthy and help me find balance in my life. I can't wait to see how I feel in about 12 hours. Last time I was about 80% better 12 hours later.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Return to Acupuncture

Hi. I have had a progressively worsening problem with my right arm over the past few weeks. I have an ongoing battle with this body of mine, this lemon I was given that has a tendency to fall apart easily. What happened, you ask? Now it very likely started with my amazing feat of gymnastic coordination and cat like reflexes when I saved myself from a nasty fall from a tree house this summer. I was working with one of my favorite kids in the world at his house. Unfortunately, I had a momentary lapse of good motor planning and banged my head, saw stars and slipped. My recovery however was amazing. I not only rescued myself, I assisted the child and saved two plates of food. But I did this by dangling from said tree house with one arm (think King Kong here). My elbow was not helped by writing books, blogs, reports and spending hours on Facebook. Nor by lifting too heavy of a weight with bad technique in my attempt to become strong or traveling the globe and not checking luggage.

It all hit a peak a few weeks ago when my arm literally stopped working without great pain. As a very sensory person, pain takes a big toll on me. It takes a bigger mental toll. As I do not tolerate pain meds without severe side effects on my GI tract, it often means I can't take anything. That and the long list of 'to do's" on my list have made me feel like I am coming out of my own skin. I went to OT and my radial, ulnar and median nerves are a mess. I was declared a Neuro Chernobyl.

So Randy suggested a return to acupuncture to help me cope. My OT sessions have resulted in a great increase in pain but I am at least moving it better. I am going to combine the two treatments again. Yesterday I returned to acupuncture with the wonderful doctor Zhai Na. Now, Dr Na zoomed right in on my GI tract. Since I have been in pain, I have comforted myself with gluten on and off. My comfort, however, is short lived and it all just creates big problems. I love how Chinese medicine focuses on the body as a whole. Not just one organ out of whack or one localized pain in your elbow. It is all very holistic and focused on balance.

So, how does acupuncture work?

The classical Chinese explanation is that channels of energy run in regular patterns through the body and over its surface. These energy channels, called meridians, are like rivers flowing through the body to irrigate and nourish the tissues. An obstruction in the movement of these energy rivers is like a dam that backs up in others. Dr Na describes this to me as she doesn't take pain away she gets it flowing throughout your body so it is a less painful area. So I will give you a little bit of info about what acupuncture does. My meridian is an issue not only with my tennis elbow, carpal tunnel and nerve pain but also my GI tract.

The meridians are influenced by needling the acupuncture points; the idea being that the acupuncture needles unblock the obstructions at the dams, and reestablish the regular flow through the meridians. The belief is that the acupuncture treatments can therefore help the body's internal organs to correct imbalances in their digestion, absorption, and energy production activities, and in the circulation of their energy through the meridians. The modern scientific explanation is that needling the acupuncture points stimulates the nervous system to release chemicals in the muscles, spinal cord, and brain. These chemicals will either change the experience of pain, or they will trigger the release of other chemicals and hormones which influence the body's own internal regulating system. The improved energy and biochemical balance produced by acupuncture results in stimulating the body's natural healing abilities, and promoting physical and emotional well-being.

Now, I feel out of whack. I could not relax at all yesterday. My mind is on overload all the time with this pain and I feel like an empty vessel. I am enduring my days. So Dr Na also focused on all of that. She put me under warm blankets, played soft music, turned the lights down low and told me to focus on finding a calm place. She gave me about a half hour of that before treatment. Usually I can go right into relaxation mode. My biofeedback therapy from the past has made that pretty automatic. Yesterday I could find no position to rest that arm without pain and no I didn't find my happy place either.

When she placed the needles, my elbow and arm were extremely sensitive. However, after she got the needle in, it was better and I could keep my arm still. Well lets just say I HAD to keep still because moving was not an option. Owie!! The ones in my right leg/foot, stomach and above my lip were very, very painful for a few seconds and the ones in my ear and neck, well, I was not even aware of them being there. But I was grouchy when I was done yesterday, I didn't find my happy place. I didn't feel well and floating on air like I usually do after treatments. Dr Na does not understand my goal to feel well enough to go on vacation. She wants me to focus on being well all the time. She doesn't like the idea of trying to live an unbalanced life and use treatment to just keep a grip on things. She wants to me find balance. Dr Na told me that my body is hungry for treatment and my life is hungry for balance. She focused in on what I eat, how I rest, mind and body and told me that soon I would be better again, but there was much to do.

This morning around 3:45 I woke up and discovered that I had actually slept all night, my pain was down at least 80% and I kind of felt like myself again. I haven't slept in weeks. I was shocked to wake up feeling good. So on Wednesday night when everyone else is going home for the holidays, I will be on the table at Dr Na's trying to find my Qi.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Stars

The other morning I was watching a slide show of pictures from the Hubble telescope. They were so beautiful. I was so struck that the God who formed the heavens, distant galaxies and glorious stars can care about someone as small as me. It gave me a tiny glimpse of how glorious, how majestic God is and it made me cry, in a good way. So, check out my little slide show or look on line to see the pictures or better yet, go stand under the stars and just look up.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Frying Pan Saga continues...Lessons in Grace

If you are one of the few who read my blog, you will remember that I have been struggling with anger to the point of hatred and I have been withholding grace to those who hurt people that I love. I have lived a long time and I see a lot in my work with children and their families. I have seen amazing, wonderful loving families face the most unbelievable challenges that life can throw at a person, but sometimes I see a lot of ugliness. I see neglected abused children and I see neglected, abused spouses, both male and female. You don't have to look far to see these things either, sometimes it is right in your own backyard.

It makes me mad. Really mad, I mean flame thrower, machine gun, machete, Earl Has to Die, wood chipper mad. Get the idea? Redheaded fury, Hurricane Cheri...judge, jury and executioner. NOT what God wants of me. I am not God, no exception, no loophole. I don't get to choose who gets God's grace and this seething cauldron of loathing inside me is sin that He had to cover with his blood too.

That brings me to last night. I was at church. I have been all over with these emotions. See, I wrote the bulletin insert for church this week too. All about Grace, living with Grace. David is right, if we understood Grace we would understand God. There is not enough taught about it, not enough said about it, not enough living it. God is working something in me, He has this on my heart and He is not giving up this time. I am the one who has to change. I was really close to going forward to pray with David about it at church during the invitation, but I thought I would probably dissolve in tears and how does one quickly sum up that I want to commit a felony?

So, enter Sam. Sam goes to our church. He is a great man. Sam and I have prayed for each other back and forth over the years at RCC. Sam lives for Jesus. He is wise and funny and has a huge heart and spends his life in service for Jesus. Sam came over and hugged me and asked me how I was doing and well, I just spilled it all. He listened, shared his burdens with me too and he told me that when these feelings come up, I need to say to myself that all of it (my sin of anger and hate, the bad guy's stuff, all of it) is "covered in the blood." He told me to say, when the anger rises, "all of that is covered by the blood." We said it a few times and then Sam prayed for me as well as the ones I am concerned about. But Sam prayed for me FIRST and that did not go unnoticed by yours truly. Sam gets it. He knows that my heart needs some remodeling. I am a big girl now and God needs me to defuse my great fire. If He is going to be able to use me, He needs me to stop being Hurricane Cheri. He took me out of an awful job that made me angry 99.9% of the time. I am actually Tropical Depression Cheri most of the time, except for this issue. He wants me to be still, deep water and it is going to take some doing to get me there. I want to get there. So say some prayers for me, I am going to need them. You CAN teach an old dog new tricks, if you are God.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Tears

It is Thanksgiving. I love this day. I anticipate driving to my mom's house and walking in to the smells of the holiday. I love the purity of this day, no gifts, no merchandise, just food, football and family. I like being too full and not worrying about the calories...it is a day of celebration and a day to reflect on blessings. It is supposed to be one of the best days of the year.

This morning, however, I woke up thinking about a friend of mine and the horrible loss of a family member that she and her family suffered just this week. And I cried. She was anticipating a much different day than what she will experience today. She wrote last night that she wished she could just shut her mind down. That is the thing about this kind of pain, there is no off switch. It just is. You just have to take it in and carry it with you. There is that moment when you wake up, that one instant between sleep and waking before realization hits and there it all is again. You get up, will yourself to move, tell yourself to breathe and pick it up again. The only way around is through.

I remember when Randy's dad died so suddenly, so unexpectedly, it seemed like forever before we arrived in Sullivan. There is no way to describe what Randy, Ronnie and Hazel experienced that day. I was so concerned about them and especially Luke. But little Luke was being caregiver to the rest of the family. He was so amazing over the course of the next difficult days, days that didn't seem real. There was a hole in the world, a hole in our hearts, a feeling of falling...just seeing his clothes or coffee cup where he left it that morning. It was hard to breathe at times. Then, there was a knock on the door and two wonderful ladies and their husbands showed up. Hazel and Bob's dearest friends. I tell you, these women knew what to do, I just watched them. They set up a big coffee pot and they set to work, making food, hugging us, but not talking. The days up to the funeral, they were always there, active but silent. More women like this came and did the same things in shifts. You would sit down and a plate was in front of you. When you were finished, it disappeared. They sat with you, held your hand or touched your shoulder. The dishes were washed and put away. They didn't try to offer platitudes or advice. They walked through with Hazel, they talked when she talked to them, they cried when she cried. When I think of that day, I will always remember the feelings of comfort just from their presence.

Then it was all over. After the visitation, the flowers and hugs, the funeral, everyone eventually went home. But Grief remained like Love remains. We were also visited by anger, depression and a whole host of emotions. Time eases it, but today grief comes back for us when we have another Thanksgiving or Christmas without Bob. That hurts.

I think of grief as an ocean. The oceans are always present and always changing. You don't "get over" grief,you learn to live with it. Your emotions will ebb and flow just like that living body of water. There are the days you are out in the middle with no sign of land. There are the days that you ride the tempest out, when the waves crash and toss you to and fro, days that are cold and gray, but there are also days of stillness with beautiful sunrises and sunsets. You learn to take the day that comes to you. You learn to keep moving, but not fight what is before you.

So to my friend and her family, I send you my love today. Your loss matters. I hurt because you hurt. I will think of you today. I will hold those that I love tighter and I will cherish the memories made today more than I would have and I will pray for you all today and in the days to come. I will take time to give thanks for all that I have been blessed with and for my family and friends.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

End of a Great Season...And A Hard Lesson Learned

"Life is not fair"...you hear that a lot. As a perpetual optimist, I often disagree with that statement and overall I feel that life is fair. I feel for most of us, life can contain a series of highs and lows, good days and bad ones, but I generally believe that most of the time it is fair.

And then came the events of yesterday...

I had a lot of expectations as I watched two chartered buses pull out of Rochester High School's parking lot. Those buses were full yesterday. Full of dreams and football players that had worked so hard to go to the semi-final playoff game. It was a great match between the Rochester Rockets and Metamora Redbirds, two great teams. Even the weather cooperated yesterday, it was simply beautiful, amazing for late November.

So what happened?

It started out great. So much excitement. The Metamora fans were great sports and all the staff working the game was great. I have no issue with Metamora, the team, their players or fans. It was the official who took what was supposed to be a fairly called sporting event and he turned it into something else. Besides spotting the ball in the wrong location on the field (and to Metamora's advantage), we were also called for defensive holding and as a result that kept Metamora's last touchdown drive in the first half going. On third and 10 at our 14 yd line, a Metamora pass was knocked away by our team near the goal line. But we were called for defensive holding near the line of scrimmage, and as a result it was third and short at the 7. If this had not happened, Metamora would have had to go for a field goal, and we would have been given a chance to score again when the ball came back to us. Now bad calls happen, but then there was a pass ruled complete at midfield on a third-down play in the second quarter. The official was wrong. The pass was low, and it hit the ground before the Metamora player had it in his hands. As a result of this call, Metamora went on to score a one yard run before halftime. It also did not help to see Matt Bane beaten up for most of the game with no calls on the player covering him. But Matt was called when he finally pushed the kid who was hitting him in the stomach away.

Our kids looked like they had been punched in the gut at half time. So did the fans. But they came back in the second half, they fought like warriors and they ended up playing with so much heart that they tied the game. We lost it on the last play of the game, but we put it all on the line and gave it our all. The kids standing on the sidelines were holding hands, the entire town was behind our Rockets, they did not give up and I tell you, I have never been prouder of the boys.

But it was not fair, it was not clean and I would love to tell the official what I think of the bad job he did yesterday. Mr. Official, you let the kids down and the fans down, we deserved better. You let Metamora down. Let the winning team win or lose on their own merit. You sir, did not do your job. It was so frustrating. One bad call, maybe...but this series of calls...no.

Did we make mistakes too? Yes. That is not what this is about. When you try hard and make mistakes, that is part of the game. Officiating should not have been a factor in this game, especially at this level of play. It is a bitter pill to swallow for this 46 year old mother who doesn't know that much about the game. It is devastating for these kids and their families. To play hard and not reach your goal is one thing, to have it taken from you, is another.

So yesterday, life was not fair.
Yesterdays game will be a memory these kids and Coach carry forever. I hope when they think of it, they also remember that they had a great, great season and we couldn't be prouder of them.

But it still hurts.

My Niece and Nephew

My Niece and Nephew
Meggie and Matthew...Aren't they adorable?

Amy's Wedding

Amy's Wedding

The Birds!!!!

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